still in michigan....but managed to hack into someones wireless network!!!
ive found myself very on edge as of late. i have a horrible habit of letting the things that trouble me so deeply on the inside manifest themselves in my interactions with other people. i feel like one of the predators im reading about in my book: savagely, indiscriminantly attacking harmless people around me. tears are always so close to the surface. i should be calm, rested, peaceful and content in my own mind. im sitting here right now struggling against so many urges....drink myself into a stuper....more than anything to smoke a cigarette (but quitting is quitting). i cant figure out whats making me so uneasy. im here on our private beach listening to the wake-indiced waves lap against the shore. the sun is setting, casting a pinky-purple-grey background for the clouds that hang so effortlessly in the sky. the trees though evergreen in the day light are nothing more than silhouettes of their mountainous base. i can hear the faint, lonley cry of a loon in the distance. its beautiful echo haunts me like i should be making the same desperate plea. the wind blowing off the lake is cool and it cuts right through me...reminding me of just how cruel beaty can be. it is amazing how the control you feel youve kept over yourself and your emotions slips away undected...leaving you a mere shell of the person you strived so hard to be. to compound things even more severly i cant come to a reasonable explanation for my preterbation. its just there; hostile and cruel...jumping and biting. despite my gorgeous surroundsings i long to get home. i wan to be in familiar territory with understanding friends. i want to find a way to forget. i want this semester off to be a good one...i want to do the things that are good for my body and soul, not just for the time being