(no subject)
This is probably pointless and out of boredom and out of being alone that I write this...
It's so funny to me that I have a million things in my head, but when I get to writting them down, I blank. It's probably for a saftey reason. I mean if I were to sit here and write out everything, I would probably be embrassed. But currently all I can think about is Kate. I know, that its stupid and sad. It's been over for almost a month now, but I just can't shake her. I can't understand how I fell so deeply in love with her and then out of no where she is gone. It scares me to have a love like that taken from me. That love is so fickle and can just dissapear like that. I mean I sit her in my sadness and listen and think about the things we did. I walk by central campus and I remeber our walk where we played in the leaves on a crisp autumn night. Or watching Elziabeth town in the theaters with just us and she sat on the wrong side and I wanted to hold her hand, but it's weird for me to hold hands with my left, and how nervous I was to ask her to go to eat with me that evening. Listening on her to tiny dancer and just living in that momment. How can we forget these momments? How could it all mean nothing and just walk away from it? Prehaps, I just put to much into love. I put to much into relationships. I seek to much, to fast. It's just so hard for me right now to deal with these feelings, because for me, it's not over. For me, I want nothing more then to have a "notebook" momment and run over there and tell her it's not over for me, I still want to be there for her, to help her, to listen, to just be. But I know that right now, she wants nothing of that. She wants to deal with her own things and to me, that means I'll never get to be with her again and its crushing me right now. I know this is all so lame, this stupid struggle inside my heart, but I just can't get over her. Maybe this is pay back for my last couple relationships where I put the girl through this. That she wanted to be with me and I just shut her out. Maybe. Either way, Right now, my heart is surely open wide for this girl and she just keeps walking by. I know that she needs time and space and to be away from me and this probably makes me sound like some kind of creepish/stalker but its just how i feel. I'm a romantic thats in love with someone who isn't in love with me. And it's killing me. I guess in time this feeling will pass. I have tried so hard to not talk to her, but it always seems like I end up shooting her an IM or tyring to call her, just to hear her voice. I just wish, that i could either get another chance, or just shut these feelings off, butI know I won't get any of that. I'll just sit here and think about buying her flowers and writing her notes to put on car windows, all of which will never happen, because I need to respect her wishes. I need to give her space and time. Maybe this should set off a red flag for me, because what if we do get back together and she needs space and time again, will we just break up again. These are thoughts I don't want to deal with. I guess I'll just sit here and pray that God restores my faith in Him and to take these feelings of angst, confusion, love-sickness, anger, bitterness and sadness away from me. I'm getting tired of carrying the weight of my own heart.
I hate how stupid emo this sounds. but in all reality, there isn't a line between being emo and a romantic. And for some reason, I am a romantic, who wants to seek that true beauty in love. Damn.
I would also LJ cut this bad boy so it didn't take up space on your friends list, but i forgot how. so blah.
It's so funny to me that I have a million things in my head, but when I get to writting them down, I blank. It's probably for a saftey reason. I mean if I were to sit here and write out everything, I would probably be embrassed. But currently all I can think about is Kate. I know, that its stupid and sad. It's been over for almost a month now, but I just can't shake her. I can't understand how I fell so deeply in love with her and then out of no where she is gone. It scares me to have a love like that taken from me. That love is so fickle and can just dissapear like that. I mean I sit her in my sadness and listen and think about the things we did. I walk by central campus and I remeber our walk where we played in the leaves on a crisp autumn night. Or watching Elziabeth town in the theaters with just us and she sat on the wrong side and I wanted to hold her hand, but it's weird for me to hold hands with my left, and how nervous I was to ask her to go to eat with me that evening. Listening on her to tiny dancer and just living in that momment. How can we forget these momments? How could it all mean nothing and just walk away from it? Prehaps, I just put to much into love. I put to much into relationships. I seek to much, to fast. It's just so hard for me right now to deal with these feelings, because for me, it's not over. For me, I want nothing more then to have a "notebook" momment and run over there and tell her it's not over for me, I still want to be there for her, to help her, to listen, to just be. But I know that right now, she wants nothing of that. She wants to deal with her own things and to me, that means I'll never get to be with her again and its crushing me right now. I know this is all so lame, this stupid struggle inside my heart, but I just can't get over her. Maybe this is pay back for my last couple relationships where I put the girl through this. That she wanted to be with me and I just shut her out. Maybe. Either way, Right now, my heart is surely open wide for this girl and she just keeps walking by. I know that she needs time and space and to be away from me and this probably makes me sound like some kind of creepish/stalker but its just how i feel. I'm a romantic thats in love with someone who isn't in love with me. And it's killing me. I guess in time this feeling will pass. I have tried so hard to not talk to her, but it always seems like I end up shooting her an IM or tyring to call her, just to hear her voice. I just wish, that i could either get another chance, or just shut these feelings off, butI know I won't get any of that. I'll just sit here and think about buying her flowers and writing her notes to put on car windows, all of which will never happen, because I need to respect her wishes. I need to give her space and time. Maybe this should set off a red flag for me, because what if we do get back together and she needs space and time again, will we just break up again. These are thoughts I don't want to deal with. I guess I'll just sit here and pray that God restores my faith in Him and to take these feelings of angst, confusion, love-sickness, anger, bitterness and sadness away from me. I'm getting tired of carrying the weight of my own heart.
I hate how stupid emo this sounds. but in all reality, there isn't a line between being emo and a romantic. And for some reason, I am a romantic, who wants to seek that true beauty in love. Damn.
I would also LJ cut this bad boy so it didn't take up space on your friends list, but i forgot how. so blah.