Well, hello LJ.
No, Kyle, I'm not dead and gone, not yet. And maybe not even from this.
The thing is, I've made a ton of random blogs (really, started a ton of random blogs), so those get whatever I happen to write for a few weeks or so (usually during those periods I'm thinking and feeling sinfully inappropriate or ridiculous things, so it's best to separate them) and then I forget that they exist. I don't forget that this exists, it's just that it's so freshmen and sophomore years of college heavy that it's hard to really... well, anyways I should just get over it and write in here if I'm going to write anywhere.
I haven't really felt the urge to write in a long time, because in the past (or I guess the most recent past during which time I wrote a lot) it was after I would run upstairs from parties at Bridge House to get away from people and the should be like this's. I guess maybe I only really write when I'm feeling pretentious (LOOK WHAT I DID or HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS IS) or when I'm lonely or feel out of place. I haven't really felt like that in a long time. I've lived in close quarters with people since last June, had Jake around since December. I still get kind of funny sometimes, as I tend to hold things back from my significant other / not really truly express myself because I feel he doesn't have an interest in things that interest me, but now I spend almost my entire work day (you know, in between the work I do actually, sometimes, do) talking to Peter online. Peter and I never really got to be friends in college, we 'ran' in the same semi-circles, but really I was too distracted by my made up relationship insanity / drama and school and he was too unsettled with everybody around him for us to really end up talking much ever. Now that we've both kind of given up on that shit, we're finding we have a fuck-ton in common and relating to somebody so well and keeping in close contact with them (on an almost daily basis) kind of makes it hard for me to blog and feel like I'm saying anything that I haven't already said before.
Anywho, I should probably just do it anyways to remember what I did with my time.
What's going on lately:
1) The spiritual/psycological/philosophical stuff: Have been listening to the podcast "Buddhist Geeks" for a while, and one of the interviews featured Brad Warner, a Zen teacher who's really anything but typical. He's incredibly straight-forward, unpretentious, and doesn't give a shit about the fluff in Buddhism (yellow robes and fluffy clouds!). I started reading Hardcore Zen a few days ago, and just in the first few pages realized that much, if not all that I know of my personality in my life is all a crazy illusion, and I needed to get rid of it. All of the silly little angry pieces of me that will defend my choices and rudeness and lack of responsibility to the very end, all of the feelings I get from other people about how I think they think about me or how I think etc etc ball of wax. All of that crap. One of the lines in the book, or quotes in the book, that really sums it all up:
"From birth to death it's just like this."
Nothing I want or desire, after I get it, is ever really going to do it for me. There are no perfect jobs, only jobs you dislike a little bit less. I've wasted so much goddamn energy inventing the world around me that I haven't had time or energy to really enjoy or participate in it all. If you give glory to god for the beauty of a waterfall, you've got to be able to find beauty in dead animal carcasses on the side of the road, too. There is no good without evil, etc etc etc.
Anyways, things are going well.
2) Family: Derek works on a tugboat, dad is going to the UK and Ireland this week to shoot for the US team, Jake (brother, not boyfriend) is going to Washington DC this week, mom moved out here a few weeks ago and is living with nana, her mom, in Quincy.
3) Everything else: Jake and I hang out in my massively great apartment (really, I'm just grateful for this place). Sometimes we go hang out with the folks I met last year. We had a big 4th of July reunion-type on Memorial last weekend, reunion because that's when I met any of the people I now hang out with. Went and played Rummy Cube with Sparky Thursday, Kerri (my old roommate) will here any minute for a girl's day out, I'm going with whoever's coming with me to another beach fire on Plum Island tonight. The only thing that kind of bothers me about the beach fires is that they're in a location that makes it difficult for me to drunk dial people (reception). Summary: I'm getting out and things are going pretty well.
4) Oh yeah, that work thing: This is okay. I like that it gives me purpose and distracts me from everything else. I hate the traffic. Big things are starting to happen on my sites and I'm getting more responsibility, probably out of necessity. I think we should bring more lower level people in to work on all of this... I mean, I can get it done, but I feel weird pushing things off until next week. Don't know. But work gives me plenty of money and a pretty large degree of freedom (my boss only comes in a few days a week and they haven't blocked gmail yet!), so I'm pretty alright there.
The thing is, I've made a ton of random blogs (really, started a ton of random blogs), so those get whatever I happen to write for a few weeks or so (usually during those periods I'm thinking and feeling sinfully inappropriate or ridiculous things, so it's best to separate them) and then I forget that they exist. I don't forget that this exists, it's just that it's so freshmen and sophomore years of college heavy that it's hard to really... well, anyways I should just get over it and write in here if I'm going to write anywhere.
I haven't really felt the urge to write in a long time, because in the past (or I guess the most recent past during which time I wrote a lot) it was after I would run upstairs from parties at Bridge House to get away from people and the should be like this's. I guess maybe I only really write when I'm feeling pretentious (LOOK WHAT I DID or HOW BEAUTIFUL THIS IS) or when I'm lonely or feel out of place. I haven't really felt like that in a long time. I've lived in close quarters with people since last June, had Jake around since December. I still get kind of funny sometimes, as I tend to hold things back from my significant other / not really truly express myself because I feel he doesn't have an interest in things that interest me, but now I spend almost my entire work day (you know, in between the work I do actually, sometimes, do) talking to Peter online. Peter and I never really got to be friends in college, we 'ran' in the same semi-circles, but really I was too distracted by my made up relationship insanity / drama and school and he was too unsettled with everybody around him for us to really end up talking much ever. Now that we've both kind of given up on that shit, we're finding we have a fuck-ton in common and relating to somebody so well and keeping in close contact with them (on an almost daily basis) kind of makes it hard for me to blog and feel like I'm saying anything that I haven't already said before.
Anywho, I should probably just do it anyways to remember what I did with my time.
What's going on lately:
1) The spiritual/psycological/philosophical stuff: Have been listening to the podcast "Buddhist Geeks" for a while, and one of the interviews featured Brad Warner, a Zen teacher who's really anything but typical. He's incredibly straight-forward, unpretentious, and doesn't give a shit about the fluff in Buddhism (yellow robes and fluffy clouds!). I started reading Hardcore Zen a few days ago, and just in the first few pages realized that much, if not all that I know of my personality in my life is all a crazy illusion, and I needed to get rid of it. All of the silly little angry pieces of me that will defend my choices and rudeness and lack of responsibility to the very end, all of the feelings I get from other people about how I think they think about me or how I think etc etc ball of wax. All of that crap. One of the lines in the book, or quotes in the book, that really sums it all up:
"From birth to death it's just like this."
Nothing I want or desire, after I get it, is ever really going to do it for me. There are no perfect jobs, only jobs you dislike a little bit less. I've wasted so much goddamn energy inventing the world around me that I haven't had time or energy to really enjoy or participate in it all. If you give glory to god for the beauty of a waterfall, you've got to be able to find beauty in dead animal carcasses on the side of the road, too. There is no good without evil, etc etc etc.
Anyways, things are going well.
2) Family: Derek works on a tugboat, dad is going to the UK and Ireland this week to shoot for the US team, Jake (brother, not boyfriend) is going to Washington DC this week, mom moved out here a few weeks ago and is living with nana, her mom, in Quincy.
3) Everything else: Jake and I hang out in my massively great apartment (really, I'm just grateful for this place). Sometimes we go hang out with the folks I met last year. We had a big 4th of July reunion-type on Memorial last weekend, reunion because that's when I met any of the people I now hang out with. Went and played Rummy Cube with Sparky Thursday, Kerri (my old roommate) will here any minute for a girl's day out, I'm going with whoever's coming with me to another beach fire on Plum Island tonight. The only thing that kind of bothers me about the beach fires is that they're in a location that makes it difficult for me to drunk dial people (reception). Summary: I'm getting out and things are going pretty well.
4) Oh yeah, that work thing: This is okay. I like that it gives me purpose and distracts me from everything else. I hate the traffic. Big things are starting to happen on my sites and I'm getting more responsibility, probably out of necessity. I think we should bring more lower level people in to work on all of this... I mean, I can get it done, but I feel weird pushing things off until next week. Don't know. But work gives me plenty of money and a pretty large degree of freedom (my boss only comes in a few days a week and they haven't blocked gmail yet!), so I'm pretty alright there.