Christmas Crap
David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Santa Hates You
December 22, 2000
10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife
9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and
posted on the Internet
8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg
7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living
room carpet
6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat
ass"
5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I
know how to kill a man without leaving any marks"
4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives
you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse
3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD
2. Turns his reindeer loose on you
1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof
Signs You're Not Getting A Christmas Bonus
* Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
* The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against
you at the embezzlement trial
* On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
* What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply
closet"
* Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass
on the way out"
* You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are
required to wear pants
* When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed
under avalanche of stolen office supplies
* Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house
and breaks your jaw
* In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap"
appeared 78 times
* You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets
. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.
2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.
3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.
4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.
5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.
6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
year.
7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive
poses.
8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
bad elves.
9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".
10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and
ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of
Santa with the Boss's wife.
11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman
urns.
12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!
13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you
are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer
and a hot blonde instead.
14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.
15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.
16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then
when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.
17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.
18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's
decorations.
ps im still hot for u
December 22, 2000
10. He eats milk and cookies -- and nails your wife
9. Every naughty thing you did this year was videotaped and
posted on the Internet
8. On Christmas morning, your stocking stuffed with a severed leg
7. Only "gift" you received was left by Blitzen on your living
room carpet
6. Instead of, "Ho, Ho, Ho," greets you with, "Nice sweater, fat
ass"
5. Leaves mysterious letter, "I know when you are sleeping, I
know how to kill a man without leaving any marks"
4. You get no presents -- when you bump into him later, he gives
you lame, "I thought you were Jewish" excuse
3. Brings you one copy of every Kathie Lee CD
2. Turns his reindeer loose on you
1. Writes "Happy Holidays" in the snow on the roof
Signs You're Not Getting A Christmas Bonus
* Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
* The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against
you at the embezzlement trial
* On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
* What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply
closet"
* Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit your ass
on the way out"
* You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are
required to wear pants
* When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed
under avalanche of stolen office supplies
* Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house
and breaks your jaw
* In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "crap"
appeared 78 times
* You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets
. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.
2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.
3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.
4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.
5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.
6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
year.
7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive
poses.
8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
bad elves.
9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".
10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and
ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of
Santa with the Boss's wife.
11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman
urns.
12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!
13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you
are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer
and a hot blonde instead.
14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.
15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.
16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then
when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.
17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.
18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's
decorations.
ps im still hot for u