good, old-fashioned, justifiable anger
So it only took me four months but I finally got angry about the whole [best man] thing. Yes, I was angry about that obscene email, but once I got over that whole ordeal I really wasn't angry at all. I actually was having the opposite of that problem for awhile. Not only was I feeling very... kindly... towards him, I was also making excuses (to others and to myself) for his ridiculous behavior. "He meant well..." "He's really a sweet guy..." "I feel bad because I got him in trouble with his best friend..."
Not anymore.
Finally, the anger I should have felt from day one has descended upon me and, not gonna lie, it feels good. Nothing has happened. We haven't spoken recently and, remarkably, he hasn't insulted me again. But a few drinks and a few conversations with a good friend (and another member of the bridal party from that infamous weekend) have helped me to finally realize that there is no excuse for the way I was treated.
I was taken advantage of. Granted, I submitted willingly and that's my problem to deal with, but it's not like he was some kind of angel in this whole fucking mess and I am almost ashamed that it took me this long to realize it. I spent so long dwelling on my own emotional hurricane in this matter that I couldn't even begin to process his guilt. Instead, I blamed myself. While I certainly have been dealing with my own problems resulting from my actions that evening, it's finally clear that I must separate my actions from his. Making myself okay with everything will, inevitably, require me to understand his motivations and, the more I really start to think about those, the angrier I get.
I should be angry. He destroyed my self-esteem. Because we never talked about it, I assumed he must have been mortified at the thought of what we had done. I hope none of you ever have to wade through that horror. The thought has made me physically nauseous more times than I can count in the last few months. Granted, I still think that was the case but for some reason thinking that never made me mad before.
Instead, for the last 2 1/2 months, it has been motivation. I don't ever again want to wake up next to someone and have to worry that he is ashamed of finding himself next to me. It has torn me to shreds and I don't think I could handle it again. So after I spent 4 days not eating because I was so stressed out by those email exchanges, I decided that the time had finally come to start dropping the weight.
I've lost 32 pounds since Labor Day. It's wonderful and I feel great about myself. I still have a long way to go, but I haven't been this size since I was in High School and that has really been helping to repair some of my shattered self-confidence.
I won't pretend like that desire to see him again has gone away because, if I'm being honest, it hasn't. But I feel like I am have a healthier grasp on the situation than I did before which will hopefully help make that go away before too long.
This is a good place for me to be, I think. Hopefully anger will trigger moving on, which is the ultimate goal here. Hopefully...
Not anymore.
Finally, the anger I should have felt from day one has descended upon me and, not gonna lie, it feels good. Nothing has happened. We haven't spoken recently and, remarkably, he hasn't insulted me again. But a few drinks and a few conversations with a good friend (and another member of the bridal party from that infamous weekend) have helped me to finally realize that there is no excuse for the way I was treated.
I was taken advantage of. Granted, I submitted willingly and that's my problem to deal with, but it's not like he was some kind of angel in this whole fucking mess and I am almost ashamed that it took me this long to realize it. I spent so long dwelling on my own emotional hurricane in this matter that I couldn't even begin to process his guilt. Instead, I blamed myself. While I certainly have been dealing with my own problems resulting from my actions that evening, it's finally clear that I must separate my actions from his. Making myself okay with everything will, inevitably, require me to understand his motivations and, the more I really start to think about those, the angrier I get.
I should be angry. He destroyed my self-esteem. Because we never talked about it, I assumed he must have been mortified at the thought of what we had done. I hope none of you ever have to wade through that horror. The thought has made me physically nauseous more times than I can count in the last few months. Granted, I still think that was the case but for some reason thinking that never made me mad before.
Instead, for the last 2 1/2 months, it has been motivation. I don't ever again want to wake up next to someone and have to worry that he is ashamed of finding himself next to me. It has torn me to shreds and I don't think I could handle it again. So after I spent 4 days not eating because I was so stressed out by those email exchanges, I decided that the time had finally come to start dropping the weight.
I've lost 32 pounds since Labor Day. It's wonderful and I feel great about myself. I still have a long way to go, but I haven't been this size since I was in High School and that has really been helping to repair some of my shattered self-confidence.
I won't pretend like that desire to see him again has gone away because, if I'm being honest, it hasn't. But I feel like I am have a healthier grasp on the situation than I did before which will hopefully help make that go away before too long.
This is a good place for me to be, I think. Hopefully anger will trigger moving on, which is the ultimate goal here. Hopefully...