Personal Stories (more on the website)
Below some Compulsive Overeatiners have shared their personal stories of what having Compulsive (Over)Eating means to them (from: http://www.something-fishy.org/whatarethey/coe_stories1.php)
from Kelley...
I eat in response to rage and to a sense of having been betrayed. Anything that I connect with betrayal tends to trigger binges. I'm not a drinker and I'm not particularly nuts about sweets. I go nuts on pasta. I notice, though, that lately I have not been as hungry. I think it's because I have finally gotten my mother to support me.
I know that this is absurd and that I am too strong, too smart and too capable of contributing to life. I feel almost as if I have gone on strike and I feel comforted for the first time in my life.
I am now beginning menopause and have moments of weepiness which, for me at least, is a plus. I have never been able to weep before. I internalized shame and hatred but never wept. I used to be shamed for showing emotions. In fact, I was criticized for everything.
from Tracey...
Compulsive overeating is my life. I would never have imagined that there was a term to describe my hell, but now know there is after reading the description of COE, and answering yes to every symptom. There is never a time that I am not not consumed with food. I'm either thinking about food, or eating. I work out regularly, and am quite busy so I appear to everyone else to be chunky rather than obese. No one has any idea how much food I eat, or how much I think about eating. I eat normally in front of people, and sneak the rest. I have driven (by myself of course) to a fast food restaurant, ordered a large cheeseburger, fries and drink, eaten the entire meat in less than 5 minutes, then driven directly to a different fast food restaurant and ordered more. I will purposefully wrap all of the containers and bags up as small as I can and stop where no one knows me and throw the "evidence" away. I even sneak food into the bathroom at home, turn the fan on so no one can hear the food wrappers rattling and binge. I eat until I feel ill. Many times if I am prevented from eating, like if someone comes over unexpectedly, I feel extremely angry and anxious.
I have no idea why this is happening to me, and feel powerless to stop this madness. There is nothing that seems to help me not eat. I have a great life, wonderful husband/kids, and my life is probably less stressful than most. While I know my husband loves me, he does have a problem with my weight. He has never had a problem with his own weight, and looks are important to him. The few times we have ever fought was essentially about my weight. I suppose you can guess what happens then. . . I eat even more. The funny thing is he has no clue about the extent of my eating, and what is going on with me. Consequently I have a hard time with intimacy because I don't want my husband to see how fat I really am. I am so ashamed. Like others I've read about with COE, none of the diets and pills have helped. I even try to make myself throw up after eating, but am not very succesful at that either. Believe me, if I could make myself throw up I would.
I have searched my life to come up with some clue as to why this is happening, and come up empty for the most part. My life is like alot of other people~ parents divorced when I was 5, loving parents, very strict father, less strict mother, a step father who didn't particularly like me, but that was the worst of it.
from Jean...
It feels strange to be typing this out. I have never admitted my eating problems to anyone. I'm really not sure when I started overeating. I guess food has always been a comfort to me. My mother was an admitted anorexic, who lived vicariously by stuffing her entire family while she starved herself. I was always a chunky kid, but I was healthy and active, so it didn't matter then. Then my mother left us when I was eleven. I was furious. I turned to my father for comfort, but he was too lost in his own pain to offer any. So I guess that's when I turned to food. But all through high school I remained busy and active, so my weight never got too out of control. When I went to college, everything hit me. I started eating nonstop, to numb all of my anger and fear and insecurities. I worked out like a maniac but I never lost weight because I binged at least two times a week. Sometimes I starved myself. If I can get through one day without eating anything, I feel like I am on top of the world. Then the next day I mess it all up by eating everything in the house. I am alone all the time, which doesn't help. I am only aware of how much I'm eating when I am around other people. I hope living away at school next year will help. That is, if I haven't eaten myself to death by then. The truth is, I am scared to death. I have never had much control over my life, I've felt like a huge failure so many times. But that feeling always passed. I don't see this problem stopping. I have no control anymore and I don't know what to do. How can I take care of anything else in my life if all I can think of is food?? To me, overeating is about numbing myself, so I don't have to think or feel or know what's going on around me. About making myself so huge and unattractive and invisible no one will hurt me again but myself.
from Kelley...
I eat in response to rage and to a sense of having been betrayed. Anything that I connect with betrayal tends to trigger binges. I'm not a drinker and I'm not particularly nuts about sweets. I go nuts on pasta. I notice, though, that lately I have not been as hungry. I think it's because I have finally gotten my mother to support me.
I know that this is absurd and that I am too strong, too smart and too capable of contributing to life. I feel almost as if I have gone on strike and I feel comforted for the first time in my life.
I am now beginning menopause and have moments of weepiness which, for me at least, is a plus. I have never been able to weep before. I internalized shame and hatred but never wept. I used to be shamed for showing emotions. In fact, I was criticized for everything.
from Tracey...
Compulsive overeating is my life. I would never have imagined that there was a term to describe my hell, but now know there is after reading the description of COE, and answering yes to every symptom. There is never a time that I am not not consumed with food. I'm either thinking about food, or eating. I work out regularly, and am quite busy so I appear to everyone else to be chunky rather than obese. No one has any idea how much food I eat, or how much I think about eating. I eat normally in front of people, and sneak the rest. I have driven (by myself of course) to a fast food restaurant, ordered a large cheeseburger, fries and drink, eaten the entire meat in less than 5 minutes, then driven directly to a different fast food restaurant and ordered more. I will purposefully wrap all of the containers and bags up as small as I can and stop where no one knows me and throw the "evidence" away. I even sneak food into the bathroom at home, turn the fan on so no one can hear the food wrappers rattling and binge. I eat until I feel ill. Many times if I am prevented from eating, like if someone comes over unexpectedly, I feel extremely angry and anxious.
I have no idea why this is happening to me, and feel powerless to stop this madness. There is nothing that seems to help me not eat. I have a great life, wonderful husband/kids, and my life is probably less stressful than most. While I know my husband loves me, he does have a problem with my weight. He has never had a problem with his own weight, and looks are important to him. The few times we have ever fought was essentially about my weight. I suppose you can guess what happens then. . . I eat even more. The funny thing is he has no clue about the extent of my eating, and what is going on with me. Consequently I have a hard time with intimacy because I don't want my husband to see how fat I really am. I am so ashamed. Like others I've read about with COE, none of the diets and pills have helped. I even try to make myself throw up after eating, but am not very succesful at that either. Believe me, if I could make myself throw up I would.
I have searched my life to come up with some clue as to why this is happening, and come up empty for the most part. My life is like alot of other people~ parents divorced when I was 5, loving parents, very strict father, less strict mother, a step father who didn't particularly like me, but that was the worst of it.
from Jean...
It feels strange to be typing this out. I have never admitted my eating problems to anyone. I'm really not sure when I started overeating. I guess food has always been a comfort to me. My mother was an admitted anorexic, who lived vicariously by stuffing her entire family while she starved herself. I was always a chunky kid, but I was healthy and active, so it didn't matter then. Then my mother left us when I was eleven. I was furious. I turned to my father for comfort, but he was too lost in his own pain to offer any. So I guess that's when I turned to food. But all through high school I remained busy and active, so my weight never got too out of control. When I went to college, everything hit me. I started eating nonstop, to numb all of my anger and fear and insecurities. I worked out like a maniac but I never lost weight because I binged at least two times a week. Sometimes I starved myself. If I can get through one day without eating anything, I feel like I am on top of the world. Then the next day I mess it all up by eating everything in the house. I am alone all the time, which doesn't help. I am only aware of how much I'm eating when I am around other people. I hope living away at school next year will help. That is, if I haven't eaten myself to death by then. The truth is, I am scared to death. I have never had much control over my life, I've felt like a huge failure so many times. But that feeling always passed. I don't see this problem stopping. I have no control anymore and I don't know what to do. How can I take care of anything else in my life if all I can think of is food?? To me, overeating is about numbing myself, so I don't have to think or feel or know what's going on around me. About making myself so huge and unattractive and invisible no one will hurt me again but myself.