epiphany
Over winter break i experienced a huge relief and euphoria when I made public my decision to pursue acting. It was thrilling and exciting and freeing. I was so happy to have decided concretely on a path for my future. I thought that my new found happiness was due to finally see my dream future as an acceptable reality. But when I returned to school, all of my old feelings came flooding back. The helplessness and hopelessness and inadequateness (inadequacy?). The resignation and the worry. Feeling stifled and stymied in all my pursuits. How could I still feel this way? I had decided on a future and returning to LA didn't lessen my resolve or ambition- if anything it furthered my plan. I expected to return with my new-found fervor and determination. But instead I've fallen into the same old emotional pattern.
i realized tonight that what i need is change.
I haven't lived in one place for this long since I was nine years old. The room number may have changed- but the place has not. The same speckled linoleum counter, the same bleached wooden furniture, the same blank walls, the same heavy key-padded door, the same institutional hallways, the same generic carpet, the same bedroom-bath combo, same dining halls and lack of a kitchen. What excited and freed me over break was the prospect of a new beginning. A new life, a new place, a new chance. A change. The idea of having new -not just concrete and amazing- pursuits is just as exciting as the object of those pursuits. I need a physical change to match my mental and attitudinal change. Something as complete as the change I've made within me.
Hopefully, now that I've recognized this, I will be able to embrace and embody my new sense of freedom without such a silly and unnecessary material representation. [but i'm still really excited to move out/on]