a lame attempt
My how time flies. The idea that I might regularly update was optimistic to say the least.
Baby is great. He’s six months old and doing all kinds of spiffy tricks. Like deep belly laughs and pulling hair and grabbing cat tails and drooling excessively and bouncing non-stop in his jumperoo and shouting out loud and eating mushy bananas and examining blocks like they’re the most fascinating objects in the universe. When I come home from work, sick to death of politics and cubicles, it brings me such joy just to look at him. I can’t even express it. Yesterday, I picked him up after walking through the door in a crabby mood, and he actually hugged me. I almost cried. I’m amazed by these little milestones every day.
Of course, I have a long list of motherhood topics that I’d like to be writing about with wit and insight. But I’m so exhausted all the time. Seriously. Every time I try to sit down and write, I end up thinking about how much I’d rather be sleeping.
So here’s one of those goofy questionnaire thingies to bridge the gap between my last meaningful post and my next one. Enjoy.
BODY
1. Nervous habits?
Running my hands through my hair. However, sometimes this is just to get it out of my face. So don’t be thinking that you can easily spot my nervousness, buster. Also, when speaking in front of a group, apparently I hold my hand over my belly like I have a stomach ache, which I probably do. Plus all the other things I don’t know I do because I’m too busy being self-absorbed in my nervousness at the time.
2. Are you double jointed?
No. But Tom Waits is and I think that’s crazy cool.
3. Can you roll your tongue?
Yes. But most people can, so that ain’t no big thing.
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time?
No. I covet that talent.
5. Can you blow spit bubbles?
Well sure.
6. Can you cross your eyes?
Not only can I cross my eyes (are there really people who can’t cross their eyes?) but I can cross them independently. Top that!
7. Tattoos?
No, but I toy with the idea. And by toy, I mean I think it’s cool that other people have them and if I were the sort of person who was motivated about such things I’d probably get a little tattoo of a spiral or ohm symbol or some such on the small of my back. But let’s face it, if I haven’t done it by now it’s never going to happen.
8. Piercings?
Ears, twice each side. But I haven’t put earrings in the second holes for quite some time, so maybe they’ve grown over by now. I also toy with the idea of a bellybutton ring because, although annoyingly trendy, I still think they’re sexy. See definition of “toy” above.
9. Do you make your bed daily?
No way. That’s men’s work.
CLOTHES
10. Which shoe goes on first?
Huh? I don’t know. Um. Let me think. The right one I guess. Jeez. Who pays attention to these things?
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?
Hell no. I prefer to injure people with words.
12. On the average, how much money do you carry?
I have no fucking idea. I can’t keep this monochromatic U.S. currency straight. I could have $11 in ones. Or I could have $120. I don’t really know until I pull it all out, hold it up to my near-sighted left eye while closing my far-sighted right eye, and then hand a fistful of what I hope is close to the price over to the Starbucks cashier.
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
Little silver earrings with a moonstone.
14. Favorite piece of clothing?
Whatever latest thing I bought and am currently wearing too often.
FOOD
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Twirl, of course. Love the twirl.
16. Have you ever eaten Spam?
Jesus GOD. Are you kidding me? I can’t bear to eat chicken that hasn’t had every little white and red bit cut out of it. Spam is totally out of the question.
17. Do you use extra salt on your food?
No.
18. How many cereals in your cabinet?
None.
19. What's your favorite beverage?
Well, if I had to pick just one drink to have for the rest of my life, it would be water. NOT tap water. Filtered water. But I like other stuff too. Vanilla Chai tea is turning me on lately.
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant?
Fast food restaurants are not an option unless I’m desperate.
21. Do you cook?
Yes! I love cooking! Sometimes I think I should have pursued a career as a chef.
GROOMING
22. How often do you brush your teeth?
Pre-baby, twice a day, morning and night. Post-baby, I confess that sometimes the nighttime brush is missed due to extreme fatigue resulting in early bedtime crashing that also involves only partial undressing. However, I feel compelled to reveal to those who are now gasping in horror that I’ve NEVER had a cavity in my entire life. Ever. In fact, my new dentist said to me during my first visit, and this is verbatim, “You have the best set of teeth I’ve seen in my career to date. So whatever you’re doing, keep doing it.” So there, obsessive brushers.
23. Hair drying method?
Comb through hair to detangle. Hang head upside-down. Blow until nearly dry. Flip right-side-up. Blow some more. This takes about three minutes, since I only have about 13 hairs on my head in total. No, I’m not bald. I just mean that my hair is very fine and there’s not as much of it as I’d like.
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair?
Yeah. But I can’t use the stuff with ammonia cuz it makes more hair than seems normal fall out. And, since I only have 13 hairs in total, any hair falling out is an alarming thing. So, we’ll see what happens when there’s more grey hair than brown hair. Here’s hoping I look good in grey.
MANNERS
25. Do you swear?
I live in fear that my baby’s first word will be FUCK.
26. Do you ever spit?
Gross!
FAVORITE
27. Animal?
Cat. And in particular, my cat, Pike. My least favourite is the human animal. We’re such self-righteous, arrogant, destructive beasts.
28. Food?
Salty crunchy. But that combination spells early death for me, so I try to avoid it.
29. Month
September. The best weather of the year. Crisp, bright days. Lovely colours. Makes you feel great to be alive.
30. Day?
Saturday-morning sleep-ins! Oh wait. That was pre-baby. Now they all run together in a near-indistinguishable mass of round-the-clock mayhem. Cherish your freedom while you still can!
31. Cartoon?
Not really into cartoons. But I like South Park when I happen to catch it.
32. Shoe brand?
Not a brand girl. I buy cheap shoes. I used to wear Birkenstocks 365 days a year, but that was before I sold my soul to a large multi-national corporation. Now I kick off my cheap, torture devices as soon as I get home and go barefoot the rest of the time.
33. Subject in school?
English and Art.
34. Color?
I wear a lot of black because it makes my boobs look 5.7 percent smaller and that gives me comfort. But that doesn’t mean it’s my favorite colour. If I had normal-sized boobs, or a more ballsy “go ahead and stare at my boobs, asshole” attitude, I’d wear more colours like cornflower blue, roasted pepper red, burgundy, forest green and coral. I like lots of different colours.
35. Sport?
Hate watching them. Hate talking about them or hearing other people talk about them. Hate participating in anything that involves teams or any other people at all. I love yoga. I like lifting weights. I tolerate hiking as long as there is a great reward (e.g. vast mountain vista) at the end.
36. TV shows?
I love me some LOST.
37. Thing to do in the spring?
Smell the intoxicating earthy scent of air after rainfall.
38. Thing to do in the summer?
Eat outside.
39. Thing to do in the autumn?
Walk in the multi-coloured woods.
40. Thing to do in the winter?
Something cliché, like cozying up in a fleece blanket and reading a good book while listening to rain fall on the roof. (I live in a temperate climate where snow is fleeting).
IN AND AROUND
41. In the CD player?
Home CD player is currently on the fritz. Car CD player has Tom Waits, Hawksley Workman, Martin Sexton, Po’ Girls, Damien Rice, Madelaine Peyroux.
42. Person you talk most on the phone with?
Not a big phone talker. Probably my mother, on average once a week.
43. Reading?
Who has time to read with a baby around?
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors?
Yes, furtively and with apprehension about what horrors I might see there.
45. What color is your bedroom?
Cream and wood.
46. Do you use an alarm clock?
Yes. His name is Max and he is six months old.
47. Window seat or aisle?
Window. I need to lean.
DUMB
48. What's your sleeping position?
Pre-baby: on my stomach with one leg up and one arm under the pillow. Post-baby: On my side or back. Boobs are currently too full of milk to make stomach sleeping possible, plus, I’ve become addicted to the pillow-between-the-legs-side-sleeping method that all pregnant women adopt.
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket?
I have a heat pump in my house, which regulates the temperature beautifully (and efficiently) year-round such that hot weather does not register any differently than cold. So, yes. I sleep with a blanket.
50. Do you snore?
Only when I have a cold, because that transforms me into a nasty noisy mouth-breather.
51. Do you sleepwalk?
Yes. A few years ago I dreamed that my pillow was a bomb and the only way to diffuse it was to put it in the living room. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was in the living room.
52. Do you talk in your sleep?
Don’t think so. But my mom does! She speaks in tongues! I discovered this during a trip to New Orleans with her during which we shared a room. Every time I was on the verge of dropping off to sleep, she’d suddenly say, “Shwalla kinster MAMLIACKawanta snip! Anta blabba commiSPLAB!” And I’d say, sitting up in bed all alarmed at the urgency in her voice, “What? What’s the matter?!” But she’d be fast asleep. Crazy.
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
No room for stuffed animals what with all the real animals taking up so much room.
54. How about with the light on?
I need darkness. But recently I’ve had to use a night-light to ensure effective nighttime nursing. The baby doesn’t like milk in his ear.
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on?
No, but I’ve grown dependent on the white noise of a fan.
56. Last interesting person you met
I’m drawing a blank here. Nope. Can’t think of a single interesting person that I’ve met in recent history. What that probably means is that I’m simply uninterested in most people. Wow. That’s a harsh thought to close with.