Panic
I'm not sure what it is....my doctor increased my medication...and i feel like it's backfiring. My mind is desperate for things to hold onto...addicted to relief of tension....then it creates more tension needing more relief. I had a lil binge the other day....then I went to the gym for two and a half hours...one of those hours a total body conditioning class and i hardly ate that day. It was to make up for the day before....then yesterday....I'm not sure what went wrong...but i had another binge day....and today i'm restricting. Man, I've had such awful thoughts. I drank this disgusting alchohol on the first day, I was so overfull that i felt disgusting...it was like a digestif...but i was hoping it would make me sick...and just my thoughts lately in general have been reminding me of where i once was....and i never want to be there again...i dont care if i gain a couple pounds ( even though I do). Such a frightening remembrance. I'll be working soon. I'm trying to fight myself every which way. What my mind would normally go to when im sad inside....sometimes i dont even know why i feel the way i feel. It just happens then it feels like a devil taunting me. So abusive. I was talking to my therapist the other day...saying i feel hugless. Hugs are important i think...esp...when they are honest...but there is no one here that i want to do that....so for now i take myself in my own arms and shit i have to work on being kinder to myself...cuz i dont want to hurt myself in my embrace.