(no subject)
I just don't know anymore..I haven't written in this thing forever...but here is just a lil sumin on my mind.. well I'll be transferring to Embry-Riddle next semester..but I'm really nervous about the costs.. I'm not sure how much it is..but I kno its an expensive school and no matter how much it is..my mom is gonna have to pay for it alone.. I don't think I'm gonna get any scholarships there because I'm not a math genius..and I have to work extra hard becuase I'll be studying Aeronautical Science.. sounds like funn..but math sure isn't :(
Anyways... what really ticked me off was that some lady at my dads Air National Guard Base said they would pay in full for my college costs..from benefits..but of course she was an idiot and said something she shouldn't have before she knew all of the details..so now they are only gonna pay like $8,000 a year..which is atleast something..but it just makes me sad.. and angry..because all I've been thinking about is how I spend so much of my moms money on clothes, make up, shit I don't need..yet I still complain all the time just to get what I want..because its addicting.. and I just feel like shit.. I feel like I prolly won't even do well there.. I mean whos to say..but sometimes I just wonder if I should even go.. but its not like I wanna be here anyways either.. and hopefully I can get a job on campus or something..I really feel to the need to help out more..I was also thinking about enlisting over the summer..it would help pay for college and it's been on my mind for some time now.. I just feel like I need to do something more.. going to the mall and doing whatever I want just seems to wrong of me.. I went to the mall today for parents weekend..and yes I do love the mall and clothes..but it feels so different now..as if I don't deserve it..i just don't kno.. and its even harder without my dad..cuz he's not here to help with anything.. and I feel bad for my mom cuz shes got all this stuff..and uhh..I've just been wanting to cry like all weekend..but I don't want anyone to see me or have to wonder what is wrong with me..and I don't even know when my roomies are coming back so I don't want them to see me..maybe I'll go to the church later..okay.. I'm just gonna stop now..
It's funny how people always tell me I look so happy..
Anyways... what really ticked me off was that some lady at my dads Air National Guard Base said they would pay in full for my college costs..from benefits..but of course she was an idiot and said something she shouldn't have before she knew all of the details..so now they are only gonna pay like $8,000 a year..which is atleast something..but it just makes me sad.. and angry..because all I've been thinking about is how I spend so much of my moms money on clothes, make up, shit I don't need..yet I still complain all the time just to get what I want..because its addicting.. and I just feel like shit.. I feel like I prolly won't even do well there.. I mean whos to say..but sometimes I just wonder if I should even go.. but its not like I wanna be here anyways either.. and hopefully I can get a job on campus or something..I really feel to the need to help out more..I was also thinking about enlisting over the summer..it would help pay for college and it's been on my mind for some time now.. I just feel like I need to do something more.. going to the mall and doing whatever I want just seems to wrong of me.. I went to the mall today for parents weekend..and yes I do love the mall and clothes..but it feels so different now..as if I don't deserve it..i just don't kno.. and its even harder without my dad..cuz he's not here to help with anything.. and I feel bad for my mom cuz shes got all this stuff..and uhh..I've just been wanting to cry like all weekend..but I don't want anyone to see me or have to wonder what is wrong with me..and I don't even know when my roomies are coming back so I don't want them to see me..maybe I'll go to the church later..okay.. I'm just gonna stop now..
It's funny how people always tell me I look so happy..