Long time no see...
Hi all
Was talking to someone about me having an online journal, and was compelled to write!!
Life has had its ups and downs - hell, I could write a book on the downs. Ive read through my past postings, and its all the same boring crap, thinking im in love, falling out of it, I know for a face, there have only been two times I have ever felt love for someone - the other times have just been fondness, I dont fall in love too quickly, I just think I do. After sitting down and thinking about it today, the above statement had come to me.
Ups were meeting James (another one!) ,again from work, and I spent a blissfull two months with him, nothing could have been better - I actually realised I was falling for him before we were seeing each other, I dont know what it was, he has something special about him, an openess, something calming, and a whole lot of other stuff, above all, he makes me smile. I didnt expect the same feelings back, but I knew once we were together, we had something very special. Then a few weeks ago, out of the blue, he dropped it on me that he was moving to london, and there was no place for me in his new life - I had to find this out at work, and proceeded to get dumped in my lunch hour. I was absolutely gutted. Ieven had to go home early, I couldnt stay there and see him all happy and smiley with everyone when I felt so bad. We tlak really well now, and he also isnt going back to london - there was even a possibility of us getting back together, but I dont know about that now. He tells me some days he really wants me, others, he just wants to be alone, I understand what he means, I on the other hand, miss him every waking hour, and wish he were here with me 24/7!
We have however, got to know each other a great deal since we split up, which is odd, I have learnt secrets about him, that no one knows, he unfortunately has had to listen to some of mine - I feel bad putting it all on him, but I have never felt I have ever had anyone to talk to. I told him about my drink problem - which has been over a while now, I never want to go back there ever ever again, I have told him about my bad experiences with men, which no one has ever heard because it digusts me so much, and there are plenty of things I am sure will come to light, but I am not scared anymore, I at least know that if we never get back together (which will break my heart more than it already is), but I know I will have the best friend I will ever want - he is such a special person, although we are very different people, we have a great deal in common. No one has ever made me feel so special, and wanted - tomorrow I am meeting aload of his friends - its a bit of a coupily thing to do, but if he wants me to meet them, I am honoured. He also gave me the best gift for my birthday, its nothing to alot of people, but its a linkin park hoody, and its great, ive not had it leave my side since he gave me it yesterday!!
I'll stop going on about him now, I could write a massive essay on all the things I love about him!!
I was just talking to someone today, and I know I am not old, but I feel like I am geting left behind, everyone is getting married around me - I by no means am ready for all that now, I just wish I knew that it was something that will be present in my future.
James (bro) and susie have been home for a few months now, but tonight at a quarter to eleven, left for n.ireland. Im going to miss them being around - having susie here has been like having a sister.
Went to Vickis last night, got trashed and went to sleep earlyish for a change!
James is away on a stag night in scarbro atm, and I am so worried about him, I know I shouldnt, but hes told me allsorts, and I really genuinly am worried about him, I text him back earlier, but he said he never got my text, dunno what happened there. I just pray he comes back in one piece - and a live piece at that. I said I will shut up about him and ive gone off on one again!
Was my birthday on thursday, had a really shitty day - spent it with James (not because I wsa with him) but I just felt so alone, he put his arm round me and I wanted to cry, i love spending time with him, but it takes everything ive got not to grab him and kiss him, i know he'd probably slap me! Its just so difficult that knowing someone cares about you, when you care for them, and nothing is being done about it, hurts so much.
And again *slap*
Eee I dunno, I always hope my life will get better - they say its what you make of it, I try and make it everything, but it all goes down the pan - maybe if I decide to make it all rubbish again, I might get somewhere!! Who knows. One day...
Work sucks as per, although ive moved departments, and it is a little more bareable, Ive also taken on a second job - at the venue pub, it is absolutely amazing, and has given me a new lease of life, if only I could go there full time, i have so much fun, love the work, it is absolutely brilliant. I never thought something could bring me so muxh pleasure!! Although on the bad side, its shut for 5-6 wks for a massive refurb! DOH!!!
Hey ho, just thought id stop by, let anyone that is still around know im still alive, and really just to get everything off my chest.
Love always
V
x
Was talking to someone about me having an online journal, and was compelled to write!!
Life has had its ups and downs - hell, I could write a book on the downs. Ive read through my past postings, and its all the same boring crap, thinking im in love, falling out of it, I know for a face, there have only been two times I have ever felt love for someone - the other times have just been fondness, I dont fall in love too quickly, I just think I do. After sitting down and thinking about it today, the above statement had come to me.
Ups were meeting James (another one!) ,again from work, and I spent a blissfull two months with him, nothing could have been better - I actually realised I was falling for him before we were seeing each other, I dont know what it was, he has something special about him, an openess, something calming, and a whole lot of other stuff, above all, he makes me smile. I didnt expect the same feelings back, but I knew once we were together, we had something very special. Then a few weeks ago, out of the blue, he dropped it on me that he was moving to london, and there was no place for me in his new life - I had to find this out at work, and proceeded to get dumped in my lunch hour. I was absolutely gutted. Ieven had to go home early, I couldnt stay there and see him all happy and smiley with everyone when I felt so bad. We tlak really well now, and he also isnt going back to london - there was even a possibility of us getting back together, but I dont know about that now. He tells me some days he really wants me, others, he just wants to be alone, I understand what he means, I on the other hand, miss him every waking hour, and wish he were here with me 24/7!
We have however, got to know each other a great deal since we split up, which is odd, I have learnt secrets about him, that no one knows, he unfortunately has had to listen to some of mine - I feel bad putting it all on him, but I have never felt I have ever had anyone to talk to. I told him about my drink problem - which has been over a while now, I never want to go back there ever ever again, I have told him about my bad experiences with men, which no one has ever heard because it digusts me so much, and there are plenty of things I am sure will come to light, but I am not scared anymore, I at least know that if we never get back together (which will break my heart more than it already is), but I know I will have the best friend I will ever want - he is such a special person, although we are very different people, we have a great deal in common. No one has ever made me feel so special, and wanted - tomorrow I am meeting aload of his friends - its a bit of a coupily thing to do, but if he wants me to meet them, I am honoured. He also gave me the best gift for my birthday, its nothing to alot of people, but its a linkin park hoody, and its great, ive not had it leave my side since he gave me it yesterday!!
I'll stop going on about him now, I could write a massive essay on all the things I love about him!!
I was just talking to someone today, and I know I am not old, but I feel like I am geting left behind, everyone is getting married around me - I by no means am ready for all that now, I just wish I knew that it was something that will be present in my future.
James (bro) and susie have been home for a few months now, but tonight at a quarter to eleven, left for n.ireland. Im going to miss them being around - having susie here has been like having a sister.
Went to Vickis last night, got trashed and went to sleep earlyish for a change!
James is away on a stag night in scarbro atm, and I am so worried about him, I know I shouldnt, but hes told me allsorts, and I really genuinly am worried about him, I text him back earlier, but he said he never got my text, dunno what happened there. I just pray he comes back in one piece - and a live piece at that. I said I will shut up about him and ive gone off on one again!
Was my birthday on thursday, had a really shitty day - spent it with James (not because I wsa with him) but I just felt so alone, he put his arm round me and I wanted to cry, i love spending time with him, but it takes everything ive got not to grab him and kiss him, i know he'd probably slap me! Its just so difficult that knowing someone cares about you, when you care for them, and nothing is being done about it, hurts so much.
And again *slap*
Eee I dunno, I always hope my life will get better - they say its what you make of it, I try and make it everything, but it all goes down the pan - maybe if I decide to make it all rubbish again, I might get somewhere!! Who knows. One day...
Work sucks as per, although ive moved departments, and it is a little more bareable, Ive also taken on a second job - at the venue pub, it is absolutely amazing, and has given me a new lease of life, if only I could go there full time, i have so much fun, love the work, it is absolutely brilliant. I never thought something could bring me so muxh pleasure!! Although on the bad side, its shut for 5-6 wks for a massive refurb! DOH!!!
Hey ho, just thought id stop by, let anyone that is still around know im still alive, and really just to get everything off my chest.
Love always
V
x