On rape and men
Sinboy posted this link yesterday. I'm reposting it here because even though a number of you also read him, a number of you don't, and I feel that everyone I know should read this. Read the comments too
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But I wouldn't say the same thing about my entire friend group. In fact, there are people I call friends who I wouldn't bet a penny that they wouldn't rape someone, given the misfortune of circumstances that bring out their less endearing traits. Some of these people, I've seen in dubious consent circumstances of other kinds, like the friend who kissed me before informing me that his girlfriend wouldn't approve if she knew.
I've been thinking of linking that post in my own journal, not just for the post, but for the comments. Because any of my male friends who do not know the following truths should, and perhaps the heartbreaking comments would clue them in: every woman you meet is probably sizing you up as to whether or not she thinks you might, given the proper circumstances, rape her. She is not doing that because she is paranoid. It is not paranoid to refuse to walk through the Tenderloin at 2am with expensive electronics and an inattentive attitude. She is doing that because she is sensible and self-defensive. And everything you've ever done that permits the idea that women are lesser than men, from sitting quietly when that jerk your friend brought to the poker game talks about 'hos' to assuming that girl you just met at the party knows less about computers than you do, has contributed to making it so.
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every woman you meet is probably sizing you up as to whether or not she thinks you might, given the proper circumstances, rape her
Precisely. I do this. I do this to *everyone*. It is automatic, it is instinctive, it is a survival trait. It is utterly depressing that it must be this way, but until the world changes, it must be, or women risk being raped because they have one drink too many.
Drunken consent *isn't* unless it was negotiated while sober. Stoned consent *isn't* unless it was negotiated while sober. Consent *isn't* when it's under duress or in any situation other than a clear-headed negotiation. It doesn't have to be verbal, but it does have to be done with all of the involved parties in full possession of their faculties.
And a woman should not have to stay sober because if she gets drunk she might get raped. That's like saying a woman shouldn't wear a short skirt because she might get raped. She wasn't "asking for it".
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It pisses me off no end that this is necessary to make both me and her comfortable.
I tend toward the Heinlein view of rapists (out the airlock they go), but I've led too sheltered a life to be in any situations to test my ethics as a second-party observer. I'd like to think that speaks well of my choice of company, but it may simply be luck.
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It's been my experience that geeks have a higher Nice Guy/Asshole ratio than the Really Real World.
You're also not an idiot. You Think About Stuff. You look beyond just what you're doing to it's possible consequences. You get that action A has result B and unexpected results C, D, Q and purple.
It's one of the reasons why I'm delighted that you and aelfie had children. Your kids have the advantage of having parents with a clue. And while it's a long and slow process, you're instilling in them the values now that will, when Ike and Gray are 21 and partying in college, hopefully enable them to be That Guy. For that and so many other reasons, I love you both.
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I think this falls into the category of "reasons I don't think that word applies to me" but since other people apply it to me, it seems relevant. I have LITERALLY never done that. It would not occur to me to do that. I am afraid of people breaking into my car (with reason - this has happened twice), maybe breaking into my house (or at least entering it if I forget to lock the doors), robbing me at knifepoint (if I go to the wrong neighborhoods), maybe even physically assaulting me if I piss them off... but it never occurred to me to worry about rape. It's pretty much an abstract concept to me. To me, sizing my friends up as might-be rapists is akin to sizing my friends up as might-be murderers.
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I fear all of those other things too under the right circumstances, and I envy that being raped is an abstract for you.
I don't generally sit there sizing up the people I know and love - but everyone I meet, everyone I bump into, that guy behind me in line at $bucks, that lady walking determinedly and blindly down Market Street, those people I just met at that party? Yeah. New person gets an evaluation. That evaluation gets updated as more information gets added.
I wish that it weren't this way. I wish that I didn't have that filter. More importantly, I wish it weren't necessary.
Instead, I'll be deeply happy to know that I know at least one person who doesn't have to have that filter in place.
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If that was the only count against it, sure, but at this point in my life I fit more exceptions than rules. I don't feel comfortable using that word.
Instead, I'll be deeply happy to know that I know at least one person who doesn't have to have that filter in place.
Of course if you read the rest of karenbynight's comment that I didn't quote there was a bit about assessing people like that being "sensible and self-defensive". This does imply that I am not sensible and not sufficiently defensive. I mean, I don't actually think I have some kind of magic rape-proofing armor. I'm still half-expecting someone to reply to my comment telling me I'm hopelessly naive and careless.
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