Five Things, part 1 - allanh
Saw this originally in allanh's LJ. If you wish, comment on this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with and/or comment with five things you associate with me and I'll expound upon them in my journal. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.
1) Paganism
I self identify religiously as a pagan, if only because it's a loose enough catch-all one word answer that I feel comfy using it in situations where I'm fairly sure the person asking doesn't actually want a verbal essay on the subject.
I was a Baptist until the age of 11, at which point I examined the church I was attending and realized that so many things I had been taught were deeply hypocritical and I just couldn't force myself to go any longer. From that point forward, with my parent's encouragement, I experimented. I went to Mormon church camp and attended several Sunday services. I talked to people I knew about their faiths and asked questions - Judaism, Buddhism, Taoism, Catholicism, various flavours from the neo-pagan movement. I read. I questioned. I thought. I pondered.
The one thing I didn't do was listen. That took a lot longer. Once I listened to my heart, I figured out that there wasn't an organized religion of any stripe that could give me what I needed. Worship for me is a private thing and not something I want to do or am comfortable with doing publicly or in a group setting. What felt right for me is the role of a sole practitioner, developing and maintaining rituals and rites on my own, dedicated to the god/desses that spoke to me. So I worship, but it's my no means formal. It's what works for me, but it's by no means the only path.
2) Polyamory
Note: the Firefox spellchecker does not have polyamory in it, and suggests polyandry instead. Hmph. Bisexual girl is not amused.
Once upon a time, a dear friend commented to me as I was embarking upon yet another monogamous relationship "A leopard can't change her spots." He knew what I hadn't accepted yet - monogamy doesn't work for me. It works very well for some people, but I am not one of those. Maybe I have too much love in my heart for just one person, maybe I have too many kinks to expect one person to satisfy, maybe I get bored to easily and having multiple partners keeps me entertained, or maybe I just need to be a special snowflake. Maybe all of the above have some degree of truth to them.
I have been monogamous in the past. Some of those relationships were excellent. Whether or not they were successful depends upon your definition of success. Since actively deciding that a poly relationship model was what I actually wanted and needed in my life, I've had to adjust a lot of my thinking. I've had to do a lot of soul searching, communicating, learning to communicate better, express my needs vs. my wants, negotiate, give, take, set boundaries. It's been hard.
It's been worth it.
There is no simple answer to "what poly means to me", but at least one of the things it means is the ability to let every relationship I have be what it needs to be. If it is "just friends" then it can be that. If it is "friends with lots of sexual tension" it can be that. If it is "intense and passionate then fades to friendship" it can be that. Because I'm not limited to "OMG is this The One?" I don't have to push. I don't have to question. I don't have to analyze until the fun is gone. I can be more in the moment than I ever have been able to be. I can accept what is without wondering what might be/could be/should be/can't be. It's caused a pretty fundamental perception shift that overall leaves me healthier and enables me to maintain healthier relationships.
I've had friends refer others to me or to my journal as an "example of successful poly". I've had friends comment that my relationships delight them because we demonstrate that yes, it can work. I never fail to be astonished hearing this - I didn't set out to be a role model. I just wanted to live and love as came naturally. On the other hand, I have the privilege to love and be loved by some truly amazing people, so I guess I must be doing *something* right.
3) Pop Culture
Seeing this, I can't help but giggle. I'm fairly sure that I'm behind the times as far as Pop Culture goes, however, I will own up to being an 80's Pop Culture fiend.
Random movie/tv/game/book/song quotes will pop out of my mouth at any given time, however, as I get older, and as the TV that I watched grows more distant (pretty much all the TV series I watch now are netflixed) the more disconnected I feel from the pop culture I used to embrace. Even now, watching something I used to love, i feel distanced from it because I don't identify with much of it anymore. (Being fat,poly, pagan, and bisexual will do that, I guess.) I don't watch Survivor (is that even still on?), America's Next Top Model, Dancing With The Stars, or anything like that. I didn't know who Clay Aiken was or why I cared that he was gay.
So while I was once a pop culture geek, I think I've lost those roots. Or maybe I have new ones that I'm not seeing - that is entirely likely, actually.
4) Plays
I have stubs and stubs and stubs and stubs from tickets for plays that Peter and I have seen over the course of our relationship. He's willing to go see anything as long as it's on stage. I'm *slightly* more discerning. (Do not EVER make me watch another production of Camelot, please. Thank you.) Musicals? Love 'em. Comedies? Adore 'em. Shakespeare? Bring it. Two-man pieces performed over two and a half hours with no intermission in a tiny theater in Ashland, Oregon? Yes please. (Top Dog/Underdog is one of the most amazing plays I've ever seen.) Farces? I'll bring my parasol.
That said, there aren't many that I will see any time I can find a production of it. There are some - Picasso at the Lapin Agile, for example. Most I'll see two or three times on stage before I decide I'm done with it, unless it's a particularly interesting interpretation. (Othello with the lead played by a black bull dyke? *FANTASTIC*)
I love live theater because there's just something about being in a building with people performing, especially a small venue, that brings a level of intimacy that movies and TV can't match. Even if the audience is silent, we're still participating, helping generate that energy, helping feed the performance in a way that I find incredibly entrancing. I feel like the people are more *real*, more *present* and I end up caring more about the characters when they're close enough to touch.
There's also my theater background coming in to play here - I spent all four years of High School in Drama, acting various scenes from various pieces. I was in a few plays, adapted and produced and directed a play myself, and watched almost all of the school sponsored productions. I miss it, and supporting local theater gives me a way to be a part of it again.
5) Peter
This is a nice segue into another post I've been meaning to write anyway. The short answer to "Peter" is: He's my husband. It's a deceptively simple statement, really.
We aren't legally married, though we had a religious ceremony and a party and in the ways that are important to us we are. When we first talked about getting married, he said he didn't want to get legally married until all of our friends can. I agree and so we did something that is marriage to us, even if it isn't in the eyes of the law.
He is my partner. He's my best friend, confidante, movie date, knock around buddy, trusted source for book and movie reviews. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me sing. He's one of the few people on this planet that I can live with. He's one of the few people on this planet that extended time with doesn't make me want to hurt them. He doesn't drain this introvert of energy.
At the beginning of our relationship - the first I started intentionally poly, there were things said that ended up causing me a lot of insecurity around our relationship. My insecurities cause a LOT of issues. They took a lot of work on both our parts to get through. I spent a lot of time being frustrated at me because I wasn't the poly person I wanted to be. I couldn't feel compersion when he'd find someone interesting because I was scared. I could feel that way for all my sweeties, but not Peter. We met amanda_lodden and both started dating her. This helped a great deal (Thank you Amanda!) as there were a number of things about the relationship that were "safe" and "ok". We grew. I got better. Now, Peter has A Girl (who is AWESOME, for the record) and I feel nothing but joy. I hang out with them, I give her hugs and kisses, I've tried to ensure that she knows that she's welcome in our home and both of our lives. I've tried to be clear that she isn't just "That Girl What Dates My Husband" to me, but that I value her for herself. That I support their relationship. And being in this place, at last, is more amazing and wonderful than I could have hoped for.
The NRE has worn off of our relationship, and what's left is this solid, stable, strong, comforting source of near constant happiness. Our vows were to stay together as long as we both wished to do so - I hope that we continue to want to walk the same path for a long long time.
1) Paganism
I self identify religiously as a pagan, if only because it's a loose enough catch-all one word answer that I feel comfy using it in situations where I'm fairly sure the person asking doesn't actually want a verbal essay on the subject.
I was a Baptist until the age of 11, at which point I examined the church I was attending and realized that so many things I had been taught were deeply hypocritical and I just couldn't force myself to go any longer. From that point forward, with my parent's encouragement, I experimented. I went to Mormon church camp and attended several Sunday services. I talked to people I knew about their faiths and asked questions - Judaism, Buddhism, Taoism, Catholicism, various flavours from the neo-pagan movement. I read. I questioned. I thought. I pondered.
The one thing I didn't do was listen. That took a lot longer. Once I listened to my heart, I figured out that there wasn't an organized religion of any stripe that could give me what I needed. Worship for me is a private thing and not something I want to do or am comfortable with doing publicly or in a group setting. What felt right for me is the role of a sole practitioner, developing and maintaining rituals and rites on my own, dedicated to the god/desses that spoke to me. So I worship, but it's my no means formal. It's what works for me, but it's by no means the only path.
2) Polyamory
Note: the Firefox spellchecker does not have polyamory in it, and suggests polyandry instead. Hmph. Bisexual girl is not amused.
Once upon a time, a dear friend commented to me as I was embarking upon yet another monogamous relationship "A leopard can't change her spots." He knew what I hadn't accepted yet - monogamy doesn't work for me. It works very well for some people, but I am not one of those. Maybe I have too much love in my heart for just one person, maybe I have too many kinks to expect one person to satisfy, maybe I get bored to easily and having multiple partners keeps me entertained, or maybe I just need to be a special snowflake. Maybe all of the above have some degree of truth to them.
I have been monogamous in the past. Some of those relationships were excellent. Whether or not they were successful depends upon your definition of success. Since actively deciding that a poly relationship model was what I actually wanted and needed in my life, I've had to adjust a lot of my thinking. I've had to do a lot of soul searching, communicating, learning to communicate better, express my needs vs. my wants, negotiate, give, take, set boundaries. It's been hard.
It's been worth it.
There is no simple answer to "what poly means to me", but at least one of the things it means is the ability to let every relationship I have be what it needs to be. If it is "just friends" then it can be that. If it is "friends with lots of sexual tension" it can be that. If it is "intense and passionate then fades to friendship" it can be that. Because I'm not limited to "OMG is this The One?" I don't have to push. I don't have to question. I don't have to analyze until the fun is gone. I can be more in the moment than I ever have been able to be. I can accept what is without wondering what might be/could be/should be/can't be. It's caused a pretty fundamental perception shift that overall leaves me healthier and enables me to maintain healthier relationships.
I've had friends refer others to me or to my journal as an "example of successful poly". I've had friends comment that my relationships delight them because we demonstrate that yes, it can work. I never fail to be astonished hearing this - I didn't set out to be a role model. I just wanted to live and love as came naturally. On the other hand, I have the privilege to love and be loved by some truly amazing people, so I guess I must be doing *something* right.
3) Pop Culture
Seeing this, I can't help but giggle. I'm fairly sure that I'm behind the times as far as Pop Culture goes, however, I will own up to being an 80's Pop Culture fiend.
Random movie/tv/game/book/song quotes will pop out of my mouth at any given time, however, as I get older, and as the TV that I watched grows more distant (pretty much all the TV series I watch now are netflixed) the more disconnected I feel from the pop culture I used to embrace. Even now, watching something I used to love, i feel distanced from it because I don't identify with much of it anymore. (Being fat,poly, pagan, and bisexual will do that, I guess.) I don't watch Survivor (is that even still on?), America's Next Top Model, Dancing With The Stars, or anything like that. I didn't know who Clay Aiken was or why I cared that he was gay.
So while I was once a pop culture geek, I think I've lost those roots. Or maybe I have new ones that I'm not seeing - that is entirely likely, actually.
4) Plays
I have stubs and stubs and stubs and stubs from tickets for plays that Peter and I have seen over the course of our relationship. He's willing to go see anything as long as it's on stage. I'm *slightly* more discerning. (Do not EVER make me watch another production of Camelot, please. Thank you.) Musicals? Love 'em. Comedies? Adore 'em. Shakespeare? Bring it. Two-man pieces performed over two and a half hours with no intermission in a tiny theater in Ashland, Oregon? Yes please. (Top Dog/Underdog is one of the most amazing plays I've ever seen.) Farces? I'll bring my parasol.
That said, there aren't many that I will see any time I can find a production of it. There are some - Picasso at the Lapin Agile, for example. Most I'll see two or three times on stage before I decide I'm done with it, unless it's a particularly interesting interpretation. (Othello with the lead played by a black bull dyke? *FANTASTIC*)
I love live theater because there's just something about being in a building with people performing, especially a small venue, that brings a level of intimacy that movies and TV can't match. Even if the audience is silent, we're still participating, helping generate that energy, helping feed the performance in a way that I find incredibly entrancing. I feel like the people are more *real*, more *present* and I end up caring more about the characters when they're close enough to touch.
There's also my theater background coming in to play here - I spent all four years of High School in Drama, acting various scenes from various pieces. I was in a few plays, adapted and produced and directed a play myself, and watched almost all of the school sponsored productions. I miss it, and supporting local theater gives me a way to be a part of it again.
5) Peter
This is a nice segue into another post I've been meaning to write anyway. The short answer to "Peter" is: He's my husband. It's a deceptively simple statement, really.
We aren't legally married, though we had a religious ceremony and a party and in the ways that are important to us we are. When we first talked about getting married, he said he didn't want to get legally married until all of our friends can. I agree and so we did something that is marriage to us, even if it isn't in the eyes of the law.
He is my partner. He's my best friend, confidante, movie date, knock around buddy, trusted source for book and movie reviews. He makes me laugh, he makes me cry, he makes me sing. He's one of the few people on this planet that I can live with. He's one of the few people on this planet that extended time with doesn't make me want to hurt them. He doesn't drain this introvert of energy.
At the beginning of our relationship - the first I started intentionally poly, there were things said that ended up causing me a lot of insecurity around our relationship. My insecurities cause a LOT of issues. They took a lot of work on both our parts to get through. I spent a lot of time being frustrated at me because I wasn't the poly person I wanted to be. I couldn't feel compersion when he'd find someone interesting because I was scared. I could feel that way for all my sweeties, but not Peter. We met amanda_lodden and both started dating her. This helped a great deal (Thank you Amanda!) as there were a number of things about the relationship that were "safe" and "ok". We grew. I got better. Now, Peter has A Girl (who is AWESOME, for the record) and I feel nothing but joy. I hang out with them, I give her hugs and kisses, I've tried to ensure that she knows that she's welcome in our home and both of our lives. I've tried to be clear that she isn't just "That Girl What Dates My Husband" to me, but that I value her for herself. That I support their relationship. And being in this place, at last, is more amazing and wonderful than I could have hoped for.
The NRE has worn off of our relationship, and what's left is this solid, stable, strong, comforting source of near constant happiness. Our vows were to stay together as long as we both wished to do so - I hope that we continue to want to walk the same path for a long long time.