Nov. 18th 2003
At times I think I'm just a little insane and I asked someone the other day if they think I am indeed, crazy. 'Crazy people never admit it'. Well, I know crazy people but they aren't mentally crazy just weird and off and that is entirely lovable but sometimes I have the most random thoughts and I blurt out the weirdest things and all these people that I find to be so crazy look at me like I'm crazy- I am the okay one here!
I have all these ideas and thoughts running through my head but no way of verbalizing them. Maybe I just need to work on my non-pleasant social skills and get all of this shit out because it should be shared right? I like it. I took a brain profile type of quiz that breaks down your brain as much as possible. It said that I survive on my own internal dialogue. I don't know if it's what I survive on but at times it's all I have and most of the time I don't have the urge to share it like I do right now. I am a fantastic conversationalist when I'm the only one giving myself any feedback. When I'm out, sitting somewhere listening to people talk about absolute crap; I want to scream out some crazy shit but then they will think that I have tourretts (I really did try to look up the correct spelling but it took too long so fuck it) or multiple personalities and I am not above caring about others perception of me, not yet. I can't help it; I'm a random person. My thoughts are almost always incomplete and I jump around too quickly. I tell others: just say it, who cares what they think, be yourself. I am the best bullshitter. 'You have such good advice.' 'You are so easy to talk to.' I feel like telling them my advice is all from a book and I'm only easy to talk to because I shut my mouth to keep you close and people just love that, it's amazing. If you ever actually give real advice, something you know they don't want to hear they distance themselves from you because it's really very easy to find someone else who will tell you exactly what you want to hear.
Other times I'm the complete opposite and outspoken and have strong opinions that I can back up. And sometimes what I say should be taken into consideration. Really, I'm fed up at this jumping game that I play. I'm looking for some consistencies and making myself more thought out. Even here, I just type out anything, crap, leakage. I don't bother to save it or work on it or make it more readable. I do a half ass job and tell myself that I don't care so that I don't have to do it again, it works. I'm not so un-aware of my little plans. I'm too aware most of the time and that's the worst part. If I were clueless and content then at least I'd have something to blame for the time I waste but with being aware I have nothing to blame. I just love dissecting myself for your viewing pleasure.
I have all these ideas and thoughts running through my head but no way of verbalizing them. Maybe I just need to work on my non-pleasant social skills and get all of this shit out because it should be shared right? I like it. I took a brain profile type of quiz that breaks down your brain as much as possible. It said that I survive on my own internal dialogue. I don't know if it's what I survive on but at times it's all I have and most of the time I don't have the urge to share it like I do right now. I am a fantastic conversationalist when I'm the only one giving myself any feedback. When I'm out, sitting somewhere listening to people talk about absolute crap; I want to scream out some crazy shit but then they will think that I have tourretts (I really did try to look up the correct spelling but it took too long so fuck it) or multiple personalities and I am not above caring about others perception of me, not yet. I can't help it; I'm a random person. My thoughts are almost always incomplete and I jump around too quickly. I tell others: just say it, who cares what they think, be yourself. I am the best bullshitter. 'You have such good advice.' 'You are so easy to talk to.' I feel like telling them my advice is all from a book and I'm only easy to talk to because I shut my mouth to keep you close and people just love that, it's amazing. If you ever actually give real advice, something you know they don't want to hear they distance themselves from you because it's really very easy to find someone else who will tell you exactly what you want to hear.
Other times I'm the complete opposite and outspoken and have strong opinions that I can back up. And sometimes what I say should be taken into consideration. Really, I'm fed up at this jumping game that I play. I'm looking for some consistencies and making myself more thought out. Even here, I just type out anything, crap, leakage. I don't bother to save it or work on it or make it more readable. I do a half ass job and tell myself that I don't care so that I don't have to do it again, it works. I'm not so un-aware of my little plans. I'm too aware most of the time and that's the worst part. If I were clueless and content then at least I'd have something to blame for the time I waste but with being aware I have nothing to blame. I just love dissecting myself for your viewing pleasure.