First Rule, Don't Talk: Nick + Bucky: for iced_soldier

[pushmefirst]

He hadn't slept well since he came here.. but then Nick was a veteran at functioning on minimal hours. His body was the type that just couldn't wind down completely; something always keeping him up, alert and tense. So, for him to actually drift to warm conciousness and the smell of roasted coffee beans grinding in a filter? He thought he was

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[iced_soldier]

Bucky's voice rose as he continued angrily. "Some reassurance from you would be nice. Some confirmation that I'm not just making a fool of myself with this. Cause I can't read your freakin' mind and you're sure as hell not helpin' with the whole feelin' stupid thing. I've got no idea what's going on in your head right now or how you feel about what happened or if you regret anything."

[pushmefirst]

Well - that was enough to surprise him, and unfortunately raise his hackles.

"I don't know what you want!" he retorted quickly, eyes narrowing. He wasn't the only one who couldn't read minds here! Nick brushed both hands up through his hair, fingers raking as he calms enough to speak quieter, lower. "Look. I'm shit at this anyway without -- I would have gotten there eventually."

He just needed some damn space - not feeling stupid for hoping maybe, himself! Darkened blue eyes meet his sternly as he adds, "does what I feel matter all that much? Is it gonna change what you tell me?"

In short: he needed to know what he meant, exactly, before he could answer.

"Why don't you carry on the honesty first..." A short breath. "Maybe you need it, well as me..."

[iced_soldier]

His eyes narrowed. "And when would you have gotten there, hmm? Probably at the worst time possible."

Nick's questions had a frustrated noise coming out of the smaller man. "Yes, it matters what you think!" How could Nick not have known that?

[pushmefirst]

"Okay.. so let's count this off again." He glares at him pointedly, laying himself out into the open here - nowhere near as much as he did, because yeah.. he still didn't feel like he could. He was so closed off, had been all his life. But if that was what he needed.. he figured he owed it now. "I stopped you from just leavin' without me - told you I want you, oh, and I slept the whole night. I shouldn't need to tell you I never do that." But I am. Because...

He let out a long, slow breath... tired already. It was always exhausting even having a conversation because they clashed so much. Nick met his gaze directly - figuring even this might not cut it, so.

"What you did... I didn't think you could ever do." Not seriously, not like that - looking like that. "So.. how I feel? It's... even more complicated now." Emotionally so. And he didn't know how to deal with that.

Fuck. He better have understood - he wasn't sure how else to put it without spelling it out more.

[iced_soldier]

He was quiet a long moment, processing what was said, before he replied quietly. "Didn't think I could do it, either." He looked back at the other man with a small quirk of his lip. He knew what Nick was referring to, and couldn't deny feeling the same. "'m not used to letting myself be vulnerable like that. Which is probably why I'm so freaked out about it now."

He probably wasn't making a whole lot of sense, but the fact of the matter was that no matter how much each man was revealing, they were both still dancing around the most important questions. Questions he wasn't even sure he could ask, much less answer. So instead, he stuck to the simpler things. The things he knew he had an answer for.

“You say your feelings are complicated. They’re complicated how?”

[pushmefirst]

He looked away before he answered, not quite ready to be this direct. Not fully, anyway. "'Cause I keep expecting you to go 'Psych!'... an' I know, alright?" He sighs. "I know that makes me sound..."

-- Like the cynical guy he was. But Bucky hadn't exactly given him much in the way of clues; Nick just wouldn't have interpretted his teasing in that way. Plus -

"Or, worse.. you deciding that it's just the physical shit after all. That 'm just.. some substitute."

Yeah, he knows. Back to that again. But he couldn't help it stayed on his mind, especially now.

[iced_soldier]

Nick’s first answer stung more than Bucky expected it to. “From the very beginning, I’ve made it no secret what I want. I just don’t know when you started wanting it back.” He paused. “Or why you gave such little resistance in the end. Why, after months of fighting me with everything you had, and disliking me so much-after you must have known I was attracted to you, but gave no signs of being attracted to me…why you just came so easily In the end. I’ve been on edge ever since then, trying to figure you out, but unable to. Wondering when you would try to betray me.”

As to the other thing Nick said, well. Bucky didn’t even know how to respond to it. He’d already told the man so many times that he wasn’t a substitute. The thing was that even after last night, even after they’d shared a bed, he still wasn’t sure of the answer himself. He knew he wanted the man; the question was why?

[pushmefirst]

He finds he only has one thing to say to that, softly, regreattably - "I didn't know you meant it. Don't you get that? You -" He shook his head, looking up once more, agitated. "You were always so easy about it.. casual and shit."

Only now was Nick getting a small inkling that might not be the case, that like he felt pushing him away and keeping firm - it might have taken just as much out of the guy to keep going.

He didn't want to think about that - someone wanting that much, even without putting caring that much into the damn equation. He didn't believe in it

[iced_soldier]

“No, I didn’t get that. It’s a defense mechanism, dammit, joking about shit so I can pretend it isn’t serious. I didn’t know any other way.” It had become a way to hide the pain of rejection, to convince himself and Nick that he wasn’t too serious about it so it’d seem like no big deal when he did get rejected. But, in the end, it had hurt each time Nick pushed away. Turning it into a game didn’t do a damn thing, except apparently convince Nick he wasn’t really attracted to him.

However, he felt his own lips curl upwards when he heard Nick call him by name. He couldn’t recall the man having done that before. “I don’t know. Where would you like to stand? Cause I’d kinda like to stand right here.” He closed the distance between them, resting tentative hands on Nick’s hips.

[pushmefirst]

Well, of course it was - how stupid of him. If Nick wasn't so damn tense from the round of confessions,waiting for what came next? He probably would have snapped at him, again.

"Heh..." He supposed he should have expected that - the difference now was he could only feel relief. Because he was acting, well.. normal again. He didn't move back from the touch, the tentativeness irking him enough he wanted to press forward, see if he could get that part of him back, too. So he does. His hand returning to press the side of his face and neck. "Can do that."

For now, he meant - they could do this. Whatever. He didn't need a plan, a future here. He worked best when he didn't know what would come - kept him on his toes. Bucky certainly was good at that even without all this.

[iced_soldier]

Bucky was going to be tentative for a while, plain and simple. Until he felt more secure in this, and less vulnerable. Just as trust went both ways, their distrust went both ways.

Still, when Nick returned the intimacy, Bucky couldn't help his grin growing wider. He leaned in and. for the first time, the kiss he laid against Nick's lips was gentle.

[pushmefirst]

His smile grew a little, as he neared, sensing his intentions.. but all he was really thinking about was how he'd never seen him smile quite like that before. Nick parted his lips briefly, just pressing light as he returned the kiss, his hand against his neck curling in slow...

[iced_soldier]

He let the kiss linger a little bit longer before pulling out of it, another grin on his face. He nuzzled the man briefly before meeting his eyes, trying to gauge his reaction.

[pushmefirst]

Nick's brows raised slightly, but they weren't in a deprecating way. He just shook his head slightly, glancing between them - the unfamiliar feeling he wasn't going to admit was his own shyness lifting between them. He was still... nervous about this. Worried.

But he gussed time would tell the seriousness. If Bucky gave him an inch, he'd give one. It could work - if they didn't have so many secrets.

[iced_soldier]

That reaction wasn't exactly what he'd hoped for, but he couldn't say he blamed him. He knew Nick was feeling the same unease he was.

It was then that he remembered their forgotten eggs. With a laugh, he pulled away. "C'mon. We've still gotta eat breakfast."

[pushmefirst]

"Mmhm.. probably cold by now." He commented, looking up as he pulled back, taking a step forward, disorientated by it. He hoped he didn't notice as he covered it up by moving around him, his hip grazing by his arm by accident as he stooped for the plate. "What do you say? Start over while you pile over the coffee?"