maybe i should use this again.
i mean just "maybe" not like for sure or anything.
i tried using blogspot for a while and even though i am sure that is less lurkable or more, now i'm not quite sure. anyways, i was using blogspot - it didn't feel the same as livejournal. so, i tried handwriting my thoughts - that didn't work either. i felt like i was misspelling words, which led to corrections, which then led to me not wanting to write at all - as well as disliking my very own handwriting, finding in illegible to myself i suppose. that is what is sooo nice about writing my thoughts out by typing, no spelling errors - no dislike of how it looks (and if so, i can change the font to my liking).
so, i read a couple of my past entries in this journal - some are quite embarrassing. like how i cared that people changed for the worst. i'm kind of over it now, if someone chooses to take a path different than mine: "cool. see you later, have a good life and be happy with whatever you are doing." of course, it still sucks - to lose a "friend." i have amazing friends now, the few that i do have. and i do mean a "few." maybe just a handful or so, but better than having friends i knew did not care for me and that i cared for a whole lot. i guess. i still do not count on them to be there for me when i need them, whenever that time comes. (and i'll probably only do so when my family is not reachable or a subject i don't want to bring them in on in my life.) regardless of how i feel about depending on other people, besides family: i hope they always know i will be there for them and love them, unconditionally.
i've grown very comfortable with the fact that i could possibly spend the rest of my life by myself. my goal by my twenty-second birthday is to use that "birthday celebration at disney for free on your birthday!" (wow, i just typed birthday three times) to prove to myself that i can go to disney alone and enjoy it just as much. (if i am not, then next year or maybe not even on a birthday at all. one day i will conquer disney alone.) AS I AM SURE. i will still be alone by my birthday. i always seem to be. i thought it would be different last year, but no. the guy i was seeing and had planned to spend my birthday with - left my life a couple weeks before or maybe even a month before. i have never felt strung along in a relationship like i did with him. it was horrible, knowing that you can't really get over someone because the second you do - they want you back. isn't that how it is though? everyone wants what they cannot have.
cats still r00l my world.
NEVER GIVE UP ON THEM. EVER.