Gone to the Movies
So the new plaything is coming up weekend after this one. Fantastic. I'm excited, I can't be anything BUT excited. And I'm full of all that wonderful anxiousness and nervousness and anticipation that I was last time. Are we going to have a great time together again? Definitely. Going to fool around? Without a doubt. It seems like everything's going to go off without a hitch.
Except there's Zac.
Oh, sure, I talk a big game...I always do. But unlike him, I don't have the power to wake up one morning and forget I've been in love with someone for over a year. Try as I might, I'd be a liar if I said it wasn't hard to forget my love for him. According to my mom, it's natural not to be able to forget him so easily, but he'll only be on my mind and in my heart until the moment I love someone else, hell, the moment I find someone else who piques my interest at all. At least that's what she says.
Well, here I am, interest piqued. Not in love, surely not, not even close, but my interest is certainly piqued. My interest is piqued all over the place; as always, it only took a week of being single for all those other lovely options to start crawling out of the woodwork and making themselves known to me again. I don't want to be that girl who's always in a relationship, though, hopping from one to the next without giving herself any time for growth and reflection. I've always been that girl; I don't want to be that girl. I want to stop trying to pick up where I left off and enjoy being young for a change. I want to go on dates, I want to flirt, I want to enjoy the single life, I want to have time for myself and for my friends and family for a change, I want to be a whole person the next time I decide it's time to get serious with someone, not just a portion of someone looking for another person to complete them. Unfortunately, thus far, it's been so difficult to do that without Zac in the back of my mind.
I shouldn't love him. I never should have, if I had had the foresight to know what was ahead of me, and I shouldn't still, in the aftermath of our relationship. That doesn't change the fact that I do. It's a vicious cycle for me; I need to get on with my life and start having fun again, but to do that, I need to get him out of my mind, which I can only do by going out and having fun, but I can't do that with him filling my thoughts the way he does.
While I've had no problem with flirtation (when have you ever known me to have a problem flirting?), entertaining advances from several sources and exchanging ifs and whens, my weekend visitor is probably the best example. Yes, we've been to bed together. No, I don't regret it. Yes, I enjoyed myself. No, not without a mental struggle. Trust me, my body wasted no time warming up to his touch or all the beautiful perversions he shared with me. Nor did we waste any time once we got in the door to his place; I pounced on him like a lioness on a gazelle with little time for him to argue and at first glance, you would have no idea that my heart was crying out for anything but him. But arousal soon gave way to reality. His tongue on me, his lips, I should have enjoyed them more, but I couldn't make myself. He did everything right, he did everything with amazing precision and talent, but it was so foreign I couldn't force myself to give into it. I lay there, acting the part of the satisfied playtoy; inside, my mind was in a riot because this wasn't what I was used to, what I was expecting...this wasn't how Zac did this...these weren't his tricks, his abilities, this wasn't his style...this wasn't Zac. True, I stopped him abruptly after more time than one would let pass if they felt no pleasure from the act. True, I begged to have him inside of me, and it's true that it was because I wanted to feel him there right that second. But there was a part of me that would not have it if it weren't from Zac, and could not cope because there was simply no way to make it so.
Several times throughout the course of our daliance, I caught my mind screaming no and begging for him to be the person that I had grown accustomed to; my mouth kept giving him soft moans and growls, my body kept giving him encouragement. I never would have told him to stop. I wanted it. I needed it. I begged for it. I was the last person who would have told him, "No." It wasn't just "it" I was wanting and needing and begging for, it was him. I'm in no way using him to replace or help me ignore Zac; on the contrary, I can't begin to tell you how fascinated I am with him, how happy I am that I'm spending time with him, specifically, and not just anybody. I would not have responded the way I did to anyone but him right now, I know that. Yet I'm still aware that, according to Mom, the more I focus on someone else, the more of a blur Zac will become. But there, in the dark, in his bed, tangled in his sweaty sheets, tangled in his limbs, pressed to him, writhing in all our hedonistic glory, Zac was so much more crystal clear than he should have been.
I miss him. I still love him. God only knows why, but I still want him back. And I'm such a goddamn fool.
"GONE TO THE MOVIES" by Semisonic
Now the rain comes down the windows
And it drops onto the forehead of the waiting boy
He surveys his rental kingdom
And he wonders if he's really lost his one joy
Another fool would go down
To the only place she ever went to lose herself
She's gone to the movies now
And she don't need your help
Now the rain turns into snowfall
As the city sky reflects the silver street below
And it covers up the cars
And the Wallflowers CD ended half an hour ago
Another fool would dig the broken car out from the snow
And drive to find the show
She's gone to the movies now
And she's not coming home
She's gone to the movies now
And she's not coming home
Now he looks around his place
And anyways there's nowhere she could sit besides the bed
And he wonders if the car will start tomorrow
Or he'll have to take the bus instead
Any other fool would be out on the roadway
Trying to spot her rusted Pontiac
She's gone to the movies now
And she's not coming back
She's gone to the movies now
And she's not coming back
Except there's Zac.
Oh, sure, I talk a big game...I always do. But unlike him, I don't have the power to wake up one morning and forget I've been in love with someone for over a year. Try as I might, I'd be a liar if I said it wasn't hard to forget my love for him. According to my mom, it's natural not to be able to forget him so easily, but he'll only be on my mind and in my heart until the moment I love someone else, hell, the moment I find someone else who piques my interest at all. At least that's what she says.
Well, here I am, interest piqued. Not in love, surely not, not even close, but my interest is certainly piqued. My interest is piqued all over the place; as always, it only took a week of being single for all those other lovely options to start crawling out of the woodwork and making themselves known to me again. I don't want to be that girl who's always in a relationship, though, hopping from one to the next without giving herself any time for growth and reflection. I've always been that girl; I don't want to be that girl. I want to stop trying to pick up where I left off and enjoy being young for a change. I want to go on dates, I want to flirt, I want to enjoy the single life, I want to have time for myself and for my friends and family for a change, I want to be a whole person the next time I decide it's time to get serious with someone, not just a portion of someone looking for another person to complete them. Unfortunately, thus far, it's been so difficult to do that without Zac in the back of my mind.
I shouldn't love him. I never should have, if I had had the foresight to know what was ahead of me, and I shouldn't still, in the aftermath of our relationship. That doesn't change the fact that I do. It's a vicious cycle for me; I need to get on with my life and start having fun again, but to do that, I need to get him out of my mind, which I can only do by going out and having fun, but I can't do that with him filling my thoughts the way he does.
While I've had no problem with flirtation (when have you ever known me to have a problem flirting?), entertaining advances from several sources and exchanging ifs and whens, my weekend visitor is probably the best example. Yes, we've been to bed together. No, I don't regret it. Yes, I enjoyed myself. No, not without a mental struggle. Trust me, my body wasted no time warming up to his touch or all the beautiful perversions he shared with me. Nor did we waste any time once we got in the door to his place; I pounced on him like a lioness on a gazelle with little time for him to argue and at first glance, you would have no idea that my heart was crying out for anything but him. But arousal soon gave way to reality. His tongue on me, his lips, I should have enjoyed them more, but I couldn't make myself. He did everything right, he did everything with amazing precision and talent, but it was so foreign I couldn't force myself to give into it. I lay there, acting the part of the satisfied playtoy; inside, my mind was in a riot because this wasn't what I was used to, what I was expecting...this wasn't how Zac did this...these weren't his tricks, his abilities, this wasn't his style...this wasn't Zac. True, I stopped him abruptly after more time than one would let pass if they felt no pleasure from the act. True, I begged to have him inside of me, and it's true that it was because I wanted to feel him there right that second. But there was a part of me that would not have it if it weren't from Zac, and could not cope because there was simply no way to make it so.
Several times throughout the course of our daliance, I caught my mind screaming no and begging for him to be the person that I had grown accustomed to; my mouth kept giving him soft moans and growls, my body kept giving him encouragement. I never would have told him to stop. I wanted it. I needed it. I begged for it. I was the last person who would have told him, "No." It wasn't just "it" I was wanting and needing and begging for, it was him. I'm in no way using him to replace or help me ignore Zac; on the contrary, I can't begin to tell you how fascinated I am with him, how happy I am that I'm spending time with him, specifically, and not just anybody. I would not have responded the way I did to anyone but him right now, I know that. Yet I'm still aware that, according to Mom, the more I focus on someone else, the more of a blur Zac will become. But there, in the dark, in his bed, tangled in his sweaty sheets, tangled in his limbs, pressed to him, writhing in all our hedonistic glory, Zac was so much more crystal clear than he should have been.
I miss him. I still love him. God only knows why, but I still want him back. And I'm such a goddamn fool.
"GONE TO THE MOVIES" by Semisonic
Now the rain comes down the windows
And it drops onto the forehead of the waiting boy
He surveys his rental kingdom
And he wonders if he's really lost his one joy
Another fool would go down
To the only place she ever went to lose herself
She's gone to the movies now
And she don't need your help
Now the rain turns into snowfall
As the city sky reflects the silver street below
And it covers up the cars
And the Wallflowers CD ended half an hour ago
Another fool would dig the broken car out from the snow
And drive to find the show
She's gone to the movies now
And she's not coming home
She's gone to the movies now
And she's not coming home
Now he looks around his place
And anyways there's nowhere she could sit besides the bed
And he wonders if the car will start tomorrow
Or he'll have to take the bus instead
Any other fool would be out on the roadway
Trying to spot her rusted Pontiac
She's gone to the movies now
And she's not coming back
She's gone to the movies now
And she's not coming back