(no subject)
Every so often it occurs to me how glad I am that I've grown as a person since high school. Because, ugh. I was still learning to understand other people (still am -- who isn't? -- but at least I'm further along in the journey, now), and developing my own values and opinions, becoming an amalgamation of my parents' politics, my friends, my sometimes obnoxious siblings, wanting to be noticed (as one of four children). And yet, I had some wonderful friends and amazing friendships then.
Looking back, I imagine that maybe they only put up with me because I was fun back then? Or, boobs? It was high school, after all. Well, we all put up with each other and embraced each others' idiosyncrasies, or in some cases tried to help one another to understand the ways in which we sucked, but we were mostly very comfortable with each other, even if we didn't always see eye to eye. I remember feeling happy and secure in that friend group that I met and grew close to in middle school and high school, but knew mostly from outside of school. Like, weirdly confident. But I felt shy and outside of many high school social groups, even though I did like people. I think I was aloof, I pushed away people from my class and privileged the ones in my non-school social group, and I'm not sure why.
Maybe it was a mistake, foregoing new friendships there, because I couldn't stand high school, and although I had a couple of good friends, we weren't in a lot of the same classes. Not having that rich social life at school meant that when I was at school, I was longing for the sense of belonging that I had with my people -- friends at other high schools, or in college.
I think the reason I disliked high school was that I never had to try in elementary school. When I got to high school, it was finally challenging. And so many kids were over-achievers there -- all the popular kids, it seemed -- that I suddenly felt inferior in an area in which I'd never before felt that way. My idiotic teenage response, naturally, was simply to not try. If you're not trying that hard, it's not as tragic when you fail.
I love the friends I made during high school, and the experiences I had with them, even if making friends outside of school means I missed out on bonding with some of the people who I'd dismissed at school as being nice but boring, that I now see may be very interesting, and regret not knowing better.
My main regret is not enjoying school more, not doing more to educate myself, not getting the most of that experience while I had that privilege. My hope for my children is that they'll make the most of their childhood. They'll make wonderful friends and learn and try so many things, and read all of the books, and be loved and loving and open. I don't know how to teach that. It's the age-old problem: telling a kid they need to appreciate their childhood will never yield good results. They're usually not prepared to accept adult wisdom. So, I guess I need to keep trying to be better, for them, and to them. Not to spoil them, but to be a decent, kind, open, loving, empathetic person. To obliterate my own shyness, my bitterness and frustration, to make them see that this is a good way to be, to make them feel loved, to give them hope.
Looking back, I imagine that maybe they only put up with me because I was fun back then? Or, boobs? It was high school, after all. Well, we all put up with each other and embraced each others' idiosyncrasies, or in some cases tried to help one another to understand the ways in which we sucked, but we were mostly very comfortable with each other, even if we didn't always see eye to eye. I remember feeling happy and secure in that friend group that I met and grew close to in middle school and high school, but knew mostly from outside of school. Like, weirdly confident. But I felt shy and outside of many high school social groups, even though I did like people. I think I was aloof, I pushed away people from my class and privileged the ones in my non-school social group, and I'm not sure why.
Maybe it was a mistake, foregoing new friendships there, because I couldn't stand high school, and although I had a couple of good friends, we weren't in a lot of the same classes. Not having that rich social life at school meant that when I was at school, I was longing for the sense of belonging that I had with my people -- friends at other high schools, or in college.
I think the reason I disliked high school was that I never had to try in elementary school. When I got to high school, it was finally challenging. And so many kids were over-achievers there -- all the popular kids, it seemed -- that I suddenly felt inferior in an area in which I'd never before felt that way. My idiotic teenage response, naturally, was simply to not try. If you're not trying that hard, it's not as tragic when you fail.
I love the friends I made during high school, and the experiences I had with them, even if making friends outside of school means I missed out on bonding with some of the people who I'd dismissed at school as being nice but boring, that I now see may be very interesting, and regret not knowing better.
My main regret is not enjoying school more, not doing more to educate myself, not getting the most of that experience while I had that privilege. My hope for my children is that they'll make the most of their childhood. They'll make wonderful friends and learn and try so many things, and read all of the books, and be loved and loving and open. I don't know how to teach that. It's the age-old problem: telling a kid they need to appreciate their childhood will never yield good results. They're usually not prepared to accept adult wisdom. So, I guess I need to keep trying to be better, for them, and to them. Not to spoil them, but to be a decent, kind, open, loving, empathetic person. To obliterate my own shyness, my bitterness and frustration, to make them see that this is a good way to be, to make them feel loved, to give them hope.