Just rambling.
Firstly, I am only writing this because of Craig's post, as a sort of extended response and to contribute further to the discussion. I am also extremely bored at work.
When I read the line in Craig's post that says, "we're seniors in college," I almost had a heart attack. Of course, I've known that fact for many weeks now, and I've been looking forward to it for many months, but reading it, for some reason, is a whole different level of processing that information.
We are so old.
But at the same time, I don't feel old. Or rather, I don't want to feel old. The other day, while browsing Google News, like I do 10 times a day during my boring work day, there was an article about why we feel so old in our 20s, when were are actually younger than most people. I didn't read the full article, but the gist of it was this: In our 20s we are so eager and anxious to succeed, to prove ourselves, to get jobs, to earn a living, to get promoted, to have a ton of fun, to travel at the right time, and then to settle down with the loves of our lives and start families. All of that is supposed to happen in our 20s, according to conventional wisdom. But with all the pressure to do all of those things - most of which take years and years - makes us feel older than we are, because we feel like we are running out of time to accomplish all we want to accomplish.
So I'm trying to focus on the important part: having a ton of fun. Because tonight, we are young, so let's set the world of fire, we can burn brighter than the sun. LOL
It used to be that all I wanted to do was move to New York, find a job in fashion, and live a glamourous life making just enough money to spend on clothes and shoes and alcohol but not enough to start a retirement fund. But now, especially after this summer, where I do love my internship but find it boring, unrewarding, and not challenging enough, I find that all I want to do is travel. I'm not ready to get a real job. I thought I'd been ready for years, but I'm not. Jobs are boring. I don't want to be bored every day.
All I wanted to do was hurry up and graduate college so that I could move to New York. Live and breathe the polluted air.
But I changed my mind.
I'm going to graduate, and then fly to China. Or Singapore. Or France. I obviously haven't figured out how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to. I'll get a job teaching English or maybe at a Chinese fashion magazine (the NYTimes reports that fashion mags in China are blowing up) and make it work, and stay away from New York for at least a year. And then maybe I'll know what I want to do.
Back to present day.
I don't consider Nisky my home anymore. I was there for 3 weeks over winter break, and I'll never be there for more than a week ever again. But after next year, I won't consider Providence my home either. Weird.
Around this time in high school, at the beginning of senior year, I was freaking out over leaving everyone, saying goodbyes, and moving on with our lives. I made everyone I cared about promise me that we'd be friends until we were eighty, and we would always keep in touch. A year later, when everyone was leaving for college, we made a big deal out of saying extravagant, teary-eyed goodbyes to each and every one of our beloved friends. And while I definitely don't expect to be friends with everyone I loved from high school until we are all old and grey, I don't think those promises and our goodbyes were made in vain. All of those friends were important to me, and they still are. Even though we don't speak for more than a few minutes over facebook chat once a year, I still genuinely care about their lives and their wellbeing, and I like to stay updated on their lives. We may not be the closest friends anymore, but we still grew up together, and they and you all still occupy a significant part of me; I still feel the impact of my high school friends as we get farther away from it. Because really, you were my first real friends, you'll be the friends I keep the longest, just by virtue of having met me earlier than most.
God I feel like I'm writing my own eulogy or something. We're not dying! We're just getting older. And I do feel significantly older, even from just a year ago. Like Craig said, college has changed us all, and hopefully for the better. We are older, wiser, more mature, more openminded, better educated, intellectual adults. I had a thought in the subway this morning: I'm 21 now. There is nothing that I won't be able to do because of my age. I am a full-blown adult. What the fuck.
Of course, I'm still not financially independent. My parents pay for my tuition, my groceries, my expensive summers working unpaid in New York, and anything else I may need but can't afford to buy myself, with the money I make at my job at school. After I graduate, I won't ask my parents for any more money, but that doesn't mean I can't go back home and eat some free food and sleep for free and shower for free. I also will have students loans pay off, as well as money that I "borrowed" from my parents that I honestly will repay.
People tell us conflicting things about the friends we make. Mr. Monahan once told our class, when we were all talking excitedly about going to college, that the friends you make in high school are great, but it's the ones you meet in college that stay with you all your life. And then, I heard on the radio once that the friends you make after you leave your hometown are wonderful, but only your old friends you made while growing up can help you in times of crisis, so keep them close should you ever need them. And then there are times when my facebook feed shows photos of people who were friends in high school four years ago, still getting together regularly and looking like they're having the times of their lives together, even after years and miles of separation. There are also those people who maybe aren't as lucky as we are, depending on how you look at it, who don't have a single friend to call their own from high school, because they failed to keep in touch or were never true friends to begin with.
But who are all these people to tell us who our most important, most beloved friends are? There are people I've met in college that I'm sure will forever remain college friends - we will hardly think about each other after we graduate. There are people from high school that I keep in touch with more than others, and I'm sure that it's because although we have been apart for three years, we somehow grew closer together, and that's a sign, I'm positive. We'll never get back the group dynamic we had in high school, sitting in Craig's basement for house, doing nothing but keeping each other company, having a great time and making memories. But I still left high school with a handful of amazing friends, and I think I'll leave college the same way.
To wrap this up - because this is really ridiculously long and if you've read this far, you deserve a cupcake - I just want to point out something Craig said that I particularly liked: "But I don't really feel nostalgic- I am more intrigued, curious, embarrassed, humored, entertained." Because I often get "nostalgic," choosing to remember things I loved while in high school during times when I'm not loving where I am now, and I get sad. But like Craig continues in that paragraph, high school is over, we've grown up, I'm over it. I'm over nostalgia; I've moved on to intrigue, curiosity, embarrassment, humor, and entertainment.
When I read the line in Craig's post that says, "we're seniors in college," I almost had a heart attack. Of course, I've known that fact for many weeks now, and I've been looking forward to it for many months, but reading it, for some reason, is a whole different level of processing that information.
We are so old.
But at the same time, I don't feel old. Or rather, I don't want to feel old. The other day, while browsing Google News, like I do 10 times a day during my boring work day, there was an article about why we feel so old in our 20s, when were are actually younger than most people. I didn't read the full article, but the gist of it was this: In our 20s we are so eager and anxious to succeed, to prove ourselves, to get jobs, to earn a living, to get promoted, to have a ton of fun, to travel at the right time, and then to settle down with the loves of our lives and start families. All of that is supposed to happen in our 20s, according to conventional wisdom. But with all the pressure to do all of those things - most of which take years and years - makes us feel older than we are, because we feel like we are running out of time to accomplish all we want to accomplish.
So I'm trying to focus on the important part: having a ton of fun. Because tonight, we are young, so let's set the world of fire, we can burn brighter than the sun. LOL
It used to be that all I wanted to do was move to New York, find a job in fashion, and live a glamourous life making just enough money to spend on clothes and shoes and alcohol but not enough to start a retirement fund. But now, especially after this summer, where I do love my internship but find it boring, unrewarding, and not challenging enough, I find that all I want to do is travel. I'm not ready to get a real job. I thought I'd been ready for years, but I'm not. Jobs are boring. I don't want to be bored every day.
All I wanted to do was hurry up and graduate college so that I could move to New York. Live and breathe the polluted air.
But I changed my mind.
I'm going to graduate, and then fly to China. Or Singapore. Or France. I obviously haven't figured out how I'm going to do this, but I'm going to. I'll get a job teaching English or maybe at a Chinese fashion magazine (the NYTimes reports that fashion mags in China are blowing up) and make it work, and stay away from New York for at least a year. And then maybe I'll know what I want to do.
Back to present day.
I don't consider Nisky my home anymore. I was there for 3 weeks over winter break, and I'll never be there for more than a week ever again. But after next year, I won't consider Providence my home either. Weird.
Around this time in high school, at the beginning of senior year, I was freaking out over leaving everyone, saying goodbyes, and moving on with our lives. I made everyone I cared about promise me that we'd be friends until we were eighty, and we would always keep in touch. A year later, when everyone was leaving for college, we made a big deal out of saying extravagant, teary-eyed goodbyes to each and every one of our beloved friends. And while I definitely don't expect to be friends with everyone I loved from high school until we are all old and grey, I don't think those promises and our goodbyes were made in vain. All of those friends were important to me, and they still are. Even though we don't speak for more than a few minutes over facebook chat once a year, I still genuinely care about their lives and their wellbeing, and I like to stay updated on their lives. We may not be the closest friends anymore, but we still grew up together, and they and you all still occupy a significant part of me; I still feel the impact of my high school friends as we get farther away from it. Because really, you were my first real friends, you'll be the friends I keep the longest, just by virtue of having met me earlier than most.
God I feel like I'm writing my own eulogy or something. We're not dying! We're just getting older. And I do feel significantly older, even from just a year ago. Like Craig said, college has changed us all, and hopefully for the better. We are older, wiser, more mature, more openminded, better educated, intellectual adults. I had a thought in the subway this morning: I'm 21 now. There is nothing that I won't be able to do because of my age. I am a full-blown adult. What the fuck.
Of course, I'm still not financially independent. My parents pay for my tuition, my groceries, my expensive summers working unpaid in New York, and anything else I may need but can't afford to buy myself, with the money I make at my job at school. After I graduate, I won't ask my parents for any more money, but that doesn't mean I can't go back home and eat some free food and sleep for free and shower for free. I also will have students loans pay off, as well as money that I "borrowed" from my parents that I honestly will repay.
People tell us conflicting things about the friends we make. Mr. Monahan once told our class, when we were all talking excitedly about going to college, that the friends you make in high school are great, but it's the ones you meet in college that stay with you all your life. And then, I heard on the radio once that the friends you make after you leave your hometown are wonderful, but only your old friends you made while growing up can help you in times of crisis, so keep them close should you ever need them. And then there are times when my facebook feed shows photos of people who were friends in high school four years ago, still getting together regularly and looking like they're having the times of their lives together, even after years and miles of separation. There are also those people who maybe aren't as lucky as we are, depending on how you look at it, who don't have a single friend to call their own from high school, because they failed to keep in touch or were never true friends to begin with.
But who are all these people to tell us who our most important, most beloved friends are? There are people I've met in college that I'm sure will forever remain college friends - we will hardly think about each other after we graduate. There are people from high school that I keep in touch with more than others, and I'm sure that it's because although we have been apart for three years, we somehow grew closer together, and that's a sign, I'm positive. We'll never get back the group dynamic we had in high school, sitting in Craig's basement for house, doing nothing but keeping each other company, having a great time and making memories. But I still left high school with a handful of amazing friends, and I think I'll leave college the same way.
To wrap this up - because this is really ridiculously long and if you've read this far, you deserve a cupcake - I just want to point out something Craig said that I particularly liked: "But I don't really feel nostalgic- I am more intrigued, curious, embarrassed, humored, entertained." Because I often get "nostalgic," choosing to remember things I loved while in high school during times when I'm not loving where I am now, and I get sad. But like Craig continues in that paragraph, high school is over, we've grown up, I'm over it. I'm over nostalgia; I've moved on to intrigue, curiosity, embarrassment, humor, and entertainment.