Soon, I will be 33
I hear 33 isn't a bad age to be, however, ever since I was about 21 I've looked like a fat Hunter Thompson. I smoke, I drink, I've been known to partake in the drug craze sacrament of our generation, as it's the only religion most of us can bear to believe in. I was raised Christian, was once an atheist and now consider myself agnostic. As I look back on the years past, I wonder if I ever knew where I was headed? I still don't truly know. I mean, I'm in school to be the antithesis of what I used to be. And while I can still remember all the great fun things I did, all the wonderful people I met along the way, I wonder, for the first time, if it was all worth the risks and the ponderings. I wonder if the build up to who I am now would have changed had I been stronger mentally, or physically. I walked across the country, and I remember telling Alan that I regretted nothing as it made me who I was at that moment. But now, now I regret not choosing a path until now. I've always been horrible with money and horrible with being the guy I always saw myself as, just out of reach of who I was. 33. Will this be a new and great year to be alive? A time that I'll stop looking at the past, the 'good old days' and start looking at the future I'm trying to set up for myself? The past 13 years have been a reflection of retirement at an early age. Does this then mean that my retirement will be spent remembering all the great friends and fun times I had, when I'm sitting in my wheel chair in the old folks home, wondering why I never saw my children? I'm one of the few remaining children left. When will I decide to grow up? Will it be this year? Will it be the next? When is the right time to put away childish things, accept responsibility and move on to the next step? Why am I afraid to grow up? Is it true, is fear truly the only thing worth being afraid?