(no subject)
I'm feeling aware of being isolated at the moment. The anxiety, the health issues, they're all hard stuff. The health issues especially.
I don't think I was even aware that less people are visiting Livejournal until I chatted to Lisa recently and found I needed to update her on so many of the key things I'd posted about here. I still check in daily or close to it, even if I'm not posting.
So then I thought everyone's on Facebook, everyone's still there for me. I rarely make status updates, certainly compared to many people I know. It's never of substance. But yesterday when I was feeling so much I wrote how I missed the days when a doctor's visit meant leaving with a script rather than a request for more blood tests. I admit it, I wanted sympathy. I wanted someone to ask me what was wrong, to engage with me, to talk to. I looked at all the people online and there was no one to talk to. Steve wouldn't be home for hours. And nothing. Still today. Nothing. An audience of so many "friends" and nothing.
I'm not one to engage in attention seeking behaviour online, and this is bigger than that. It's a realisation that my world is shrinking to just be about me, my husband, and my family. I have people I call friends, but I could count on one hand the number of occasions I'd see them with fingers to spare. And honestly, for an introvert like me, that's mostly OK. But I'm just feeling like I don't quite matter, and that's not a good way to feel.
I don't think I was even aware that less people are visiting Livejournal until I chatted to Lisa recently and found I needed to update her on so many of the key things I'd posted about here. I still check in daily or close to it, even if I'm not posting.
So then I thought everyone's on Facebook, everyone's still there for me. I rarely make status updates, certainly compared to many people I know. It's never of substance. But yesterday when I was feeling so much I wrote how I missed the days when a doctor's visit meant leaving with a script rather than a request for more blood tests. I admit it, I wanted sympathy. I wanted someone to ask me what was wrong, to engage with me, to talk to. I looked at all the people online and there was no one to talk to. Steve wouldn't be home for hours. And nothing. Still today. Nothing. An audience of so many "friends" and nothing.
I'm not one to engage in attention seeking behaviour online, and this is bigger than that. It's a realisation that my world is shrinking to just be about me, my husband, and my family. I have people I call friends, but I could count on one hand the number of occasions I'd see them with fingers to spare. And honestly, for an introvert like me, that's mostly OK. But I'm just feeling like I don't quite matter, and that's not a good way to feel.