Aug 02, 2009 15:25
sometimes i feel so bratty i feel i ought to be slapped.
i dont like to face my inner mess because it makes me feel like i have split personality. the inner mess is chaotic. and everyone has an inner mess.
lately, situations and things around have been screaming to me to trust. just trust. trust seem like a one time decision, but when it comes to applying it, it takes so much courage especially if youve been failed before. because to trust means to trust in all circumstances, situation and context. having been failed before indeed doesnt give me a reason not to trust, but it just makes trusting harder, tougher.
indeed lack of trust breeds insecurity. tell me about that, girls. i haven't been all honest and wholly facing up to my fears and trying hard enough to trust. today i will, because i've learnt a huge lesson. i seek not to be simply inspired by a one time event, but be truly transformed.
the inner mess book i've read lately spoke to me so aptly about "Your inner brat". it's not something im very proud of, but it is getting my attention because i know its me, or at least a part of me. i know i need and ought to change. and i want to, and i will.
one night before natthida's chalet, i read this chapter.
"one of the greatest steps forward you will ever take is when you learn to take No for an answer, and do so with confidence in yourself, and God. You don't need to fall apart. That's because, in His grace, God guarantees to supply your real needs, just in time, through someone else if he chooses or through manna from heaven if He must."
"if you cant take No for an answer, you're not asking, you're demanding."
i need to learn and accept: no one owes me. even more importantly, i must recognize i owe them.
"Owe no one anything except to love one another"
- Romans 13:8
these two nights have been a humbling experience for me.
now i think i see the end point, so i need to start disciplining my emotions and myself. to be a better person.
love God, love people.
i need to stop my inner mess from trashing my outer world.
i need to keep the trash inside from piling up and spoiling the good times outside.
dory-fish,
god,
21st,
testimony,
jany