Better in time.
I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't step into the shower. i'm afraid, afraid of being alone. afraid that when i open my eyes, walk out of the bathroom i have no one to turn to. i don't have you to count on. i dont have you anymore and you might be someone else's. i can't open my eyes not thinking about us. i'm in this state because my hopes and dreams with you are shattered. i can't stop crying. everyone is asking me to stop crying. but i need time to grief. a part of me knows i have to be fine, and i need to. the truth surfaced after a week of turmoil. but i guess it's just going to make me stronger over time. suddenly a near-to-perfection-piece of puzzle art is left incomplete because the last piece is not pieced up. and only you had the liberty. you chose to keep the piece, and i have to undo this nicely-pieced up puzzle all by myself. which is painful. because this took us a year to piece, and you could, just by one sentence tell me its over. ever wondered why you could say it so easily? i wondered.
i find it so hard to trust God at this junction. i really am struggling. but i know i can't afford time to be too overwhelmed because school is starting in 3 weeks and i have to be fine by then. i can't imagine smu-life without you because life is already so tough/stressful in school. what if i don't have you, my pillar of strength that i've grown and learnt to depend on for one year odd? memories are left raw in my head, and they keep replaying. it hurts a lot. one year (and a half - while i was in paris). you can't expect me to take this in my stride like you are doing now because you probably have someone new in mind or maybe you are just really tired of loving me. just don't, don't build something you can't complete ever again - with someone new.
it's so hard for me to let go because i thought i found the perfect man for me. someone who could embrace me and my weaknesses like his own. someone that will constantly be there for me, and brought me joy. someone who loved me. telling me you don't love me like you did yesterday, and telling me you 'don't see a future' of us anymore. those were daggers pierced raw through my broken heart as i unfound more things conversation after conversation. deep inside me, i still question why you didnt tell me everything in a go. i knew you tried. maybe you just didn't try as much at a later stage because your mind was made up. you've got no idea how much i tried to convince myself this just isn't you. and i believe you were someone better and wouldn't lie. you're right. maybe it was when i asked too much you felt offended. but i don't know if you understood i just didn't want you to leave for her.
one point, i found myself comparing myself with her. her looks, her descriptions, her talents. how am i not as good, not as wise, or not as pretty? i thought that was foolish. i forgot that i was fearfully and wonderfully created by God. i have God, she didn't. (well i hope she will come to know God someday). but i knew i didn't have to resort to comparing because my security, real security - doesn't lies in your opinion of me, or her idea of me. at a point, i was so angered i wanted to confront this girl, and maybe literally give her ten tight slaps. but i don't want to stood to that kinda level, i don't belong there.
you said it wasn't because of 3 December (monday) that this happened. it was accumulated. sometimes i wondered why didnt you tell me in my face that this was a problem we had to work out. or why didn't you want to give us a chance again? Finally i realised you just don't feel the same anymore. i stay in my sweet comfort zone thinking about the days you would attempt to run out of camp just because i didn't text you to say that i was safe in bed. you thought i would be in harm. today, it's funny how you can tell me to move on. i choose not to believe it's because of her because of what you promised me and what i think is not good for you as a friend.
Have i been too naive all along? I trusted your words too much. our 6 years plan, wanting to open a joint account someday soon, paris, carousels with me, soccer mom, family, houses, kitchen island layout.
I wish i could move on like how you can walk away with pride now. You admit you're having it easier because you have someone at your back liking you at this moment and i don't. Your honesty is commendable. i just don't think this thing came overnight. but we didn't address this before. i felt it was a wasted chance. if only you brought it up, if only we talked about it. if only, if only.. but your heart's now settled.
i stood lower than i thought i'd ever be to ask you if you wanted to work things out - for ten times. deep in my heart, i wasn't prepared to hear your answer but each answer brought new revelation to me about you. and the final straw was you don't see a future. you know how "seeing a future" is important to me, because if not there isn't a need to continue this 'relationship'. that was a strong wake up call. you took us so long to get that out from you. and when it finally was, i told myself if you had wanted this back a lot, you would have told me on the first/second time. it's no point coming back to build this house when your heart is not here. not even half of it left. and don't say you love me anymore because if you do, somehow you just wouldnt do this to me.
i hate you. i hated you for causing this upon me because of your words, your actions that made me fall head over heels with you. and when i have, you want to walk away. but i want to thank you because even as i struggle now i want to be confident that this would be a time when we are growing stronger in the Lord, His plans for us. i hope you're not just telling me "it's not pleasing to God" just so you can shrug me off but because you really want to return to Him.
We decided that we will be Best Friends (BF!) i will try. but first, give me time. whatever we agreed on is still, on.
For now, i don't know if i will be able to catch a wink tonight. i haven't been eating properly and i don't feel hungry. it's amazing how i can survive gym in the morning with no brekkie and no lunch. even dinner was a chore.
i know i deserve better. but just how. how do you deal with this pain? This is going to take much more than what you'd ever think. sometimes, when you give much, you expect much.
God, heal me. and help me to trust You more. he seemed like the perfect one for me and i can't let go. but Lord i trust that this happen for a reason and You know better than i do. i don't want to control what is best for me because You know better. Let your will be done. For now, i need to be strong and i need You to be there for me.
i find it so hard to trust God at this junction. i really am struggling. but i know i can't afford time to be too overwhelmed because school is starting in 3 weeks and i have to be fine by then. i can't imagine smu-life without you because life is already so tough/stressful in school. what if i don't have you, my pillar of strength that i've grown and learnt to depend on for one year odd? memories are left raw in my head, and they keep replaying. it hurts a lot. one year (and a half - while i was in paris). you can't expect me to take this in my stride like you are doing now because you probably have someone new in mind or maybe you are just really tired of loving me. just don't, don't build something you can't complete ever again - with someone new.
it's so hard for me to let go because i thought i found the perfect man for me. someone who could embrace me and my weaknesses like his own. someone that will constantly be there for me, and brought me joy. someone who loved me. telling me you don't love me like you did yesterday, and telling me you 'don't see a future' of us anymore. those were daggers pierced raw through my broken heart as i unfound more things conversation after conversation. deep inside me, i still question why you didnt tell me everything in a go. i knew you tried. maybe you just didn't try as much at a later stage because your mind was made up. you've got no idea how much i tried to convince myself this just isn't you. and i believe you were someone better and wouldn't lie. you're right. maybe it was when i asked too much you felt offended. but i don't know if you understood i just didn't want you to leave for her.
one point, i found myself comparing myself with her. her looks, her descriptions, her talents. how am i not as good, not as wise, or not as pretty? i thought that was foolish. i forgot that i was fearfully and wonderfully created by God. i have God, she didn't. (well i hope she will come to know God someday). but i knew i didn't have to resort to comparing because my security, real security - doesn't lies in your opinion of me, or her idea of me. at a point, i was so angered i wanted to confront this girl, and maybe literally give her ten tight slaps. but i don't want to stood to that kinda level, i don't belong there.
you said it wasn't because of 3 December (monday) that this happened. it was accumulated. sometimes i wondered why didnt you tell me in my face that this was a problem we had to work out. or why didn't you want to give us a chance again? Finally i realised you just don't feel the same anymore. i stay in my sweet comfort zone thinking about the days you would attempt to run out of camp just because i didn't text you to say that i was safe in bed. you thought i would be in harm. today, it's funny how you can tell me to move on. i choose not to believe it's because of her because of what you promised me and what i think is not good for you as a friend.
Have i been too naive all along? I trusted your words too much. our 6 years plan, wanting to open a joint account someday soon, paris, carousels with me, soccer mom, family, houses, kitchen island layout.
I wish i could move on like how you can walk away with pride now. You admit you're having it easier because you have someone at your back liking you at this moment and i don't. Your honesty is commendable. i just don't think this thing came overnight. but we didn't address this before. i felt it was a wasted chance. if only you brought it up, if only we talked about it. if only, if only.. but your heart's now settled.
i stood lower than i thought i'd ever be to ask you if you wanted to work things out - for ten times. deep in my heart, i wasn't prepared to hear your answer but each answer brought new revelation to me about you. and the final straw was you don't see a future. you know how "seeing a future" is important to me, because if not there isn't a need to continue this 'relationship'. that was a strong wake up call. you took us so long to get that out from you. and when it finally was, i told myself if you had wanted this back a lot, you would have told me on the first/second time. it's no point coming back to build this house when your heart is not here. not even half of it left. and don't say you love me anymore because if you do, somehow you just wouldnt do this to me.
i hate you. i hated you for causing this upon me because of your words, your actions that made me fall head over heels with you. and when i have, you want to walk away. but i want to thank you because even as i struggle now i want to be confident that this would be a time when we are growing stronger in the Lord, His plans for us. i hope you're not just telling me "it's not pleasing to God" just so you can shrug me off but because you really want to return to Him.
We decided that we will be Best Friends (BF!) i will try. but first, give me time. whatever we agreed on is still, on.
For now, i don't know if i will be able to catch a wink tonight. i haven't been eating properly and i don't feel hungry. it's amazing how i can survive gym in the morning with no brekkie and no lunch. even dinner was a chore.
i know i deserve better. but just how. how do you deal with this pain? This is going to take much more than what you'd ever think. sometimes, when you give much, you expect much.
God, heal me. and help me to trust You more. he seemed like the perfect one for me and i can't let go. but Lord i trust that this happen for a reason and You know better than i do. i don't want to control what is best for me because You know better. Let your will be done. For now, i need to be strong and i need You to be there for me.