My heart is heavy, wont it rain down tonight?
our visa is finally processing; on our 4th attempt & visit to the french embassy. the school can do something if they choose to. but they are just not going out to help us. to be honest theres so many true deep feelings i have inside of me that no one really knows. everyone just knows a different part of what is happening. i feel so lost also, myself. i just keep asking myself if its a wrong decision afterall. is it avoidable? i met the girls today and it was a sweet time together. it was a break; okay not really. thanks for all the nasty phone calls. i really hated every moment of it. i dont know if i cant take it no more. i just cry. i get it when im back in the crib too. where is the peace that was supposed to be. why have you changed. so many whys & so many questions - i long to know why. dont talk to that hairdresser already please. she gossips too much. can someone just tell me what to do. i really want to embrace you the same but it seems so much harder now. i swollow those nasty words i swallow those ugly words and things you throw at me. i think i had enough. i really want to tear this whole brick of wall ive been defending myself with. but somehow you just keep shooting bullets and this wall is full of holes, and collapsing without you realizing. you have no no no idea how much youve hurt me. but i dont know why i still am willing to swallow such hard and insulting and demoralizing and unreasonable blames. maybe, maybe just because i love you. this is what love is? is this what grown ups know or understand about love? if loving is like this i rather not. God didnt make this world like this, did He? oh yes. man sinned - and that's all it happened, no? im having such a hard time here only God knows. everytime i think about it, my tears start to flow and its coming all over again. i dont know where to go now, im just so scared and so many thoughts are running through my mind -- so good night. dont bother asking because i think i really dont want to talk about this.
it will just remain a secret. maybe between me & God.