(no subject)
Don't look a dead horse in the mouth. Don't beat a dead horse. Don't question a horse's gift.
I don't know what the saying is. But basically, I shouldn't wonder why I have no anxiety, depression, attention issues, yeah? I feel like in a lot of ways I'm happier than I've ever been. Of course, situations make it hard to truly celebrate life. Fuck covid, fuck covid, fuck covid.
I am not "cured." I am tired of the dreams dragging up old traumas and dramas. I'm tired of the occasional random memories. But they're fewer and further between, and I think each time it makes me realize more and more of who I am, what's happened, and why. And honestly, sometimes I just need the validation because even though I am no longer under the thumb print of being manipulated and gaslit, I think its just... *there* in some ways, deep down, and if I don't actively stop and notice, it wants to peek out and make me question my own dang self. But I know who I am, and I've begun to love who I am. This self growth is incredible.
I'm watching football, and they just compared Lamar Jackson to a kid chasing an ice cream cone and being unable to eat it. Sometimes, I love the commentators especially the ol' razzle dazzle.
Never thought I'd be rooting against Lamar, but I want that first seed. This Mac Jones kid is exciting.
Anyway. The one thing that has held me back my ENTIRE life is my body. I'm tired of waiting until I lose X amount of weight to do certain things, feel certain ways, love myself. Because I know that those feelings and bravery aren't magically going to pop up even if I was skinny. And the truth is, I don't want an eating disorder. I don't want to constantly think about food and berate myself and hate myself because I ate something I 'shouldn't' have or obsess over getting enough of certain kinds of foods. I deserve happiness and love no matter what size I am. Weight fluctuates throughout everyones lifetime. And anyway, that's all about that. But I'm ready to just live and do the things no matter what. If Covid can go away, life would be much better.
Ummmmmmm. I love hiking!! So! MUCH! My stamina is so much greater than it was before. I can do huge hills and go for longer and it's FUN. I think that was key. Cause honestly, fuck the gym. Especially with covid. I never loved it, even when I was going every day. And gym culture sucks... But getting outside is so reinvigorating. Bandit will be able to continue soon too, though he'll just slow me down but thats okay. It doesn't have to be all about sweating.
Doing advent boxes this past week has been a lot but it's been good. Still, it is a reminder of one of the worst times of my life. I can't even imagine if I was still in that horrible shit hole. I don't know how I managed to get up every day and do all that shit holy fuck. Even thinking about it gives me a major headache. sssssiiiiiiigggggghhhhhhhh!
ALSO my joy of reading is at an all time high. I'm reading what I want to read, what I feel like reading when I feel like reading. Once this week is over and all of those things are done for work, I'm definitely going to start taking tons of time off and letting my employees handle EVERYTHING. I'm paying them enough to do it all, so I'll do the things I love and then peace out, go read, get some writing in, hike. I cannnnnootttt believe how much Unplugged has grown this year. Literally more than doubled. I'm getting my first ever exclusive covers from the publisher soon and HOLY SMOKES. I just hope this outlander thing works out too because that would make my life. I just want to write Outlander fic and go to Scotland honestly. Genuinely thinking about going to Scotland maybe next year depending on Covid shit, but maybe I'll rent a place for the summer so I can write and pretend I'm Claire and shit. Unless I meet someone that keeps me here. Jessi really is inspiring me but idkidkidkidkdidkdidkadfh. :)
I miss summer now that autumn is basically over but I'm trying to live in the moment because the good thing about this weather is I can totally hike and enjoy it more without the disgusting humidity.
Ummmm I think that's all I got to say right now. Going to read while watching the rest of the game, write a bit, pass out early, get some work done in the AM and maybe go finish my book at the beach. GOD that sounds perfect. I can't finish the advent stuff til traci's ish arrives on like tuesday.
Sometimes I just feel so freakin' hyper and silly and I need an outlet. IHEHEHEHEHj. feathers!!!! okay bye