Good Bye Mom...
Its been 4 months now since mom passed. And i've been telling myself to get on here and finally write about it. Just haven't had the strength to do it. I cry for her all the time. And I have it in my head that she still lives in the nursing home so she's ok. It brings me peace. And I know this is weird, but I feel like she didnt pass this year. I feel like I lost her 4 years ago when she had her stroke. I cried a lot more and stressed more when she had it than when she passed. And i think i feel that way because after her stroke, no wait actually after her seizure, she was never the same person. It was like there was her body and she was alive, but it wasnt her anymore. Like she was gone already. And we were taking care of a stranger. I hate that she sacrificed and went through so much for us and we were selfish and unappreciative. We didnt start appreciating her til after it was too late.
She had been in Hospice care for about a week at the nursing home. They made her comfortable and prepared us. She was no longer able to digest food, so she pretty much starved. Which saddens me but I know it was best for her so that she wasnt throwing up. I remember the day she passed; it was cloudy and windy. A monsoon was right around the corner. The nursing home called Ralf to tell him she might not make it through the night so for us to go down. Ralf had it in his head that she would be ok. And last a couple more months. To me, she lasted longer than i expected. So Ralf asked me to go and to call him if i needed him down there. I went with my dad. I walked in her room and the curtain was drawn around her bed. I opened it and stared at her. Her mouth was open and I could tell that she was gone. I didnt panic at first because I wasnt sure, and also needed to prepare dad before he saw her. I calmly went out to the nurses station and said I think she passed and if they could double check. They did, and one nurse who we grew fond of, busted into tears and hugged me and apologized. she took it worst than me i think. I didnt really cry at first. And thats because I have learned to be strong and hold it in for the sake of others. I called my brothers and they were on their way. I went back in her room and just talked to her and sat down on the floor and lost it for a couple minutes. I got it together so that I could be strong for the boys. Chuey came in first and I was going to prepare him for how skinny she was and how she looked. But i was frozen and couldnt open my mouth. I'll never forget his face when he opened that curtain. And i feel bad. But cant change time now. Ralf walked in and he and Chuey lost it. They cried for a while. Longer than me thats for sure. Then we had to wait for hospice people and the social worker to get there. Went home, and i just went numb. I dont remember what happened the rest of that day.
Making her funeral arrangements wasnt to hard. The boys let me make the final decisions but we all went together and communicated what we wanted.
This year is unforgettable. My grandma, mother and grandfather all passed this year. And lately i have been going out every weekend. I feel myself slipping out of control. Im not working, im living off unemployment and my grandparents money, i drink more, and been vacationing.
This last weekend i got soooo wasted and i drove home. Not caring about who was on the road, or if i would get pulled over. i made out with random people at the club, i remember people asking if i was driving home and lied and said no. But i did, i remember swerving but thats about it.
I know this is not the real me. And i know my mom would be so disappointed. I was never this way. But i am enjoying it for some reason and i just dont have control. Next time though i will not get to that point again. I have friends that live close to the clubs and offered me their place to crash out. So i will take them up on that next time. Im going to regain control in my life hopefully. I will keep it posted :)
She had been in Hospice care for about a week at the nursing home. They made her comfortable and prepared us. She was no longer able to digest food, so she pretty much starved. Which saddens me but I know it was best for her so that she wasnt throwing up. I remember the day she passed; it was cloudy and windy. A monsoon was right around the corner. The nursing home called Ralf to tell him she might not make it through the night so for us to go down. Ralf had it in his head that she would be ok. And last a couple more months. To me, she lasted longer than i expected. So Ralf asked me to go and to call him if i needed him down there. I went with my dad. I walked in her room and the curtain was drawn around her bed. I opened it and stared at her. Her mouth was open and I could tell that she was gone. I didnt panic at first because I wasnt sure, and also needed to prepare dad before he saw her. I calmly went out to the nurses station and said I think she passed and if they could double check. They did, and one nurse who we grew fond of, busted into tears and hugged me and apologized. she took it worst than me i think. I didnt really cry at first. And thats because I have learned to be strong and hold it in for the sake of others. I called my brothers and they were on their way. I went back in her room and just talked to her and sat down on the floor and lost it for a couple minutes. I got it together so that I could be strong for the boys. Chuey came in first and I was going to prepare him for how skinny she was and how she looked. But i was frozen and couldnt open my mouth. I'll never forget his face when he opened that curtain. And i feel bad. But cant change time now. Ralf walked in and he and Chuey lost it. They cried for a while. Longer than me thats for sure. Then we had to wait for hospice people and the social worker to get there. Went home, and i just went numb. I dont remember what happened the rest of that day.
Making her funeral arrangements wasnt to hard. The boys let me make the final decisions but we all went together and communicated what we wanted.
This year is unforgettable. My grandma, mother and grandfather all passed this year. And lately i have been going out every weekend. I feel myself slipping out of control. Im not working, im living off unemployment and my grandparents money, i drink more, and been vacationing.
This last weekend i got soooo wasted and i drove home. Not caring about who was on the road, or if i would get pulled over. i made out with random people at the club, i remember people asking if i was driving home and lied and said no. But i did, i remember swerving but thats about it.
I know this is not the real me. And i know my mom would be so disappointed. I was never this way. But i am enjoying it for some reason and i just dont have control. Next time though i will not get to that point again. I have friends that live close to the clubs and offered me their place to crash out. So i will take them up on that next time. Im going to regain control in my life hopefully. I will keep it posted :)