The ardeur
Laurel Hamilton, in her infamous Anita Blake series, calls it the "ardeur" the need for sex that overpowers the will and demands feeding, regardless of the consequences. In her books, it is a mystical infection that the heroine catches, but when she described it, I thought, damn, I've had that my whole life. Maybe this is what it is like to be a boy?
Every stupid mistake I have made (and damn, that's a lot) has been because of sex. I get swept up. carried away, crazy, I start writing poetry (number one sign) and the next thing I know, I have majorly fucked up and am apologizing to all in sight and wishing for a hole to crawl into.
Before my first marriage, I cheated on every guy I was with, from the age of 14 on. If I wanted it, I went with it and damn the consequences. I even cheated, kind of, on the first husband before we were married. But I went into marriage wanting to be faithful, to honor my commitment. I gained a lot of weight after I got married. When they ask you in weight loss groups, what does your weight do for you, why is it working for you, my answer was always, it makes it easier to be monogamous. Then the marriage went south and I renegotiated monogamy. (for more details, page back). Never did lose the weight, though.
When the ardeur is riding me, it is like a perfume or maybe a pheromone. It clings to my skin, but has it's own presence, one that men sense and respond to. With an effort, I can tone it down, as I did for many years when working in criminal court, around male lawyers and police officers. But if it isn't satisfied, when my sex life was really bad, or when I was actively seeking new partners, it still crept out and got me into trouble. And when I let it ride, indulge it and cultivate it, it can be devastating. The first time R met me, he dropped to his knees in front of me. Still one of my favorite memories. :-)
Why am I thinking about this now? It came up because this weekend I had the possibility of seeing not one but two guys I let make me crazy like this. I started contemplating the circumstances of that craziness, how carried away I got and started wondering about the pattern of it in my life.
I can happily say that the ardeur is well fed and happy now, and has made no trouble for years. Since the ex-husband moved out, six years ago in September, it has been R and no one else for me. At first, I made that decision just to simplify my life, to enjoy my own company while R decided what he wanted from his marriage as well. Just when I started to get that itchy feeling, and had set a deadline to start dating other people, R showed up at my door with an old dog and a suitcase. Despite his rocky divorce and other unhappy events, we have been unbelievably happy ever since.
This weekend I also saw the tarot card reader who predicted, among other improbable things, that R would be "the one who stays" one month after I met him and that I would have the best divorce ever. I told her how right she was, as if she needed me to tell her. She just smiled a long suffering smile and said, of course.
Every stupid mistake I have made (and damn, that's a lot) has been because of sex. I get swept up. carried away, crazy, I start writing poetry (number one sign) and the next thing I know, I have majorly fucked up and am apologizing to all in sight and wishing for a hole to crawl into.
Before my first marriage, I cheated on every guy I was with, from the age of 14 on. If I wanted it, I went with it and damn the consequences. I even cheated, kind of, on the first husband before we were married. But I went into marriage wanting to be faithful, to honor my commitment. I gained a lot of weight after I got married. When they ask you in weight loss groups, what does your weight do for you, why is it working for you, my answer was always, it makes it easier to be monogamous. Then the marriage went south and I renegotiated monogamy. (for more details, page back). Never did lose the weight, though.
When the ardeur is riding me, it is like a perfume or maybe a pheromone. It clings to my skin, but has it's own presence, one that men sense and respond to. With an effort, I can tone it down, as I did for many years when working in criminal court, around male lawyers and police officers. But if it isn't satisfied, when my sex life was really bad, or when I was actively seeking new partners, it still crept out and got me into trouble. And when I let it ride, indulge it and cultivate it, it can be devastating. The first time R met me, he dropped to his knees in front of me. Still one of my favorite memories. :-)
Why am I thinking about this now? It came up because this weekend I had the possibility of seeing not one but two guys I let make me crazy like this. I started contemplating the circumstances of that craziness, how carried away I got and started wondering about the pattern of it in my life.
I can happily say that the ardeur is well fed and happy now, and has made no trouble for years. Since the ex-husband moved out, six years ago in September, it has been R and no one else for me. At first, I made that decision just to simplify my life, to enjoy my own company while R decided what he wanted from his marriage as well. Just when I started to get that itchy feeling, and had set a deadline to start dating other people, R showed up at my door with an old dog and a suitcase. Despite his rocky divorce and other unhappy events, we have been unbelievably happy ever since.
This weekend I also saw the tarot card reader who predicted, among other improbable things, that R would be "the one who stays" one month after I met him and that I would have the best divorce ever. I told her how right she was, as if she needed me to tell her. She just smiled a long suffering smile and said, of course.