sm_monthly Aug 4 theme
Properly speaking this belongs on a different journal of mine, being part of that continuity and drawing from that verse, but I find myself reluctant to post it there. This turned out too raw, too bitter (though that was the prompt I was writing on), and I don't want the people there to read it and think this reflects my state of mind or that I'm still caught up on or brooding about certain things. I'm not, this is non-indicative, if in character and following the prompt.
Title: Ancient as Time
Author: purplekitte
Theme: Setsuna--Bitter
Genre: Angst
Version: Manga
Rating: PG
I never expected to be a bitter old woman.
No young person ever expects to be old, not really. And I, I am immortal, so I thought I should never grow old at all. Instead, I do not look old. That is all.
I thought I would have power. I do, I am Guardian of Time, but it is not enough. I don’t mean that I discovered there is more that one needs in life than power, which is true, but I have always considered the parts that cannot be won by sufficient application of force to be the easy bits. I mean that I never had enough power. I have had people I want to protect. I have been weak and bleeding and broken, so believe in the value of power and wish I had enough.
I am a mother of dead children, a sister of dead siblings, a wife of dead lovers, a vassal of dead queens, I suppose a daughter of dead parents I hardly remember. I survive. I tell myself in better moods that it is better to keep my heart open even if I am hurt and to love again, but sometimes I think I would rather be weak than strong of heart if that would make the pain stop. Yet, being alone, the last living thing in the empty universe, is the deepest fear of my heart.
I have fought fate and rejected destiny and called the ineffable f-able and tried to change the timeline. I have met spectacular and constant failure. I cannot, but I will not stop trying. I will do what I think is necessary, but if I stop fighting for the best possible future that may not be possible, I will loose myself.
I suppose it shouldn’t be a surprise that I am bitter and cynical. I have contended with gods and demons for so long I can no longer tell the difference. Perhaps I cling to being a soldier of love and justice so hard because I have so little else. But I cannot accept a God that put evil in this world and called what He saw good.
So I am old and I am bitter. I am overcome with my grief yet unable to die of it. So I live. Fortune is a wheel and I will love again and be bereaved again and I will not escape as long as I live. And yet, I hope. Change will come. I believe.
Title: Ancient as Time
Author: purplekitte
Theme: Setsuna--Bitter
Genre: Angst
Version: Manga
Rating: PG
I never expected to be a bitter old woman.
No young person ever expects to be old, not really. And I, I am immortal, so I thought I should never grow old at all. Instead, I do not look old. That is all.
I thought I would have power. I do, I am Guardian of Time, but it is not enough. I don’t mean that I discovered there is more that one needs in life than power, which is true, but I have always considered the parts that cannot be won by sufficient application of force to be the easy bits. I mean that I never had enough power. I have had people I want to protect. I have been weak and bleeding and broken, so believe in the value of power and wish I had enough.
I am a mother of dead children, a sister of dead siblings, a wife of dead lovers, a vassal of dead queens, I suppose a daughter of dead parents I hardly remember. I survive. I tell myself in better moods that it is better to keep my heart open even if I am hurt and to love again, but sometimes I think I would rather be weak than strong of heart if that would make the pain stop. Yet, being alone, the last living thing in the empty universe, is the deepest fear of my heart.
I have fought fate and rejected destiny and called the ineffable f-able and tried to change the timeline. I have met spectacular and constant failure. I cannot, but I will not stop trying. I will do what I think is necessary, but if I stop fighting for the best possible future that may not be possible, I will loose myself.
I suppose it shouldn’t be a surprise that I am bitter and cynical. I have contended with gods and demons for so long I can no longer tell the difference. Perhaps I cling to being a soldier of love and justice so hard because I have so little else. But I cannot accept a God that put evil in this world and called what He saw good.
So I am old and I am bitter. I am overcome with my grief yet unable to die of it. So I live. Fortune is a wheel and I will love again and be bereaved again and I will not escape as long as I live. And yet, I hope. Change will come. I believe.