(no subject)
Frustrating really. I mean here I am all happy (well as I am able to be) at the moment with where I am headed in life and what not. finally able to go to sleep and not be plaged with dreams of things that will never be, dreams that reopen old heartbreaks, making it harder and harder to move on with my life, which is something I have wanted for so long now. Then, purely by acident I find out that they got married. and honestly, its no biggy really. what ever makes them happy I supose. so why does my brain decied that its time to lay on the lets make me go psycho again dreams? I mean I am able to control to a degree what I think about during the day but its not fair at night, when I cant control my dreams and I have to go through the heart break again. sure you may read this and go, girl its been 6 years, get over it. and you know what I would love to be totally over it. I was so stoked earlier this year that I hadnt reacted at all when I saw him over christmas. that there was no urge to run him over with my car or what ever. and there hadnt been for so long. stupid freeking emotions. sigh. so now I am all stressed about moving home in a couple months. is this set back really gonna set me back? I mean I seriously was out of my mind nuts for a good year after wards. I was just starting to feel like my normal semi crazy self and here I am obsesing about him again. stupid dreams. so here is what I am gonna do to make my mind knock off this dumb shit. rubber band on the wrist for thought when I am awake. (it really hurts after three or four times) but as for the dreams, lots of journal writing and hopefully the rubber band trick will train him out of my mind once again.
more stuff making me nuts... my boss is pregnant again. this will be her 6th kid so I am kind of bummed I will miss the new baby, miss watching my petie pie and joe joe grow up. the hardest part of her being pregnant for me is that well, my body picks up on hormonal things really easialy and so the extra hormones she is sending out are making me feel like crap if I am around her too much. so this is my train of thought on this... I am late. I normaly am not as long as I take my BC, which I do religiously. so thinking back to last month it entered my mind that there was a slight posibliblity that I could actually be pregnant and it wasnt just her hormones that were making me sick and what not. this is a really hard issue with me. I want kids so badly some days that I honestly have thought about being iresponsable and just going out and getting pregnant. which, I know isnt posible for me for a bunch of reasons. the bigest is a tie for icky STDs and oh yeah the fact that I most likely wont be able to get pregnant with out medical help (thanks mom). so half of me get excited, gets my hopes up that there is a posibility that I could be. the other half is like argh no, not good, stupid me blah blah blah. but i'm not. I took a test. so now I am more bummed then relieved. I hate hormones and emotions. I feel so badly cause I havent been there for my friend Jessi who has really needed me to be sane lately. lets face it, some days I just cant deal with her. I love her to death but I swear to god if she doesnt get profesional help so I am going to freek out on her. I can only handle so much insanity that isnt my own for so long before I burn out. she needs help so bad. she should have got it after skyler died. but she didnt and now she is so parnoid about ella and noah getting sick. I worry so much about her and those kids. sigh I need to get to bed. its been such a long week.
x-posted to my LJ
more stuff making me nuts... my boss is pregnant again. this will be her 6th kid so I am kind of bummed I will miss the new baby, miss watching my petie pie and joe joe grow up. the hardest part of her being pregnant for me is that well, my body picks up on hormonal things really easialy and so the extra hormones she is sending out are making me feel like crap if I am around her too much. so this is my train of thought on this... I am late. I normaly am not as long as I take my BC, which I do religiously. so thinking back to last month it entered my mind that there was a slight posibliblity that I could actually be pregnant and it wasnt just her hormones that were making me sick and what not. this is a really hard issue with me. I want kids so badly some days that I honestly have thought about being iresponsable and just going out and getting pregnant. which, I know isnt posible for me for a bunch of reasons. the bigest is a tie for icky STDs and oh yeah the fact that I most likely wont be able to get pregnant with out medical help (thanks mom). so half of me get excited, gets my hopes up that there is a posibility that I could be. the other half is like argh no, not good, stupid me blah blah blah. but i'm not. I took a test. so now I am more bummed then relieved. I hate hormones and emotions. I feel so badly cause I havent been there for my friend Jessi who has really needed me to be sane lately. lets face it, some days I just cant deal with her. I love her to death but I swear to god if she doesnt get profesional help so I am going to freek out on her. I can only handle so much insanity that isnt my own for so long before I burn out. she needs help so bad. she should have got it after skyler died. but she didnt and now she is so parnoid about ella and noah getting sick. I worry so much about her and those kids. sigh I need to get to bed. its been such a long week.
x-posted to my LJ