The third time I met my In laws.
So. Yeah. My husband is close to his Gramma. He and his sister spent every summer with her out in the country while growing up. When Bryan did firefighting one summer during college he stayed with her. In the two years we've been in Portland we have been down to see her and work on her house and stuff a half dozen times. Gramma found out December 30th there was something wrong. She had a heart attack, a biopsy and within 10 days she was dead. Small cell carcinoma. That's the kind of cancer that once they find it you are pretty much dead.
Bryan's parents had a hell of a time getting to Medford from Dallas, the weather was fucked, they got stuck in Denver--- it was a nightmare. They could have driven and it would have taken the same time with less hassle. We're only four hours away but we respected his parent's wishes to see her first (Bryan's Dad, Gary, is an only child)and did not drive down until Thursday. By then everyone including Gramma knew.
I think its the first time I was glad to have had my stupid degree. I actually used it. I helped Gramma get her pain meds, get d/c'ed from the hospital, prepared the family for the hospice process, set up the bedroom at Gramma's house for the hospice set up. All that stuff. No family really realizes how fast decisions need to be made and what is going to happen. I let the hospice nurse do her schpiel, because I am just not all about the hearts and flowers. I'm kind of results oriented. She gave nice booklets and a chart for the meds/dosages, She went thru the dying process as nicely as possible.
Later, I had to remind Bryan's Mom that hospice care was a different kind of care than she was used to and that the pain medication should not be viewed as optional anymore.
It was hard watching the family dynamics. It was weird how family members Bryan's parents hadn't heard from in 40 years suddenly showed up. Watching Gary, Bryan's Dad's awkwardness around his Mother. He didn't know where to touch her or what to say to her. He ended up reading her the same get well cards three times over before she passed. It made me so sad.
I taught both Gary and Bryan's Mom, Neta, how to give the liquid morphine. I taught Neta how to change Gramma. Gramma was coherent and I already knew she was not a fan of having to be assisted with bodily functions. The hospice had sent (standard set up package) a bedside commode which was completely useless since Gramma was a completely dependent transfer and had lost her ablity to sit upright independently. I asked her anyway if she wanted to use it. She said no.I made the executive decision to not use diapers because I knew Gramma would find it humiliating. I just used the disposable incontinence pads underneath her and told her I would be slipping Poise pad (she had a stash under her bathroom sink) under her and she was only slightly embarrassed. But it did the job and it kept her comfortable and that was all that mattered.
Neta had a hard time. When it was all over and we were waiting for the funeral home to come in get Gramma, I asked if she wanted to be in the room when they came, She asked "Why? Aren't they just going to put her in a velvet robe and take her away.. I mean, she's an angel now..."
I just put my hand on her and said, "No, Neta, I am so sorry. They will put her in a body bag.". At that point Bryan took his Mom to the back bedroom and they stayed there for the duration of the body transfer. I stayed with Gary while the two funeral home employees wrapped Gramma in a shroud and zipped her into the bags and then to the gurney, then out to the van in the drive.
The last thing Gramma said to anyone was to Bryan, She told him "I love you and I always will" in the clearest voice. 8 hours later she was gone. In her own house, with only her family- Her son, his wife, her grandson and me. I'm family.
Bryan's parents had a hell of a time getting to Medford from Dallas, the weather was fucked, they got stuck in Denver--- it was a nightmare. They could have driven and it would have taken the same time with less hassle. We're only four hours away but we respected his parent's wishes to see her first (Bryan's Dad, Gary, is an only child)and did not drive down until Thursday. By then everyone including Gramma knew.
I think its the first time I was glad to have had my stupid degree. I actually used it. I helped Gramma get her pain meds, get d/c'ed from the hospital, prepared the family for the hospice process, set up the bedroom at Gramma's house for the hospice set up. All that stuff. No family really realizes how fast decisions need to be made and what is going to happen. I let the hospice nurse do her schpiel, because I am just not all about the hearts and flowers. I'm kind of results oriented. She gave nice booklets and a chart for the meds/dosages, She went thru the dying process as nicely as possible.
Later, I had to remind Bryan's Mom that hospice care was a different kind of care than she was used to and that the pain medication should not be viewed as optional anymore.
It was hard watching the family dynamics. It was weird how family members Bryan's parents hadn't heard from in 40 years suddenly showed up. Watching Gary, Bryan's Dad's awkwardness around his Mother. He didn't know where to touch her or what to say to her. He ended up reading her the same get well cards three times over before she passed. It made me so sad.
I taught both Gary and Bryan's Mom, Neta, how to give the liquid morphine. I taught Neta how to change Gramma. Gramma was coherent and I already knew she was not a fan of having to be assisted with bodily functions. The hospice had sent (standard set up package) a bedside commode which was completely useless since Gramma was a completely dependent transfer and had lost her ablity to sit upright independently. I asked her anyway if she wanted to use it. She said no.I made the executive decision to not use diapers because I knew Gramma would find it humiliating. I just used the disposable incontinence pads underneath her and told her I would be slipping Poise pad (she had a stash under her bathroom sink) under her and she was only slightly embarrassed. But it did the job and it kept her comfortable and that was all that mattered.
Neta had a hard time. When it was all over and we were waiting for the funeral home to come in get Gramma, I asked if she wanted to be in the room when they came, She asked "Why? Aren't they just going to put her in a velvet robe and take her away.. I mean, she's an angel now..."
I just put my hand on her and said, "No, Neta, I am so sorry. They will put her in a body bag.". At that point Bryan took his Mom to the back bedroom and they stayed there for the duration of the body transfer. I stayed with Gary while the two funeral home employees wrapped Gramma in a shroud and zipped her into the bags and then to the gurney, then out to the van in the drive.
The last thing Gramma said to anyone was to Bryan, She told him "I love you and I always will" in the clearest voice. 8 hours later she was gone. In her own house, with only her family- Her son, his wife, her grandson and me. I'm family.