that's it...
grrrr.... is it giving up, or doing the right thing?....
i'm officially over this job. i just.... can't do it. i'm not this detail oriented. i'm not this responsible. it was fun for a while, pretending to have my shit this together, but i don't. and i'm completely okay with that. i don't feel bad about myself for it. i just don't care. so, tomorrow morning i'm meeting with boss ladies and we're going to mutually decide what the hell to do about me. i know that they are frustrated, too. i can tell. it sucks when i fuck something up. for them and me.
i offer advice to people currently going to try and get their first grown up big girl jobs. make sure they lay out in fucking supreme detail everything you will have to be responsible for. everything. right down to the last miniscule thing. i don't feel like less of a person because i can't handle this job. i just feel like this is not the type of job for someone who's never done something like this before, and to not cop out totally and to make sure i'm not throwing blame elsewhere.... this is not the type of job for me.
the boss ladies know what's up. they saw me looking for job postings earlier. and while i was trying to help out my new hot neighbors, i was pretty much looking for shit for me as well. i'm cool with musc. i'm down with these benefits and i'm suprisingly used to this schedule. but i can't handle this anymore. it's too much. i wish you guys could see the piles and piles and files and files of crap that are in my damn office. it's insane. i'm 22. i don't want to have to be this responsible yet. i want to pay my bills, yes, and eating, well that's kinda important too i guess. but fuck this. i'm done. if it takes this kind of job to have my own office, then give me a cubicle in the corner any day.
cindy and judi were both like "yeah, we'll talk about all this tomorrow. it sounds like it might be best for both of us." and while it makes me feel slightly like a piece of shit that i couldn't pull it together, and "handle" my first job. fuck it. i don't care. judge away. i can work in an office. i can own that shit. just not this one. not with these ladies. not with all this crap i have to do. they need someone who cares about this job and who understands the importance of it. i've only recently realized just how much i'm depended on and all i am going to have to be expected to do. and yeah, it's embarassing and i hate myself a tad, but i'm starting to feel the first signs of relief. and that to me is more important than saving face for a bunch of people, fellow employees that i don't like and having nothing in common with. i don't want to be this stressed this early in my life. it's just not right. it doesn't feel right. i need to get out while i can. so that's what i'm doing.
i just applied for two positions that require half the amount of work, less credentials, and they are going to pay me more. wtf? i got swindled into this job man.... they flashed more than minimum wage infront of me and i took the bait. they saw my little "starbucks" on my resume and thought "hey, this bitch will do all this work. just pay her more than ten bucks and she'll flip out." i totally did.
*sigh*. this is one of those things that you either say "wow, that was the best thing i ever did" or you regret it forever. we'll see....