Fic: So Like Fear [Glee]
Title: So Like Fear
Author: purplehrdwonder
Rating: PG-13
Genre/pairing: Sebastian/Blaine
Characters: Blaine, Sebastian, Sebastian's mother
Word count: 6,150
Spoilers: Through 4x22
Warnings: This installment deals with the death of an OC, so tread carefully if that might be problematic.
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Summary: Sebastian had completely shut down in his grief, so Blaine did the only thing he could-he stayed with Sebastian the way Sebastian had for him so many times already in their short relationship. Seventh in the Not Words 'verse.
Author’s Note: The title comes from a C.S. Lewis quote: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
Also, I’m absolutely thrilled that the amazing leaf-falling made a graphics set for the Not Words ‘verse. It’s beautiful, so check it out and give her lots of love.
So Like Fear
Sebastian woke up slowly, loose-limbed and sated as he smelled sweat tinged with raspberries. The scent was familiar, so he opened his eyes and was greeted with a mess of dark curls poking out from broken gel. He blinked before registering the feel of another body in his arms. He tensed as his eyes widened. Wait, wha-
Blaine.
Right. He relaxed again, eyes slipping shut again as he melted back into the mattress with a content sigh.
But memories of the fight flashed across his mind’s eye and every trace of happiness rushed out of him, leaving a boulder of cold dread in its wake.
It was a good sign that Blaine was still there in his bed, but that could change in an instant; they’d said things designed to hurt each other, and for those few agonizing minutes after Blaine had walked out the door, Sebastian had thought he’d lost the best thing in his life for good.
Of course, that had also been the moment he’d realized that Blaine was, in fact, the best thing in his life, which only made things worse.
That reaction had both blindsided and scared the shit out of him. Sebastian had never expected (or wanted) to need another person in his life, but Blaine had gotten under his skin and into his heart without even trying; the prospect of losing him had shaken Sebastian to the core and left him raw.
“Mm, morning,” Blaine murmured in a gravelly voice as Sebastian pressed a lingering kiss to the back of his neck.
“Morning.”
Sebastian tightened his grip around Blaine’s waist as the other boy stirred into wakefulness. They’d shifted in the night, so Blaine’s back was pressed to Sebastian’s chest; Sebastian had an arm draped over Blaine’s waist, and Blaine had loosely entwined their fingers while their feet remained tangled together. Sebastian ran his foot up and down Blaine’s calf and Blaine shivered.
“You’re still here,” he murmured into Blaine’s shoulder.
“Where else would I be?” Blaine replied, turning to look back at Sebastian with a curious look.
Sebastian shrugged. “A thousand miles from here? Or at least telling Sam and Tina what an asshole I am over coffee?”
Blaine huffed. “Bas.”
“Which,” Sebastian continued over the interruption, “you would totally be justified in saying. So.”
Blaine sighed and twisted in Sebastian’s arms so they were face-to-face. Blaine ran a hand down Sebastian’s arm, leaving goose bumps in his wake, and squeezed his hand. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?” He sniffed and grimaced. “Except maybe the shower.”
Not ready to let go quite yet, though, Sebastian rolled on top of Blaine, straddling his hips and leaning into Blaine’s space.
“And last night?” he murmured against Blaine’s ear. A faint blush tinged Blaine’s cheeks, and Sebastian couldn’t help but smirk before asking more seriously, “Do you regret it?”
Sebastian was always wary when Blaine had time to think, to let doubt set in, because, if Sebastian was being honest (which was generally not his policy), every day he had with Blaine felt like a dream and he was still waiting to wake up.
Blaine’s eyes widened. “What? No, of course not.”
The response sounded a little too hurried for Sebastian’s comfort, so he sat up and arched an eyebrow in response.
Blaine pushed himself up onto his elbows. “I told you when we started this that I don’t do casual, Sebastian. And I meant that.” He shook his head, his expression turning wry. “So, in case it didn’t sink into that thick skull of yours, last night? That was a commitment. To whatever this is and to wherever it goes, no matter how messy it gets.”
“Messy is my specialty.” Sebastian’s lips had twitched into a smirk before he’d realized what he’d said.
Blaine’s smile took on a slightly pained tinge and Sebastian mentally kicked himself. Shit.
“Yeah,” Blaine murmured, looking down.
“Blaine-”
“We still need to talk,” Blaine replied, tightening his grip on Sebastian’s hand. His lips twitched upward. “But shower first. And coffee.”
Not one to argue with coffee, Sebastian rolled off Blaine and allowed him to climb out of bed. He reclined against the pillows to enjoy the view as Blaine walked across the living room to the bathroom, not bothering with a sheet for modesty (not that Sebastian would’ve let him take it because, hey, he had eyes and he’d been waiting a long time for that view). Sebastian had never considered that he might have a domesticity kink, but Blaine’s obvious comfort in Sebastian’s space was definitely doing something for him.
He eventually got out of bed, dressed, and left a change of clothes and towel for Blaine in the bathroom before picking up the clothes they’d discarded the night before and starting coffee. He was pulling two mugs out of the cupboard when his phone went off. Wondering who would be calling early on a Saturday, Sebastian grabbed his phone off the coffee table and frowned at the caller ID: Julia Dubois.
“Mom?” he greeted carefully. They usually talked once a month or so, and he wasn’t expecting to hear from her for a few weeks at least.
“Hi honey,” Julia replied. There was something off about her voice that Sebastian couldn’t quite place.
“This isn’t exactly a good time,” Sebastian said, glancing back toward the bathroom where the shower was still running. “Can it wait?”
“No.” She inhaled shakily. “Listen, Sebastian. I have some bad news…”
-----
Blaine stepped out of the bathroom in a rolled up pair of Sebastian’s sweats and a t-shirt, running a towel over his wet curls as he contemplated what he was going to say about the previous day. He didn’t want to start another fight, but they really did need to talk. He looked around and saw Sebastian sitting on the edge of his couch, his phone hanging loosely in his fingers.
“Hey,” Blaine said, approaching the other boy. Alarm bells started going off in his head, though, when he saw the blank look on Sebastian’s face as he stared at his phone. “Everything all right?”
As though coming out of a daze, Sebastian shook himself and glanced up at Blaine. He looked pale. Blaine dropped the towel into an empty chair and sat down next to him.
“I just got a call from my mother.” There was something wrong with his voice-it was flat in a way Blaine had never heard before. Worry started gnawing at his gut the longer Sebastian took to speak. “My grandmother died. The funeral is this week.”
“Oh, Bas,” Blaine breathed, stomach twisting into a knot as he reached for the other boy’s hand. “I’m so sorry.”
Sebastian’s maternal grandmother had been one of the few steadily supportive presences in his life both before and after he’d come out. Sebastian had lived with her for a year when his parents were messily separating, and they’d remained close even when Sebastian wasn’t on the greatest terms with either of his parents years later. From what Blaine had gleaned from their few discussions about her, she was one of the few permanent fixtures in Sebastian’s life, and now he’d lost her as an anchor.
“My mother is flying to Portland for the funeral and has a layover in New York,” Sebastian added, voice still flat. He nodded toward a pad of paper in front of him on the coffee table. “She gave me her flight and hotel information.” He shook his head. “I just- I don’t really know what to do now.”
Blaine pulled Sebastian’s phone from his hand and placed it on the coffee table and grabbed the pad of paper, glancing over Sebastian’s scrawled handwriting. Then he looked back at Sebastian, a plan already starting to form involving flight reservations and packing.
“Now you let me help.”
-----
Incessant knocking pulled Sebastian from his reverie as he lay on his hotel bed Monday night staring at the ceiling. His phone was on silent and he hadn’t bothered checking it since leaving his mother and Jean after an unbearably quiet dinner. Sebastian glanced at the door and hoped that if he ignored the knocking, whoever was on the other side would just leave him alone. After a few moments, the knocking subsided and Sebastian let out a sigh of relief before turning back to the ceiling.
But then the knocking started again, and Sebastian felt a flare of anger. He rolled out of bed and stalked toward the door, ready to rip whoever was knocking another one, but the moment he flung the door open, all anger bled from his system like it had never existed, bringing him back to the numb place he’d been since his mother had called on Saturday.
He blinked, and it took a moment to register who stood on the other side of the door, but even when he did, it didn’t make sense.
“Hi,” Blaine said, dropping his hand from the door self-consciously.
“What are you doing here?” Sebastian asked, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. Considering the way Blaine’s face fell, it probably came out coldly, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
But Blaine recovered himself quickly and gave Sebastian a wan smile. “I’m here for you, obviously. I called your office as promised and they want you to take the week off.” His expression softened. “And I’m all yours for the week, too.”
Sebastian stared at him blankly. “What?”
Blaine bit his lip. “I went into work today and took the rest of the week off.” He scratched the back of his neck and ducked his head. “I may have told them my grandmother passed away, but hey.”
“You lied?”
Blaine shrugged, blushing. “I doubt I would’ve gotten more than a day if I said my boyfriend’s grandmother had passed away, and I wanted to be here.”
Sebastian nodded, something warming in his chest before it cooled again.
“But only if you want me here, of course,” he hastened to say when Sebastian remained silent. “I just want to help.”
Sebastian glanced down at the carry-on suitcase at Blaine’s feet and sighed to himself. “Blaine.”
“Yeah?”
“Come in.”
Blaine’s expression brightened and he grabbed his bag, so Sebastian figured he’d done something right as he stepped aside to let him in. Blaine put the bag against the wall, toed off his shoes, and turned to watch Sebastian shut the door.
“How is your family doing?” Blaine asked as Sebastian sat down on the edge of the bed.
“My mother’s a wreck,” Sebastian replied absently, thinking of the tear tracks on her cheeks when they met at the airport terminal, of her red eyes in the morning, and of her pallor while they sat in the funeral director’s office. “Jean’s doing what he can for her.”
Blaine frowned and stepped between Sebastian’s knees. He put his hands on Sebastian’s shoulders and rubbed a thumb over the exposed skin of his collarbone, and Sebastian trembled.
“Do you have any other family here?”
Sebastian shook his head. “My mother was an only child. And so am I.” He blinked. “And obviously my father won’t be here.” That phone call had been cursory, as Sebastian matter-of-factly informed him of the death and his father made a few empty platitudes to give to Julia before hanging up.
“When’s the funeral?”
“Thursday afternoon.”
Blaine nodded. “Can I do anything?”
Sebastian shook his head. “My mother’s not really letting anyone help with the arrangements.” She was obviously focusing her grief into practical tasks, which seemed so opposite of the bohemian painter Sebastian had known for most of his life, but he supposed it made sense she had that side to her as well since she had, at one point (he assumed), loved his father.
“My dad was the same when his mother died,” Blaine replied. “He wouldn’t let my mom do anything. He wanted to stay busy, I guess.”
Sebastian remained silent, having nothing to say to that other than acknowledgment. Mostly, he was just tired, but there was something about the feel of Blaine’s fingers on his skin…
“Kiss me,” Sebastian said suddenly.
Blaine’s fingers stopped and Sebastian looked up to see a surprised look on Blaine’s face. “What?”
“We’re alone in a hotel room and you said you wanted to help,” Sebastian clarified. “So kiss me.”
Blaine frowned but then he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sebastian’s, first gently and then more insistently, resting his hands on the sides of Sebastian’s face. Sebastian’s eyes shut; there was that feeling again as Blaine touched him-warm and tingling and alive. Sebastian reached up and cupped Blaine’s ass through his jeans. Blaine gasped in surprise and Sebastian pulled him closer, tongue pushing into his mouth.
Blaine groaned and Sebastian could feel those criminally-long eyelashes fluttering against his skin. Sebastian eased himself back onto the bed, pulling Blaine on top of him, moaning at the feel of Blaine pressing against his hardening cock. They shifted until they were on their sides and Blaine threw a leg over Sebastian’s as they made out like teenagers whose parents were coming home any minute.
Blaine’s hands roamed over Sebastian, under his shirt, into his hair, over his ass and under the leg of his cargo shorts. Sebastian felt sparks jolt through him at each touch, and it wasn’t long before he was hard. After days of numbness and fog, the clarity and life that came from touching Blaine was intoxicating. He needed more while he could still feel.
His fingers drifted from Blaine’s stomach where they were tracing patterns to palm Blaine’s erection. Blaine hissed and arched into the touch, and Sebastian used his other hand to start undoing the notches of Blaine’s belt. A moment later, Blaine froze and broke the kiss, but Sebastian kept working at Blaine’s belt determinedly.
“What are you doing?” Blaine asked breathlessly.
“Trying to get your belt off, Killer,” Sebastian replied as his fingers struggled to work.
Blaine put a hand over Sebastian’s, stopping him. “I see that,” he said, still catching his breath. “Why?”
Sebastian rolled his eyes before redoubling his efforts. He needed to be closer, to feel Blaine… “Why do you think?”
“Bas, stop.”
“That’s not what you were saying the other night.”
Blaine made a frustrated sound, pulling Sebastian’s hand away. “You also hadn’t just lost someone you loved the other night. You’re not yourself right now, and I’m not going to sleep with you like this.”
“That’s why I want to,” Sebastian murmured, though the fog was already starting to move back in as Blaine pulled away, sitting up cross-legged and making no effort to hide the bulge in his jeans.
“What?”
“To feel,” Sebastian replied sharply, forcing the fog to retreat momentarily. “I don’t feel anything, except with you.”
Blaine looked at him, eyes wide. “Bas-”
But the numbness was seeping back in again, weighing his limbs down and killing his hard on. He rolled onto his back and crossed his hands over his chest, eyes closing. “Never mind.”
“Sebastian.”
“I’m tired, Blaine.”
For a long moment, there was silence as Sebastian sat with his eyes shut. But finally there was rustling and the mattress shifted as Blaine rolled off the bed.
“I’ll just sleep on the couch.”
Sebastian made a noncommittal noise as he listened to Blaine move around the room, changing into pajamas, brushing his teeth, and making the pullout bed. Sebastian’s mother had made reservations at a Hilton Suites, but Sebastian hadn’t had any use for the kitchenette or couch since getting in early Sunday morning so hadn’t paid them any mind until now.
He heard the light switch off and springs creak as Blaine settled under the covers. “Goodnight Sebastian,” he said almost cautiously, and when he didn’t get a response he sighed but didn’t say anything else.
Sebastian listened to Blaine’s breathing into the early morning hours, but it never evened out in sleep.
-----
Wednesday evening found Blaine following Sebastian into a restaurant where they were set to meet Sebastian’s mother and her long-time boyfriend.
The day before, Sebastian’s mother had informed him that the funeral arrangements were being taken care of, so outside of being expected to speak on Thursday, he was obligation-free. At first Blaine had tried to get Sebastian out of the hotel room and had succeeded to the point of getting him to shower and change clothes before Sebastian shut down and retreated into himself once more.
They’d ended up ordering lunch and dinner in and watching whatever reality show was on. Blaine pulled out his laptop and looked for things to do in Portland for the next day but gave up on that when he saw the deadened look in Sebastian’s eyes as he watched television or moved listlessly around the room.
Blaine had never seen Sebastian like this, and it broke his heart to see the other boy, whose liveliness and confidence had first attracted Blaine in high school, completely detached and empty. Everyone grieved differently and Blaine didn’t want to interfere with however Sebastian needed to deal with the loss, but Blaine had the sinking suspicion that when Sebastian did start letting himself feel again, he was really going to fall apart.
Blaine had learned over the last months that Sebastian felt a lot more than people seemed to give him credit for; he was just good at putting up a smirking façade and throwing out an innuendo to hide it. But this loss had rocked him, so Blaine did the only thing he could-he stayed with Sebastian the way Sebastian had for him so many times already in their short relationship.
Wednesday had seemed destined to follow the same pattern as Tuesday until Sebastian’s mother had called mid-afternoon, asking to have dinner with Sebastian and Blaine. Over the last day and a half, Blaine had become increasingly suspicious that Sebastian had purposefully been trying to keep Blaine and his mother from meeting, and though Blaine wasn’t sure why, Sebastian’s reluctance to agree to the meal had only supported that suspicion.
Sebastian told the host in a flat voice that they were there for “Dubois, party of four,” and they were led to a table toward the back of the restaurant where a handsome couple sat. The woman looked up as they weaved through tables, and her expression shifted into a somber smile. She and her companion rose as Sebastian and Blaine approached.
Blaine couldn’t help but study Sebastian’s mother, looking for traces of his boyfriend in her features as she hugged her son. She was shorter than Sebastian, though she was thin like him. She wore her brown hair in a chic bob that accentuated her angular features. Sebastian looked a lot like his mother-except for the eyes. His mother’s were blue where Sebastian’s were green, though they shared a piercing quality.
Her knee-length floral skirt, draped blouse, wedge sandals and dangly earrings gave her a vintage but put together look that made Blaine like her immediately.
“This must be Blaine,” she said. Her voice had a musical quality, and Blaine thought he understood where Sebastian got his musical talent. “I’m Julia Dubois, Sebastian’s mother.” She nodded toward her companion. “This is Jean, my partner.”
“Hello,” he greeted in slightly accented English. Jean was tall with dark hair, and he wore a polo shirt tucked neatly into a pair of trousers. Blaine glanced between him and Julia and decided that they looked good together.
Julia also wore several bangles on her wrist that clinked as they shook hands.
“Blaine Anderson,” he replied. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both. I only wish it were under better circumstances.” He bit his lip. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Julia’s expression faltered for a moment but she nodded toward the two empty seats across from each other at the table. “Thank you. And thank you for being here for Sebastian. It’s not an easy job, I can attest,” she added teasingly.
Sebastian rolled his eyes as he sat down but otherwise didn’t reply. The table was quiet as they looked over their menus, though Blaine kept stealing glances at Sebastian and his mother, but once they’d ordered and the waiter had taken their menus away, Julia turned to Blaine.
“I apologize if I’m turning into one of those prying parents,” she said, “but Sebastian has been pretty tight-lipped about you. So tell me, how did you meet?”
Blaine glanced at Sebastian, curious, but the other boy looked away. Blaine frowned at him before shaking his head and turning back to Julia.
“We met at Dalton.” Blaine glossed over some of the details of their relationship junior year, including the slushie and subsequent surgery, saying only that they fell out of touch and later meet up again in New York by chance.
“By chance. Or maybe fate,” Julia said with a smile, glancing over at Sebastian.
“You know I don’t believe in that hocus pocus,” Sebastian said with a sigh.
Julia frowned at him. “Such a lack of imagination. How are you my son again?”
“I’m also Dad’s son,” Sebastian pointed out.
“In many ways,” Julia agreed, her voice taking on an odd affect, before turning back to Blaine. “I apologize. His father and I didn’t split amicably, as I’m sure he’s told you.”
“Don’t apologize,” Blaine replied. “I’m just happy to be here.”
Julia smiled as their food arrived, and the rest of dinner passed with Blaine telling Julia about himself and Julia sharing stories about Sebastian and France that Blaine would never had heard otherwise. He’d heard stories about Paris from Sebastian, but hearing about it from Julia, who had lived there for years, was something else entirely.
Blaine was enchanted. “It sounds wonderful.”
“You should visit,” Julia replied, taking a sip of wine. “Sebastian always visits for a few weeks in January. We’d love to have you.”
Blaine’s eyes widened. “Oh, wow. That would be incredible. But I couldn’t-”
“So it’s decided!” Julia said, clapping her hands to cut Blaine off, though she was smiling. “You’ll visit and we won’t take no for an answer, will we Jean?”
“Absolutely not,” Jean agreed. “One must see Paris with a Frenchman as a guide to truly see the beauty of the city.”
Blaine looked over at Sebastian, but he just shrugged and Blaine’s smile faltered before he spoke.
“I can’t wait.”
-----
The day of the funeral dawned warm and sunny. The idea of rain punctuating funerals had always appealed to Blaine’s sense of theatrics, but the few he’d been to had also been on sunny days. He tried to look at it as a sign that things would get better for those left behind, but he knew Sebastian would just roll his eyes if he told him as much.
Blaine had asked Sebastian after dinner the night before if he knew what he was going to say at the funeral, but Sebastian had ignored the question. But when Blaine woke up that morning, he rolled over on the pull-out to see Sebastian huddled over the desk, pen in hand as he worked.
Once they’d both showered and dressed in black suits, Blaine and Sebastian joined Julia, wearing a black dress and a birdcage veil, and Jean to drive to the cemetery. Sebastian’s grandmother, Andrea, hadn’t been religious but had belonged to the UU church later in life, so the ceremony would be outdoors, as she’d requested, rather than in a church and a UU pastor would oversee it.
The ceremony took place graveside and was attended by the small family as well as Andrea’s numerous friends, some from the Portland area where she’d eventually settled down and many others from around the world. Most stood up to tell stories about how they’d met Andrea backpacking through Europe or on holiday in Rio or walking the Great Wall of China or scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef, and Blaine found himself saddened by the fact he’d never get to meet such an amazing woman who, from the sound of it, didn’t leave a day unlived.
As more and more people shared anecdotes to celebrate Andrea Dubois’ life, Blaine felt Sebastian tensing up next to him. He reached between their chairs and took Sebastian’s hand, placing it on his leg and rubbing a thumb over the inside of his wrist. Slowly, Sebastian seemed to relax at the contact, and Blaine held on until Sebastian rose to speak. Blaine squeezed his hand one more time, getting a small squeeze in return, before letting go.
The crowd hushed as Sebastian took center stage. For a long moment, he looked at the casket, his blank expression shifting into something soft. And that was when Blaine knew Sebastian was going to be all right.
Then Sebastian looked up at the gathered group and took a deep breath. “My name is Sebastian, and Andrea Dubois was my grandmother.”
-----
After the funeral and reception, Blaine could tell that Sebastian was feeling raw and hollowed out as the day’s events really hit him. That moment before he’d spoken really seemed to have turned a corner for him emotions-wise. But instead of letting him sleep, Blaine borrowed Julia’s rental car and drove them until he found a small park a few miles from the hotel. It was dusk as he pulled into the parking lot, so the few stragglers in the park were just leaving.
Sebastian looked at him in confusion, but Blaine just nodded toward the playground and got out of the car. He pulled off his suit jacket and laid it out in the backseat, loosened his tie, and rolled up his shirt sleeves to his forearms. Sebastian watched him curiously before leaving the car and following suit. Once Sebastian shut the back passenger door, Blaine walked over to the playground and took a seat on one of the empty swings.
He waited and eventually Sebastian sat down on the swing next to him. Blaine shifted his weight from heels to toe to rock the swing while Sebastian kicked at the woodchips with his dress shoes.
“What are we doing here, Blaine?” Sebastian asked finally. He sounded tired.
Blaine shrugged as he watched a pair of kids run toward their mother, who was beckoning them to the car. Once they clambered into their seats and the minivan pulled out of the parking lot, Blaine and Sebastian were alone.
“Whatever you want.”
“Oh really?”
Blaine didn’t need to look over to know what look Sebastian had on his face. “Besides that.”
“Damn.”
Blaine couldn’t help but smile since there was more inflection in Sebastian’s voice now than he’d heard all week.
“I’m sorry,” Sebastian said after a period of silence that was only interrupted by the creak of the swing set chains.
“For what?” Blaine asked, nonplussed.
Sebastian’s face was shadowed in falling darkness, but Blaine could see his jaw working. “For this week. I just-” He shook his head. “I haven’t really been dealing very well, have I?”
“Everyone grieves differently.”
Sebastian snorted; it was an ugly sound that made Blaine’s skin crawl. “But grieving would involve actually dealing with it, wouldn’t it?”
“Bas-” Blaine started, but he wasn’t sure what to say after that.
“A lot of people have come and gone from my life,” Sebastian said, looking out over the empty park. “You’d think I’d be used to losing people by now, but it’s never been someone who actually stayed in my life.”
Blaine’s stomach twisted at the implications of that. “I’m sorry,” he said, though he wasn’t sure if it was for his own departure from Sebastian’s life or for the departure of others.
“Don’t be,” Sebastian replied dismissively. “It is what it is, and I don’t need pity.” He practically spat the last word and Blaine flinched.
They lapsed back into silence and Blaine leaned back back up to look at the sky; the first stars were appearing.
“Last week, I thought you might turn into one of them too,” Sebastian admitted.
Blaine jerked back to face Sebastian. “What?”
“When you left the apartment.”
Blaine bit his lip. “I said I was sorry for that. And I came back.”
“I know,” Sebastian agreed, though there was still something off about his voice that set Blaine’s teeth on edge. “But when you left I couldn’t help thinking, ‘Here we go again.’” He tilted his head to the side. “But really, that started when you ran after Hummel.”
Blaine frowned. “Do you really want to talk about this now?”
“No time like the present.”
If Blaine hadn’t been with Sebastian the entire day, he might’ve thought he was drunk, but no-Sebastian was stone cold sober, and that more than anything worried Blaine. Was he finally feeling the loss of his grandmother and taking it out on a nearby target?
“Sebastian-”
“You still love him.”
Blaine bristled and opened his mouth, but Sebastian cut him off.
“I thought so.”
Blaine’s eyes narrowed. “That’s not fair.”
“You’re still in love with your ex and you want to talk to me about fair?” Sebastian retorted.
He’s grieving, Blaine reminded himself as he shoved himself up from his swing and stepped in front of Sebastian, grabbing one swing chain to stop Sebastian from moving.
“Kurt was my first love, so yes, I still love him.” Sebastian opened his mouth, but Blaine didn’t give him the chance to speak. “And part of me is always going to love him. He was a big part of my life for several years. I can’t just erase that.” He shook his head. “And I wouldn’t want to either. But that doesn’t mean I want to get back together with him. I told you that you’re not my second choice, and I meant it.”
“So when you ran after him?”
“It was instinct,” Blaine admitted and Sebastian snorted. “But we talked. And I think I needed it.”
“Needed to chase after your ex who broke your heart and insulted your current boyfriend?” Sebastian asked coolly, raising an eyebrow.
But Blaine shook his head, not rising to the bait. “Closure,” he said. “I needed closure and I got it.”
“I’m not sure what says closure more than a year with no contact.”
The corner of Blaine’s lips twitched. “Oh? And what about us? Did we have closure?”
Sebastian’s mouth worked for several moments before he shrugged. “Touché.”
Blaine let go of the swing and nudged Sebastian’s knees apart so he could stand between them the way he had the night he’d gotten to Portland and wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s neck.
“Weren’t you mad at me?” Sebastian murmured tiredly, resting his head against Blaine’s stomach.
Blaine swallowed. “I was kind of freaked out. I heard a bit of what you guys were saying and it…” His shoulders slumped. “It was like high school all over again.”
“I do miss the blazer,” Sebastian mumbled into Blaine’s shirt.
Blaine barked out a surprised laugh. “No you don’t.”
“Mm, no. But I’m sorry I never saw you in the uniform. The bashful schoolboy thing was totally my kryptonite.”
“You’re an ass,” Blaine said without any heat. “You’re also changing the subject.”
“And?”
“Sebastian.”
“Fine.” Sebastian looked up at him, squinting slightly. “Do you want me to apologize for taking St. Hummel down a peg or three? Because I’m not sorry.”
Blaine sighed. “I didn’t think you would be.” And that was part of the problem.
“Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez don’t care about you, Blaine,” Sebastian said, eyebrows furrowing. “None of those people do. They were fair weather friends who dropped you for Kurt and now just want to judge you for having a life after his royal highness.”
“That doesn’t mean you need to give them something to judge,” Blaine replied, maybe a little petulantly. Sometimes, he thought, Sebastian made things harder for himself than necessary with his attitude.
Sebastian shrugged. “I don’t take scorn well.”
“I’ve noticed.” Blaine had so much more that he wanted to say, but he couldn’t find the words for any of it. And that, he supposed, left them at an impasse.
“I meant to thank you,” Sebastian said, breaking the quiet. “For everything you’ve done this week.” He rubbed his hands up and down Blaine’s sides, making Blaine shiver. “I couldn’t get myself off the couch and you just…took care of everything. I don’t usually like accepting help, but I just shut down.”
Blaine smiled then and pressed a gentle kiss to Sebastian’s lips. “I know you’ve never done the boyfriend thing before, but those are the kinds of things boyfriends do for each other.”
“Mm,” Sebastian hummed as he started untucking Blaine’s shirt. “I can think of something else boyfriends do for each other.”
-----
“Tell me about your grandmother?” Blaine murmured sleepily into Sebastian’s bare chest as Sebastian pulled a sheet up over them and wrapped his arms around Blaine’s shoulders.
For the first time in days, Sebastian felt real clarity and no threat of the fog moving back in. The healing power of sex. Or Blaine. Or sex with Blaine. It was probably the last one, but Sebastian was willing to give it more experiments, just to be sure.
“You heard my speech.”
“Tell me again?” Blaine peered up at Sebastian through his eyelashes and Sebastian mentally cursed his inability to deny that look anything. Blaine had undeniable puppy dog eyes on the best of days, but when he was blissed out post-orgasm, he was on another level of persuasiveness. It didn’t help that Sebastian was feeling content enough to go along with whatever Blaine wanted. “Or tell me something you didn’t talk about today?”
He’d told Blaine a little bit about his relationship with his grandmother over their many coffee dates, but there was still a lot that he’d kept to himself. His grandmother had been his best kept secret since most people assumed he didn’t have human emotions, and he liked to keep it that way. But Blaine had seen more of him than anyone else.
“She would’ve liked you,” Sebastian said.
“Yeah?” Blaine looked pleased at that. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet her.”
“Me too.” He started rubbing circles on the back of Blaine’s neck, and Blaine sighed. “She traveled a lot.”
“So I gathered,” Blaine chuckled, and Sebastian could feel the vibration in his own chest.
“My grandfather passed away when my mother was little, but she never wanted to remarry. She traveled instead. And she took my mother a lot when she was younger, too,” Sebastian said. “She even enrolled my mother in a Parisian school for a couple of years when she was a teenager. I think that’s why she settled in Paris after the divorce.”
“I like your mom,” Blaine said with a dopey grin that Sebastian couldn’t help but return. He liked that he got to see this side of Blaine, with his guard down and every expression completely genuine. It made sharing the memories he kept so close to the vest easier.
“She likes you too.”
“Tell me something else.”
“Bossy.”
Blaine pinched Sebastian lightly in the side and Sebastian squirmed away. “Fine. I lived with her for a year when my parents were separating.” He was pretty sure he’d told Blaine that already, but Blaine seemed to like hearing these sorts of things again anyway.
“In Portland?”
Sebastian nodded. “She settled down here when she decided she was too old to travel anymore. But she said she liked being on the coast because it made her feel like she could go anywhere if she wanted to.”
Blaine smiled. “A free spirit.”
Sebastian nodded in agreement. “She was also the first person I came out to. I was twelve.” Blaine looked at him in surprise and Sebastian shrugged. “I didn’t tell my parents until I was fourteen. After that, I bounced between my grandmother and mother for a couple of years before ending up at Dalton. I hadn’t seen her for a few years, but we talked pretty regularly.”
Talking to her had been so easy; she never judged Sebastian, even when he confessed some of the more horrible things he’d done, like hurting Blaine. She’d been the first one Sebastian had called after he’d heard about David Karofsky too, and she’d talked him down from a panic attack then helped him come up with a way to direct his nervous energy into something productive-taking donations at Regionals.
“She also had a wicked sense of humor,” Sebastian said, lips twitching upward. “She always had some kind of comeback ready. I remember that it drove my dad insane whenever she would visit.”
“Sounds like that runs in the family,” Blaine said, his expression soft. “She sounds amazing.”
“She was.”
“Well,” Blaine said, his eyes drooping shut. “So are you.”
And you’re a lifesaver, Sebastian thought, pulling Blaine closer.
-----
Next installment: In Closer Bonds
Author: purplehrdwonder
Rating: PG-13
Genre/pairing: Sebastian/Blaine
Characters: Blaine, Sebastian, Sebastian's mother
Word count: 6,150
Spoilers: Through 4x22
Warnings: This installment deals with the death of an OC, so tread carefully if that might be problematic.
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Summary: Sebastian had completely shut down in his grief, so Blaine did the only thing he could-he stayed with Sebastian the way Sebastian had for him so many times already in their short relationship. Seventh in the Not Words 'verse.
Author’s Note: The title comes from a C.S. Lewis quote: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”
Also, I’m absolutely thrilled that the amazing leaf-falling made a graphics set for the Not Words ‘verse. It’s beautiful, so check it out and give her lots of love.
So Like Fear
Sebastian woke up slowly, loose-limbed and sated as he smelled sweat tinged with raspberries. The scent was familiar, so he opened his eyes and was greeted with a mess of dark curls poking out from broken gel. He blinked before registering the feel of another body in his arms. He tensed as his eyes widened. Wait, wha-
Blaine.
Right. He relaxed again, eyes slipping shut again as he melted back into the mattress with a content sigh.
But memories of the fight flashed across his mind’s eye and every trace of happiness rushed out of him, leaving a boulder of cold dread in its wake.
It was a good sign that Blaine was still there in his bed, but that could change in an instant; they’d said things designed to hurt each other, and for those few agonizing minutes after Blaine had walked out the door, Sebastian had thought he’d lost the best thing in his life for good.
Of course, that had also been the moment he’d realized that Blaine was, in fact, the best thing in his life, which only made things worse.
That reaction had both blindsided and scared the shit out of him. Sebastian had never expected (or wanted) to need another person in his life, but Blaine had gotten under his skin and into his heart without even trying; the prospect of losing him had shaken Sebastian to the core and left him raw.
“Mm, morning,” Blaine murmured in a gravelly voice as Sebastian pressed a lingering kiss to the back of his neck.
“Morning.”
Sebastian tightened his grip around Blaine’s waist as the other boy stirred into wakefulness. They’d shifted in the night, so Blaine’s back was pressed to Sebastian’s chest; Sebastian had an arm draped over Blaine’s waist, and Blaine had loosely entwined their fingers while their feet remained tangled together. Sebastian ran his foot up and down Blaine’s calf and Blaine shivered.
“You’re still here,” he murmured into Blaine’s shoulder.
“Where else would I be?” Blaine replied, turning to look back at Sebastian with a curious look.
Sebastian shrugged. “A thousand miles from here? Or at least telling Sam and Tina what an asshole I am over coffee?”
Blaine huffed. “Bas.”
“Which,” Sebastian continued over the interruption, “you would totally be justified in saying. So.”
Blaine sighed and twisted in Sebastian’s arms so they were face-to-face. Blaine ran a hand down Sebastian’s arm, leaving goose bumps in his wake, and squeezed his hand. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?” He sniffed and grimaced. “Except maybe the shower.”
Not ready to let go quite yet, though, Sebastian rolled on top of Blaine, straddling his hips and leaning into Blaine’s space.
“And last night?” he murmured against Blaine’s ear. A faint blush tinged Blaine’s cheeks, and Sebastian couldn’t help but smirk before asking more seriously, “Do you regret it?”
Sebastian was always wary when Blaine had time to think, to let doubt set in, because, if Sebastian was being honest (which was generally not his policy), every day he had with Blaine felt like a dream and he was still waiting to wake up.
Blaine’s eyes widened. “What? No, of course not.”
The response sounded a little too hurried for Sebastian’s comfort, so he sat up and arched an eyebrow in response.
Blaine pushed himself up onto his elbows. “I told you when we started this that I don’t do casual, Sebastian. And I meant that.” He shook his head, his expression turning wry. “So, in case it didn’t sink into that thick skull of yours, last night? That was a commitment. To whatever this is and to wherever it goes, no matter how messy it gets.”
“Messy is my specialty.” Sebastian’s lips had twitched into a smirk before he’d realized what he’d said.
Blaine’s smile took on a slightly pained tinge and Sebastian mentally kicked himself. Shit.
“Yeah,” Blaine murmured, looking down.
“Blaine-”
“We still need to talk,” Blaine replied, tightening his grip on Sebastian’s hand. His lips twitched upward. “But shower first. And coffee.”
Not one to argue with coffee, Sebastian rolled off Blaine and allowed him to climb out of bed. He reclined against the pillows to enjoy the view as Blaine walked across the living room to the bathroom, not bothering with a sheet for modesty (not that Sebastian would’ve let him take it because, hey, he had eyes and he’d been waiting a long time for that view). Sebastian had never considered that he might have a domesticity kink, but Blaine’s obvious comfort in Sebastian’s space was definitely doing something for him.
He eventually got out of bed, dressed, and left a change of clothes and towel for Blaine in the bathroom before picking up the clothes they’d discarded the night before and starting coffee. He was pulling two mugs out of the cupboard when his phone went off. Wondering who would be calling early on a Saturday, Sebastian grabbed his phone off the coffee table and frowned at the caller ID: Julia Dubois.
“Mom?” he greeted carefully. They usually talked once a month or so, and he wasn’t expecting to hear from her for a few weeks at least.
“Hi honey,” Julia replied. There was something off about her voice that Sebastian couldn’t quite place.
“This isn’t exactly a good time,” Sebastian said, glancing back toward the bathroom where the shower was still running. “Can it wait?”
“No.” She inhaled shakily. “Listen, Sebastian. I have some bad news…”
-----
Blaine stepped out of the bathroom in a rolled up pair of Sebastian’s sweats and a t-shirt, running a towel over his wet curls as he contemplated what he was going to say about the previous day. He didn’t want to start another fight, but they really did need to talk. He looked around and saw Sebastian sitting on the edge of his couch, his phone hanging loosely in his fingers.
“Hey,” Blaine said, approaching the other boy. Alarm bells started going off in his head, though, when he saw the blank look on Sebastian’s face as he stared at his phone. “Everything all right?”
As though coming out of a daze, Sebastian shook himself and glanced up at Blaine. He looked pale. Blaine dropped the towel into an empty chair and sat down next to him.
“I just got a call from my mother.” There was something wrong with his voice-it was flat in a way Blaine had never heard before. Worry started gnawing at his gut the longer Sebastian took to speak. “My grandmother died. The funeral is this week.”
“Oh, Bas,” Blaine breathed, stomach twisting into a knot as he reached for the other boy’s hand. “I’m so sorry.”
Sebastian’s maternal grandmother had been one of the few steadily supportive presences in his life both before and after he’d come out. Sebastian had lived with her for a year when his parents were messily separating, and they’d remained close even when Sebastian wasn’t on the greatest terms with either of his parents years later. From what Blaine had gleaned from their few discussions about her, she was one of the few permanent fixtures in Sebastian’s life, and now he’d lost her as an anchor.
“My mother is flying to Portland for the funeral and has a layover in New York,” Sebastian added, voice still flat. He nodded toward a pad of paper in front of him on the coffee table. “She gave me her flight and hotel information.” He shook his head. “I just- I don’t really know what to do now.”
Blaine pulled Sebastian’s phone from his hand and placed it on the coffee table and grabbed the pad of paper, glancing over Sebastian’s scrawled handwriting. Then he looked back at Sebastian, a plan already starting to form involving flight reservations and packing.
“Now you let me help.”
-----
Incessant knocking pulled Sebastian from his reverie as he lay on his hotel bed Monday night staring at the ceiling. His phone was on silent and he hadn’t bothered checking it since leaving his mother and Jean after an unbearably quiet dinner. Sebastian glanced at the door and hoped that if he ignored the knocking, whoever was on the other side would just leave him alone. After a few moments, the knocking subsided and Sebastian let out a sigh of relief before turning back to the ceiling.
But then the knocking started again, and Sebastian felt a flare of anger. He rolled out of bed and stalked toward the door, ready to rip whoever was knocking another one, but the moment he flung the door open, all anger bled from his system like it had never existed, bringing him back to the numb place he’d been since his mother had called on Saturday.
He blinked, and it took a moment to register who stood on the other side of the door, but even when he did, it didn’t make sense.
“Hi,” Blaine said, dropping his hand from the door self-consciously.
“What are you doing here?” Sebastian asked, trying to make sense of what he was seeing. Considering the way Blaine’s face fell, it probably came out coldly, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
But Blaine recovered himself quickly and gave Sebastian a wan smile. “I’m here for you, obviously. I called your office as promised and they want you to take the week off.” His expression softened. “And I’m all yours for the week, too.”
Sebastian stared at him blankly. “What?”
Blaine bit his lip. “I went into work today and took the rest of the week off.” He scratched the back of his neck and ducked his head. “I may have told them my grandmother passed away, but hey.”
“You lied?”
Blaine shrugged, blushing. “I doubt I would’ve gotten more than a day if I said my boyfriend’s grandmother had passed away, and I wanted to be here.”
Sebastian nodded, something warming in his chest before it cooled again.
“But only if you want me here, of course,” he hastened to say when Sebastian remained silent. “I just want to help.”
Sebastian glanced down at the carry-on suitcase at Blaine’s feet and sighed to himself. “Blaine.”
“Yeah?”
“Come in.”
Blaine’s expression brightened and he grabbed his bag, so Sebastian figured he’d done something right as he stepped aside to let him in. Blaine put the bag against the wall, toed off his shoes, and turned to watch Sebastian shut the door.
“How is your family doing?” Blaine asked as Sebastian sat down on the edge of the bed.
“My mother’s a wreck,” Sebastian replied absently, thinking of the tear tracks on her cheeks when they met at the airport terminal, of her red eyes in the morning, and of her pallor while they sat in the funeral director’s office. “Jean’s doing what he can for her.”
Blaine frowned and stepped between Sebastian’s knees. He put his hands on Sebastian’s shoulders and rubbed a thumb over the exposed skin of his collarbone, and Sebastian trembled.
“Do you have any other family here?”
Sebastian shook his head. “My mother was an only child. And so am I.” He blinked. “And obviously my father won’t be here.” That phone call had been cursory, as Sebastian matter-of-factly informed him of the death and his father made a few empty platitudes to give to Julia before hanging up.
“When’s the funeral?”
“Thursday afternoon.”
Blaine nodded. “Can I do anything?”
Sebastian shook his head. “My mother’s not really letting anyone help with the arrangements.” She was obviously focusing her grief into practical tasks, which seemed so opposite of the bohemian painter Sebastian had known for most of his life, but he supposed it made sense she had that side to her as well since she had, at one point (he assumed), loved his father.
“My dad was the same when his mother died,” Blaine replied. “He wouldn’t let my mom do anything. He wanted to stay busy, I guess.”
Sebastian remained silent, having nothing to say to that other than acknowledgment. Mostly, he was just tired, but there was something about the feel of Blaine’s fingers on his skin…
“Kiss me,” Sebastian said suddenly.
Blaine’s fingers stopped and Sebastian looked up to see a surprised look on Blaine’s face. “What?”
“We’re alone in a hotel room and you said you wanted to help,” Sebastian clarified. “So kiss me.”
Blaine frowned but then he leaned forward and pressed his lips to Sebastian’s, first gently and then more insistently, resting his hands on the sides of Sebastian’s face. Sebastian’s eyes shut; there was that feeling again as Blaine touched him-warm and tingling and alive. Sebastian reached up and cupped Blaine’s ass through his jeans. Blaine gasped in surprise and Sebastian pulled him closer, tongue pushing into his mouth.
Blaine groaned and Sebastian could feel those criminally-long eyelashes fluttering against his skin. Sebastian eased himself back onto the bed, pulling Blaine on top of him, moaning at the feel of Blaine pressing against his hardening cock. They shifted until they were on their sides and Blaine threw a leg over Sebastian’s as they made out like teenagers whose parents were coming home any minute.
Blaine’s hands roamed over Sebastian, under his shirt, into his hair, over his ass and under the leg of his cargo shorts. Sebastian felt sparks jolt through him at each touch, and it wasn’t long before he was hard. After days of numbness and fog, the clarity and life that came from touching Blaine was intoxicating. He needed more while he could still feel.
His fingers drifted from Blaine’s stomach where they were tracing patterns to palm Blaine’s erection. Blaine hissed and arched into the touch, and Sebastian used his other hand to start undoing the notches of Blaine’s belt. A moment later, Blaine froze and broke the kiss, but Sebastian kept working at Blaine’s belt determinedly.
“What are you doing?” Blaine asked breathlessly.
“Trying to get your belt off, Killer,” Sebastian replied as his fingers struggled to work.
Blaine put a hand over Sebastian’s, stopping him. “I see that,” he said, still catching his breath. “Why?”
Sebastian rolled his eyes before redoubling his efforts. He needed to be closer, to feel Blaine… “Why do you think?”
“Bas, stop.”
“That’s not what you were saying the other night.”
Blaine made a frustrated sound, pulling Sebastian’s hand away. “You also hadn’t just lost someone you loved the other night. You’re not yourself right now, and I’m not going to sleep with you like this.”
“That’s why I want to,” Sebastian murmured, though the fog was already starting to move back in as Blaine pulled away, sitting up cross-legged and making no effort to hide the bulge in his jeans.
“What?”
“To feel,” Sebastian replied sharply, forcing the fog to retreat momentarily. “I don’t feel anything, except with you.”
Blaine looked at him, eyes wide. “Bas-”
But the numbness was seeping back in again, weighing his limbs down and killing his hard on. He rolled onto his back and crossed his hands over his chest, eyes closing. “Never mind.”
“Sebastian.”
“I’m tired, Blaine.”
For a long moment, there was silence as Sebastian sat with his eyes shut. But finally there was rustling and the mattress shifted as Blaine rolled off the bed.
“I’ll just sleep on the couch.”
Sebastian made a noncommittal noise as he listened to Blaine move around the room, changing into pajamas, brushing his teeth, and making the pullout bed. Sebastian’s mother had made reservations at a Hilton Suites, but Sebastian hadn’t had any use for the kitchenette or couch since getting in early Sunday morning so hadn’t paid them any mind until now.
He heard the light switch off and springs creak as Blaine settled under the covers. “Goodnight Sebastian,” he said almost cautiously, and when he didn’t get a response he sighed but didn’t say anything else.
Sebastian listened to Blaine’s breathing into the early morning hours, but it never evened out in sleep.
-----
Wednesday evening found Blaine following Sebastian into a restaurant where they were set to meet Sebastian’s mother and her long-time boyfriend.
The day before, Sebastian’s mother had informed him that the funeral arrangements were being taken care of, so outside of being expected to speak on Thursday, he was obligation-free. At first Blaine had tried to get Sebastian out of the hotel room and had succeeded to the point of getting him to shower and change clothes before Sebastian shut down and retreated into himself once more.
They’d ended up ordering lunch and dinner in and watching whatever reality show was on. Blaine pulled out his laptop and looked for things to do in Portland for the next day but gave up on that when he saw the deadened look in Sebastian’s eyes as he watched television or moved listlessly around the room.
Blaine had never seen Sebastian like this, and it broke his heart to see the other boy, whose liveliness and confidence had first attracted Blaine in high school, completely detached and empty. Everyone grieved differently and Blaine didn’t want to interfere with however Sebastian needed to deal with the loss, but Blaine had the sinking suspicion that when Sebastian did start letting himself feel again, he was really going to fall apart.
Blaine had learned over the last months that Sebastian felt a lot more than people seemed to give him credit for; he was just good at putting up a smirking façade and throwing out an innuendo to hide it. But this loss had rocked him, so Blaine did the only thing he could-he stayed with Sebastian the way Sebastian had for him so many times already in their short relationship.
Wednesday had seemed destined to follow the same pattern as Tuesday until Sebastian’s mother had called mid-afternoon, asking to have dinner with Sebastian and Blaine. Over the last day and a half, Blaine had become increasingly suspicious that Sebastian had purposefully been trying to keep Blaine and his mother from meeting, and though Blaine wasn’t sure why, Sebastian’s reluctance to agree to the meal had only supported that suspicion.
Sebastian told the host in a flat voice that they were there for “Dubois, party of four,” and they were led to a table toward the back of the restaurant where a handsome couple sat. The woman looked up as they weaved through tables, and her expression shifted into a somber smile. She and her companion rose as Sebastian and Blaine approached.
Blaine couldn’t help but study Sebastian’s mother, looking for traces of his boyfriend in her features as she hugged her son. She was shorter than Sebastian, though she was thin like him. She wore her brown hair in a chic bob that accentuated her angular features. Sebastian looked a lot like his mother-except for the eyes. His mother’s were blue where Sebastian’s were green, though they shared a piercing quality.
Her knee-length floral skirt, draped blouse, wedge sandals and dangly earrings gave her a vintage but put together look that made Blaine like her immediately.
“This must be Blaine,” she said. Her voice had a musical quality, and Blaine thought he understood where Sebastian got his musical talent. “I’m Julia Dubois, Sebastian’s mother.” She nodded toward her companion. “This is Jean, my partner.”
“Hello,” he greeted in slightly accented English. Jean was tall with dark hair, and he wore a polo shirt tucked neatly into a pair of trousers. Blaine glanced between him and Julia and decided that they looked good together.
Julia also wore several bangles on her wrist that clinked as they shook hands.
“Blaine Anderson,” he replied. “It’s a pleasure to meet you both. I only wish it were under better circumstances.” He bit his lip. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Julia’s expression faltered for a moment but she nodded toward the two empty seats across from each other at the table. “Thank you. And thank you for being here for Sebastian. It’s not an easy job, I can attest,” she added teasingly.
Sebastian rolled his eyes as he sat down but otherwise didn’t reply. The table was quiet as they looked over their menus, though Blaine kept stealing glances at Sebastian and his mother, but once they’d ordered and the waiter had taken their menus away, Julia turned to Blaine.
“I apologize if I’m turning into one of those prying parents,” she said, “but Sebastian has been pretty tight-lipped about you. So tell me, how did you meet?”
Blaine glanced at Sebastian, curious, but the other boy looked away. Blaine frowned at him before shaking his head and turning back to Julia.
“We met at Dalton.” Blaine glossed over some of the details of their relationship junior year, including the slushie and subsequent surgery, saying only that they fell out of touch and later meet up again in New York by chance.
“By chance. Or maybe fate,” Julia said with a smile, glancing over at Sebastian.
“You know I don’t believe in that hocus pocus,” Sebastian said with a sigh.
Julia frowned at him. “Such a lack of imagination. How are you my son again?”
“I’m also Dad’s son,” Sebastian pointed out.
“In many ways,” Julia agreed, her voice taking on an odd affect, before turning back to Blaine. “I apologize. His father and I didn’t split amicably, as I’m sure he’s told you.”
“Don’t apologize,” Blaine replied. “I’m just happy to be here.”
Julia smiled as their food arrived, and the rest of dinner passed with Blaine telling Julia about himself and Julia sharing stories about Sebastian and France that Blaine would never had heard otherwise. He’d heard stories about Paris from Sebastian, but hearing about it from Julia, who had lived there for years, was something else entirely.
Blaine was enchanted. “It sounds wonderful.”
“You should visit,” Julia replied, taking a sip of wine. “Sebastian always visits for a few weeks in January. We’d love to have you.”
Blaine’s eyes widened. “Oh, wow. That would be incredible. But I couldn’t-”
“So it’s decided!” Julia said, clapping her hands to cut Blaine off, though she was smiling. “You’ll visit and we won’t take no for an answer, will we Jean?”
“Absolutely not,” Jean agreed. “One must see Paris with a Frenchman as a guide to truly see the beauty of the city.”
Blaine looked over at Sebastian, but he just shrugged and Blaine’s smile faltered before he spoke.
“I can’t wait.”
-----
The day of the funeral dawned warm and sunny. The idea of rain punctuating funerals had always appealed to Blaine’s sense of theatrics, but the few he’d been to had also been on sunny days. He tried to look at it as a sign that things would get better for those left behind, but he knew Sebastian would just roll his eyes if he told him as much.
Blaine had asked Sebastian after dinner the night before if he knew what he was going to say at the funeral, but Sebastian had ignored the question. But when Blaine woke up that morning, he rolled over on the pull-out to see Sebastian huddled over the desk, pen in hand as he worked.
Once they’d both showered and dressed in black suits, Blaine and Sebastian joined Julia, wearing a black dress and a birdcage veil, and Jean to drive to the cemetery. Sebastian’s grandmother, Andrea, hadn’t been religious but had belonged to the UU church later in life, so the ceremony would be outdoors, as she’d requested, rather than in a church and a UU pastor would oversee it.
The ceremony took place graveside and was attended by the small family as well as Andrea’s numerous friends, some from the Portland area where she’d eventually settled down and many others from around the world. Most stood up to tell stories about how they’d met Andrea backpacking through Europe or on holiday in Rio or walking the Great Wall of China or scuba diving in the Great Barrier Reef, and Blaine found himself saddened by the fact he’d never get to meet such an amazing woman who, from the sound of it, didn’t leave a day unlived.
As more and more people shared anecdotes to celebrate Andrea Dubois’ life, Blaine felt Sebastian tensing up next to him. He reached between their chairs and took Sebastian’s hand, placing it on his leg and rubbing a thumb over the inside of his wrist. Slowly, Sebastian seemed to relax at the contact, and Blaine held on until Sebastian rose to speak. Blaine squeezed his hand one more time, getting a small squeeze in return, before letting go.
The crowd hushed as Sebastian took center stage. For a long moment, he looked at the casket, his blank expression shifting into something soft. And that was when Blaine knew Sebastian was going to be all right.
Then Sebastian looked up at the gathered group and took a deep breath. “My name is Sebastian, and Andrea Dubois was my grandmother.”
-----
After the funeral and reception, Blaine could tell that Sebastian was feeling raw and hollowed out as the day’s events really hit him. That moment before he’d spoken really seemed to have turned a corner for him emotions-wise. But instead of letting him sleep, Blaine borrowed Julia’s rental car and drove them until he found a small park a few miles from the hotel. It was dusk as he pulled into the parking lot, so the few stragglers in the park were just leaving.
Sebastian looked at him in confusion, but Blaine just nodded toward the playground and got out of the car. He pulled off his suit jacket and laid it out in the backseat, loosened his tie, and rolled up his shirt sleeves to his forearms. Sebastian watched him curiously before leaving the car and following suit. Once Sebastian shut the back passenger door, Blaine walked over to the playground and took a seat on one of the empty swings.
He waited and eventually Sebastian sat down on the swing next to him. Blaine shifted his weight from heels to toe to rock the swing while Sebastian kicked at the woodchips with his dress shoes.
“What are we doing here, Blaine?” Sebastian asked finally. He sounded tired.
Blaine shrugged as he watched a pair of kids run toward their mother, who was beckoning them to the car. Once they clambered into their seats and the minivan pulled out of the parking lot, Blaine and Sebastian were alone.
“Whatever you want.”
“Oh really?”
Blaine didn’t need to look over to know what look Sebastian had on his face. “Besides that.”
“Damn.”
Blaine couldn’t help but smile since there was more inflection in Sebastian’s voice now than he’d heard all week.
“I’m sorry,” Sebastian said after a period of silence that was only interrupted by the creak of the swing set chains.
“For what?” Blaine asked, nonplussed.
Sebastian’s face was shadowed in falling darkness, but Blaine could see his jaw working. “For this week. I just-” He shook his head. “I haven’t really been dealing very well, have I?”
“Everyone grieves differently.”
Sebastian snorted; it was an ugly sound that made Blaine’s skin crawl. “But grieving would involve actually dealing with it, wouldn’t it?”
“Bas-” Blaine started, but he wasn’t sure what to say after that.
“A lot of people have come and gone from my life,” Sebastian said, looking out over the empty park. “You’d think I’d be used to losing people by now, but it’s never been someone who actually stayed in my life.”
Blaine’s stomach twisted at the implications of that. “I’m sorry,” he said, though he wasn’t sure if it was for his own departure from Sebastian’s life or for the departure of others.
“Don’t be,” Sebastian replied dismissively. “It is what it is, and I don’t need pity.” He practically spat the last word and Blaine flinched.
They lapsed back into silence and Blaine leaned back back up to look at the sky; the first stars were appearing.
“Last week, I thought you might turn into one of them too,” Sebastian admitted.
Blaine jerked back to face Sebastian. “What?”
“When you left the apartment.”
Blaine bit his lip. “I said I was sorry for that. And I came back.”
“I know,” Sebastian agreed, though there was still something off about his voice that set Blaine’s teeth on edge. “But when you left I couldn’t help thinking, ‘Here we go again.’” He tilted his head to the side. “But really, that started when you ran after Hummel.”
Blaine frowned. “Do you really want to talk about this now?”
“No time like the present.”
If Blaine hadn’t been with Sebastian the entire day, he might’ve thought he was drunk, but no-Sebastian was stone cold sober, and that more than anything worried Blaine. Was he finally feeling the loss of his grandmother and taking it out on a nearby target?
“Sebastian-”
“You still love him.”
Blaine bristled and opened his mouth, but Sebastian cut him off.
“I thought so.”
Blaine’s eyes narrowed. “That’s not fair.”
“You’re still in love with your ex and you want to talk to me about fair?” Sebastian retorted.
He’s grieving, Blaine reminded himself as he shoved himself up from his swing and stepped in front of Sebastian, grabbing one swing chain to stop Sebastian from moving.
“Kurt was my first love, so yes, I still love him.” Sebastian opened his mouth, but Blaine didn’t give him the chance to speak. “And part of me is always going to love him. He was a big part of my life for several years. I can’t just erase that.” He shook his head. “And I wouldn’t want to either. But that doesn’t mean I want to get back together with him. I told you that you’re not my second choice, and I meant it.”
“So when you ran after him?”
“It was instinct,” Blaine admitted and Sebastian snorted. “But we talked. And I think I needed it.”
“Needed to chase after your ex who broke your heart and insulted your current boyfriend?” Sebastian asked coolly, raising an eyebrow.
But Blaine shook his head, not rising to the bait. “Closure,” he said. “I needed closure and I got it.”
“I’m not sure what says closure more than a year with no contact.”
The corner of Blaine’s lips twitched. “Oh? And what about us? Did we have closure?”
Sebastian’s mouth worked for several moments before he shrugged. “Touché.”
Blaine let go of the swing and nudged Sebastian’s knees apart so he could stand between them the way he had the night he’d gotten to Portland and wrapped his arms around Sebastian’s neck.
“Weren’t you mad at me?” Sebastian murmured tiredly, resting his head against Blaine’s stomach.
Blaine swallowed. “I was kind of freaked out. I heard a bit of what you guys were saying and it…” His shoulders slumped. “It was like high school all over again.”
“I do miss the blazer,” Sebastian mumbled into Blaine’s shirt.
Blaine barked out a surprised laugh. “No you don’t.”
“Mm, no. But I’m sorry I never saw you in the uniform. The bashful schoolboy thing was totally my kryptonite.”
“You’re an ass,” Blaine said without any heat. “You’re also changing the subject.”
“And?”
“Sebastian.”
“Fine.” Sebastian looked up at him, squinting slightly. “Do you want me to apologize for taking St. Hummel down a peg or three? Because I’m not sorry.”
Blaine sighed. “I didn’t think you would be.” And that was part of the problem.
“Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez don’t care about you, Blaine,” Sebastian said, eyebrows furrowing. “None of those people do. They were fair weather friends who dropped you for Kurt and now just want to judge you for having a life after his royal highness.”
“That doesn’t mean you need to give them something to judge,” Blaine replied, maybe a little petulantly. Sometimes, he thought, Sebastian made things harder for himself than necessary with his attitude.
Sebastian shrugged. “I don’t take scorn well.”
“I’ve noticed.” Blaine had so much more that he wanted to say, but he couldn’t find the words for any of it. And that, he supposed, left them at an impasse.
“I meant to thank you,” Sebastian said, breaking the quiet. “For everything you’ve done this week.” He rubbed his hands up and down Blaine’s sides, making Blaine shiver. “I couldn’t get myself off the couch and you just…took care of everything. I don’t usually like accepting help, but I just shut down.”
Blaine smiled then and pressed a gentle kiss to Sebastian’s lips. “I know you’ve never done the boyfriend thing before, but those are the kinds of things boyfriends do for each other.”
“Mm,” Sebastian hummed as he started untucking Blaine’s shirt. “I can think of something else boyfriends do for each other.”
-----
“Tell me about your grandmother?” Blaine murmured sleepily into Sebastian’s bare chest as Sebastian pulled a sheet up over them and wrapped his arms around Blaine’s shoulders.
For the first time in days, Sebastian felt real clarity and no threat of the fog moving back in. The healing power of sex. Or Blaine. Or sex with Blaine. It was probably the last one, but Sebastian was willing to give it more experiments, just to be sure.
“You heard my speech.”
“Tell me again?” Blaine peered up at Sebastian through his eyelashes and Sebastian mentally cursed his inability to deny that look anything. Blaine had undeniable puppy dog eyes on the best of days, but when he was blissed out post-orgasm, he was on another level of persuasiveness. It didn’t help that Sebastian was feeling content enough to go along with whatever Blaine wanted. “Or tell me something you didn’t talk about today?”
He’d told Blaine a little bit about his relationship with his grandmother over their many coffee dates, but there was still a lot that he’d kept to himself. His grandmother had been his best kept secret since most people assumed he didn’t have human emotions, and he liked to keep it that way. But Blaine had seen more of him than anyone else.
“She would’ve liked you,” Sebastian said.
“Yeah?” Blaine looked pleased at that. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet her.”
“Me too.” He started rubbing circles on the back of Blaine’s neck, and Blaine sighed. “She traveled a lot.”
“So I gathered,” Blaine chuckled, and Sebastian could feel the vibration in his own chest.
“My grandfather passed away when my mother was little, but she never wanted to remarry. She traveled instead. And she took my mother a lot when she was younger, too,” Sebastian said. “She even enrolled my mother in a Parisian school for a couple of years when she was a teenager. I think that’s why she settled in Paris after the divorce.”
“I like your mom,” Blaine said with a dopey grin that Sebastian couldn’t help but return. He liked that he got to see this side of Blaine, with his guard down and every expression completely genuine. It made sharing the memories he kept so close to the vest easier.
“She likes you too.”
“Tell me something else.”
“Bossy.”
Blaine pinched Sebastian lightly in the side and Sebastian squirmed away. “Fine. I lived with her for a year when my parents were separating.” He was pretty sure he’d told Blaine that already, but Blaine seemed to like hearing these sorts of things again anyway.
“In Portland?”
Sebastian nodded. “She settled down here when she decided she was too old to travel anymore. But she said she liked being on the coast because it made her feel like she could go anywhere if she wanted to.”
Blaine smiled. “A free spirit.”
Sebastian nodded in agreement. “She was also the first person I came out to. I was twelve.” Blaine looked at him in surprise and Sebastian shrugged. “I didn’t tell my parents until I was fourteen. After that, I bounced between my grandmother and mother for a couple of years before ending up at Dalton. I hadn’t seen her for a few years, but we talked pretty regularly.”
Talking to her had been so easy; she never judged Sebastian, even when he confessed some of the more horrible things he’d done, like hurting Blaine. She’d been the first one Sebastian had called after he’d heard about David Karofsky too, and she’d talked him down from a panic attack then helped him come up with a way to direct his nervous energy into something productive-taking donations at Regionals.
“She also had a wicked sense of humor,” Sebastian said, lips twitching upward. “She always had some kind of comeback ready. I remember that it drove my dad insane whenever she would visit.”
“Sounds like that runs in the family,” Blaine said, his expression soft. “She sounds amazing.”
“She was.”
“Well,” Blaine said, his eyes drooping shut. “So are you.”
And you’re a lifesaver, Sebastian thought, pulling Blaine closer.
-----
Next installment: In Closer Bonds