Fic: The Heart, Forever Inexperienced [Glee]
Title: The Heart, Forever Inexperienced
Author: purplehrdwonder
Rating: PG-13
Genre/pairing: Sebastian/Blaine
Characters: Blaine, Sebastian, Sebastian's mother, peripheral Tina, Sam
Word count: 4,500
Spoilers: Through 4x22
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Summary: Blaine really thought he was moving on, but he'd been too caught up wallowing in his heartbreak to open up completely. Third in the Not Words 'verse.
Author’s Note: This follows “Not Words But Meanings” and “No Remedy For Love” and probably won’t make much sense without having read those. Title, as usual, comes from a Thoreau quote: “The heart is forever inexperienced.”
The Heart, Forever Inexperienced
It wasn’t until they were both back in New York that they saw each other again. Blaine’s brother had gotten into town the day after their park adventure and monopolized all Blaine’s time, and Sebastian had left for Paris on Boxing Day, staying with his mother until he had to return for classes in mid-January.
There was something liberating about spending those weeks in France; Julia was a free-spirited painter who generally left Sebastian to his own devices when he visited, her preferred parenting style being that he should make his own mistakes and live before he followed his father’s footsteps into law. Her longtime boyfriend, Jean, was decent enough, Sebastian supposed, but he couldn’t say he knew the man well.
The day he’d gotten off the plane and met his mother, she’d hugged him and then stepped back, hands clasped around his upper arms, looking him up and down.
“Something’s different about you,” she mused.
Sebastian raised an eyebrow; he’d last seen his mother for a couple of weeks in July, so undoubtedly many somethings about him were different to her. “I’m a New Yorker now,” he replied with a smirk. “I have the subway pass to prove it.”
Julia snorted and shook her head. “No, that’s not it.” She bit her lip and kept peering at him as they collected his baggage and returned to the apartment she shared with Jean. Her artwork was littered through the space, which doubled as her studio.
She knocked on the guest room door as he was unpacking after dinner. Sebastian was dead on his feet from jet lag, so was planning to send Blaine a quick message on Facebook to say that he’d arrived and then sleep for about twelve hours. He turned to see her leaning against the doorway with her arms crossed and a small smile on her lips.
“There’s someone,” she said.
Sebastian started. “What?”
“That’s what’s different,” Julia clarified. “There’s someone back in the States, isn’t there?”
“I-”
“Your entire aura is different, “Julia explained. Sebastian rolled his eyes at the hippie-sounding logic, but she plowed on. “You’re carrying yourself different. You seem looser, but also more upright. And you’ve been smiling,” she added as though that was the most damning piece of evidence she could offer.
“I smile,” Sebastian argued, indignant.
But Julia shook her head. “You smirk,” she corrected, though there was no judgment in her voice. She moved to sit on the bed next to his open suitcase and ran an absent hand around the edges. “But you’ve smiled more today than you did the entire time you were here over the summer. So tell me about him.”
Sebastian considered his words carefully, wondering if there was even anything to tell. Blaine was his friend-a friend who hadn’t given Sebastian any hints of interest beyond friendship until that evening in the park.
That had been a good night, Sebastian mused.
They laid in the snow, Blaine trying to catch some snowflakes on his tongue while Sebastian was distracted by the ones sticking to Blaine’s criminally-long eyelashes. Blaine wanted to make snow angels as well and Sebastian rolled out of the way and laughed while Blaine waved his arms and legs back and forth. His laughter earned him another snowball in the face for his trouble while Blaine smirked in victory.
Eventually, though, they’d conceded defeat to the snow, cold and wet as they were, so headed back to Sebastian’s car. They weren’t touching as they walked, but they did crowd each other’s space. Once they got back in the car, Sebastian turned on the heat full blast and Blaine sighed in relief when he started thawing out a few moments later. Sebastian laughed and Blaine glared weakly at him as they pulled out of the parking lot.
“You’re the one who had the bright idea to stuff snow down my back,” Blaine accused, crossing his arms petulantly.
“And you wanted to have a wrestling match in the snow,” Sebastian retorted without an ounce of regret.
“Obligatory payback.”
“Well, that didn’t end up so badly after all,” Sebastian said.
He glanced at Blaine out of the corner of his eye, searching for some clue from the other boy as to how he was reacting to what had happened. Blaine was still stinging over his last relationship, and with all the baggage between them, Sebastian was expecting regret to set in for Blaine at any moment.
He wasn’t sure how he’d feel once that inevitably happened-hurt, no doubt, but still wanting Blaine around in any capacity. After all, he was pretty sure it was too late for him when it came to Blaine, which was simultaneously terrifying and comforting-a leap over a seemingly bottomless chasm and a net stretched out beneath him all at the same time.
Because, watching Blaine when he’d stood atop the jungle gym with his arms spread wide and face tilted back to the sky, Sebastian was certain he’d stopped breathing. He’d never seen Blaine look like that-so open and free.
He looked alive.
He’d always thought that Blaine came to life on stage, embodying the music or role he was performing in a way Sebastian had never seen before, but performances couldn’t compare to what he’d witnessed, not when there was a wall between Blaine and the audience-the role.
But the moment in the park had seemed almost intimate, as Blaine dropped every wall and mask and just allowed himself to be.
He’d never been more beautiful.
“No,” Blaine agreed with a small smile. “It didn’t.”
Sebastian’s shoulders loosened in relief, and the rest of the relatively short drive passed by in comfortable silence. Sebastian pulled into the Andersons’ driveway and put the car in park.
“Thanks for today,” Blaine said, turning to look at Sebastian. “It was nice to just… let loose.”
“The pleasure was all mine,” Sebastian replied, lips twitching into a smirk. Sebastian had never been so electrified by a simple kiss. His entire body still felt like a livewire, nerves tingling everywhere Blaine had touched, even if it had been through a coat.
When it came to Blaine Anderson, Sebastian was coming to understand, there was no such thing as simple.
Blaine chuckled and shook his head. “Well, not all.”
Then he leaned in and Sebastian froze as Blaine pecked him on the lips before grabbing his bags from the back seat. He reached for the door, but glanced back; Sebastian hadn’t moved.
“Merry Christmas, Sebastian,” Blaine said with a soft smile.
“Merry Christmas,” Sebastian echoed as Blaine got out of the car and shut the door behind him.
Jesus Christ, he was in so much trouble.
“His name is Blaine,” Sebastian finally said. “And we’re just friends. There’s nothing else to tell.”
-----
The kiss in the Westerville park didn’t end up being the last one.
Sebastian and Blaine met up a few days after Blaine got back to New York, catching up over coffee at Aroma. Andrea wasn’t working that day, but their barista still gave them a knowing smile when they ordered their drinks. Sitting at what was becoming their table by the window, Blaine regaled Sebastian with stories about a Warbler reunion (which Blaine had been loath to attend but had anyway) that had devolved into a night of drunken karaoke, as Warbler parties were wont to do, and the New Directions New Year’s Eve party.
As it turned out, there had been two New Directions parties that night, one for the national champion team of Blaine’s junior year and one for the team of Blaine’s senior year-the one that Blaine referred to as his New Directions more than once, Sebastian noted with some interest. Blaine told Sebastian about one of the new members of New Directions-a “baby gay” named Bryan, Blaine said, who’d mostly been too shy to even look at him for most of the night (and Sebastian couldn’t help but be reminded of certain members of the Warblers Blaine had left behind, though he kept that to himself).
For his part, Sebastian told Blaine about Paris; Blaine devoured all of Sebastian’s stories about spending afternoons people watching at cafes or wandering through street boutiques. Sebastian had long since done all the touristy things at his mother’s behest, so he preferred to explore the more intimate areas of the city. Blaine listened with wide, wonder-filled eyes as Sebastian spoke, and Sebastian found himself drawing out his stories with as many details as he could just to keep Blaine looking at him like that.
It was getting late by the time they finished talking, and Blaine refused to let Sebastian walk him back to his apartment when it was so far in the opposite direction of campus. Instead, they lingered outside of the coffee ship, wrapped up in coats and scarves but not quite ready to go their separate ways.
Sebastian found himself glancing surreptitiously at Blaine as the other boy pulled his gloves on. They hadn’t talked about the kiss, and the entire evening had gone just like any of their other coffee outings with no indication that anything had changed. The more he thought about it-about the uncertainty of what the hell might be going on between them-the antsier he got. Sebastian wasn’t exactly the kind of guy to talk out his feelings, but the longer he had to wait for Blaine to tell him that no, the night in the park had been a mistake and they were just friends, the worse the rejection was going to be.
Blaine huffed, pulling Sebastian from his internal spiral. “Oh screw it,” he muttered before leaning up on his tip toes to kiss a startled Sebastian square on the lips. Sebastian’s eyes widened in surprise before they fluttered shut and he returned the kiss.
Blaine leaned back onto his heels and Sebastian followed him, leaning over slightly to deepen the kiss. He shivered when Blaine let out a breathy moan. They pulled apart-after what could’ve been seconds or hours for all that Sebastian could tell-and Sebastian opened his eyes to see a blush spreading across Blaine’s cheeks, though he was smiling.
“Goodnight Sebastian,” he said, voice slightly breathless, then turned and walked away.
Sebastian watched him disappear into the crowds dumbly.
Damn him.
-----
They didn’t talk about the second kiss either. Or the third after a study session at Aroma. Or the fourth when Blaine left Sebastian’s dorm after coming over to watch a movie and instead ended up playing video games with Sebastian’s roommate, James. Or the fifth when Sebastian walked Blaine back to his apartment despite Blaine’s protests after a movie marathon of Oscar nominees. Or the sixth after Blaine played his first open mic night back in the city despite not working on a project.
By the time Valentine’s Day rolled around, they’d done a whole lot of not talking.
Valentine’s Day fell on a Friday, and James had gone out to a club with some other guys on their hall; he’d said he wasn’t planning to come back for the night, and though Sebastian thought that was optimistic, he didn’t say anything (he was continuing to grow as a person). He’d entertained the idea of joining since Blaine had mentioned spending the night with Artie, Sam, and Tina but had eventually decided against it. Sebastian had never had much interest in Valentine’s Day, outside of the desperate singles gagging for anything they could get at Scandals, but Blaine seemed like the type to celebrate it.
Sebastian was decidedly not pondering what that said about their non-relationship at this point when there was a knock at his door. He frowned as he opened the door; he was ready to give James shit about striking out so early and forgetting his keys, but the words died on his lips when he realized it wasn’t his roommate at the door.
Blaine stood in the hallway, and he gave Sebastian a hesitant smile. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Sebastian greeted. “I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight.”
Blaine shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable. “Yeah, uh, Artie convinced Sam and Tina that the solution to loneliness on Valentine’s Day was a marathon of bittersweet romantic movies. I had to get out of there when they decided on Moulin Rouge followed by The Notebook.”
Blaine’s expression was carefully neutral-enough for Sebastian to recognize that he was shoving some emotion down. Considering that those movies seemed like ones Blaine would eat up, Sebastian had the sinking sensation he knew exactly what this was about.
“Anyway,” Blaine added, falsely bright, “I know you’re not really into,” he waved his hands around generally, “today, so I thought we could do something in protest. Unless you have plans,” he added hesitantly.
“No, that sounds good. What did you have in mind?”
Blaine’s idea turned out to be using their fake IDs-which Sebastian was moderately surprised to find out that Blaine still had-to go to a bar. They ended up at one not far from campus so they could walk back, and it was crowded with lonely singles. Blaine and Sebastian sat at the bar, and Sebastian’s eyes widened slightly when Blaine ordered a shot and saluted Sebastian with it before throwing it back.
He grimaced, and Sebastian found himself unable to pull his eyes from Blaine’s throat, the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as the alcohol burned on the way down. He took a steadying breath before pulling his gaze from Blaine and flagged down the bartender for a beer. He nursed the drink, swiveling on his stool to put his back to the bar while Blaine ordered another shot and then yet another.
Glancing over the room, Sebastian eyed the Valentine’s decorations with distaste and watched the desperately seekings moving on the dance floor, some keeping beat with the music better than others. He caught more than one man and woman checking Blaine out, which put Sebastian on edge-especially the more Blaine drank.
Sebastian glared at a guy who started approaching them until he made a detour, then frowned over at Blaine. “Just how drunk do you plan on getting tonight, Killer?”
“Drunk enough to forget.”
And if that didn’t sound like a cue to cut Blaine off, Sebastian didn’t know what was. He ordered a water from the bartender then hooked an arm around Blaine’s waist and guided the other boy, who was pliant in his grip, to an empty booth in the back corner. He settled Blaine on one side of the table before sitting across from him. He slid the water across to Blaine and waited until he’d taken a long sip before speaking.
“What did you want to forget?”
Blaine looked down at the table and muttered something quietly, but the bar’s music drowned it out.
Sebastian leaned forward. “What?”
“Last Valentine’s Day,” Blaine repeated, looking up. His eyes were glassy and his expression pained as he toyed with the water glass in front of him. “Mr. Schue’s wedding was last Valentine’s Day. Well, failed wedding,” he amended. “All the graduated seniors came back.”
Oh. Shit. “Wedding hookups ensued, I take it.”
Blaine nodded miserably, and Sebastian felt a stab of anger toward Hummel for putting that look on Blaine’s face. He still didn’t know why they’d broken up in the first place-not that he was particularly sorry to hear it-or what had pushed them to cut ties, just that their cutting ties had been a mutual decision, since those were the only topics Blaine didn’t touch when they talked.
But instead of saying something disparaging about Kurt-a favorite high school pastime of his, to be sure-he tamped down on it since he knew Blaine wouldn’t appreciate it.
Moreover, it wasn’t what Blaine needed tonight.
“He kept saying we were ‘just friends,’ but I was so sure,” Blaine went on, the alcohol clearly having killed his filter. “I just knew he was going to come back to me.”
But he didn’t, Sebastian finished silently.
Blaine eventually decided he wanted to dance, so he pulled Sebastian up from the table and led him to the dance floor, throwing his arms around Sebastian’s shoulders and swaying to the music, though it was an upbeat song. Sebastian instinctually put his hands on Blaine’s hips, definitely not thinking about the last time they’d danced at a bar together and how poorly that had gone.
“You know this isn’t a slow song,” Sebastian said, his heart rate picking up as his skin pricked everywhere Blaine was touching him.
“M’not dancing to this song,” Blaine murmured, resting his head against Sebastian’s chest.
Right. It figured that Blaine was an affectionate drunk. “Then what are you dancing to?” Sebastian asked, swallowing.
Blaine felt small, almost fragile in his arms; he was hurting and had made himself completely vulnerable and placed himself in Sebastian’s unsteady hands anyway. Sebastian shifted his hands to rest on Blaine’s lower back and pulled him closer.
He wasn’t going to break this, not this time.
Blaine hummed a verse before Sebastian recognized the song and, chest tightening, sang along quietly.
“Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”
-----
The next morning, Sebastian woke up in James’ bed-apparently his roommate had found somewhere to spend the night after all-and saw that Blaine was still fast asleep, not having moved since Sebastian deposited him in his bed the night before; he’d barely gotten his coat, shoes, and socks off before he was out cold.
Sebastian rolled his eyes, secretly pleased to have been allowed to see Blaine dropping his guard like he had the night before despite the hassle, and placed a glass of water and some aspirin on the nightstand before hopping in the shower. When he walked back into his room, toweling his hair dry, Blaine was just starting to stir. Sebastian pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt as Blaine groaned and stuffed his head-gel making his hair stick up in all directions-right back under the pillow.
Sebastian smirked. “You doing okay, Killer?”
“The light is too loud and your voice is too bright,” came the muffled reply.
Sebastian snorted and sat down on the bed at Blaine’s hip. “There’s aspirin on the table next to you.”
Blaine groped blindly for the pills, and Sebastian had to put a quick hand on the water glass to keep it from being knocked over.
“That would probably be easier if you actually looked.”
“Mmph.”
Sebastian laughed again, finding hungover Blaine unfairly endearing-especially when he usually hated dealing with anyone hungover-and eventually coaxed Blaine out from under the pillow. He handed him the pills and water, both of which Blaine downed immediately. Blaine took a quick shower and borrowed a pair of pants and shirt from Sebastian. Sebastian smirked when he saw Blaine swimming in his clothes.
“I can just wear my own clothes,” Blaine argued, rolling up the sleeves of the shirt.
“Your clothes smell like beer and smoke, and we’re going out.”
“Out?”
“What kind of friend would I be if I let you head back to your place in that condition without coffee?”
Blaine hummed noncommittally in response, and once he felt capable of facing the world, they headed out to the closest Starbucks. After grabbing drinks and pastries, they settled down at a table away from the window, though Blaine was still squinting against the sunlight.
“I’m sorry about last night,” Blaine said once he’d taken a few life-giving gulps of coffee.
“Sorry for what?”
Blaine shrugged and picked at the pastry in front of him. “I keep dropping my baggage on you.” He grimaced and sat back in his chair. “I really don’t even drink anymore, not since…” He shook his head. “Let’s just say, it’s been a while since I’ve had any alcohol.”
“Blaine, it’s okay.”
“I-”
Sebastian fixed him with a stare. “Do you really think I wouldn’t tell you if it wasn’t?”
Blaine opened his mouth but shut it again after a moment and shook his head. If Sebastian was anything, it was brutally honest.
“And isn’t that what friends are for or whatever?” Sebastian had never been the friendliest of people so didn’t have many legitimate friendships to his name.
Blaine’s smile looked strained. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
-----
In an unspoken agreement after Valentine’s Day, Blaine and Sebastian gave each other space. Blaine threw himself headfirst into his schoolwork, which was starting to pile up before midterms, and spent more time with Sam and Tina-and Artie when he was free. Sam and Tina teased him about actually seeing him for the first time in months while sneaking in questions about what had happened with Sebastian, but Blaine brushed them off.
He wasn’t actually sure what had shifted between them, only that he was feeling off-balance and that he needed to clear his head.
They still texted occasionally and sent Facebook messages, but Sebastian didn’t come to open mic nights and Blaine didn’t meet him for coffee.
It hit Blaine the second week of March when Tina came home from a date on a Friday night with a guy she’d met at the last open mic night-Blaine had finally managed to pull her on stage with him and the audience had loved her-and had gushed about how much she liked him. They were going out again the next week, and while Blaine was happy for her since she’d been struggling ever since she and Mike had broken up, her enthusiasm was making something itch underneath his skin.
He eventually excused himself, saying he had a headache and sending Sam an apologetic look as he had to stay and listen to the stories that Blaine usually loved to hear, and shut the door behind him. He wasn’t sure why Tina’s happiness was getting to him; it had nothing to do with her, that much he was sure of, so what?
He jolted when he heard his phone chime with an incoming text. With a sigh, he pulled his phone from his pocket and saw with a pang that it was from Sebastian.
Blaine missed Sebastian, even though he knew he needed the time apart. Reconciling with the other boy had been unexpected but needed, representing that connection to his Dalton life that he’d missed more than he would ever admit to any of his McKinley friends.
And true to his word, Sebastian really did seem to have turned over a new leaf. He still had jagged edges, but he made sure never to cut Blaine with them. But he also didn’t treat Blaine like he would break at any moment, and that had created a much-needed escape from his well-meaning roommates. They’d become friends again quickly; Blaine really thought they might have something more, and he’d caught Sebastian looking at him like he wanted more, but they hadn’t talked about it, even after crossing the lines of friendship over and over.
Same song, different verse, Blaine thought grimly. He’d told Kurt once that he was bad at romance, and here he was, proving that true over and over.
Every time he shut his eyes, he pictured Sebastian across from him saying, “What kind of friend would I be if I let you head back to your place in that condition without coffee?” and “And isn’t that what friends are for or whatever?”
Friends.
Just friends. He could still hear Kurt saying those words after the wedding. He’d been so sure that Kurt was just fooling himself and that he would figure out that he still wanted to be with Blaine soon enough, but after months of nothing but a friends-with-benefits situation, those words had taken on a sour taste on Blaine’s lips.
He could still hear Tina happily telling Sam about her night, and Blaine realized he was jealous. It had been a long time since he’d had that kind of effusive happiness; the night after he’d kissed Sebastian in the park had been close, but he’d still been too caught up wallowing in his heartbreak to open himself up to it completely.
He really thought he’d been moving on, but maybe he really had just been spinning his wheels the way Sam and Tina thought after all.
Maybe I don’t want to be ‘just friends’ anymore.
Blaine looked down at his phone again and called Sebastian’s number without reading the text.
“Hey,” he greeted when Sebastian picked up. “Do you want to get coffee tomorrow?”
-----
Sebastian stayed in New York for Spring Break since he wanted to get a jump on applying for summer internships at law firms around the city. The dorms closed for break, though, so when Blaine offered to let him stay on his couch for the week, Sebastian only needed to hear that Sam and Tina were both going home to agree. Blaine wasn’t going home either since his parents were going out of town for a business trip.
They had been dancing around each other over the last week since Blaine had called, apologizing for distancing himself for nearly a month. He’d needed to get his head on straight, he said.
“I think I was afraid to move on,” he’d explained over coffee. “That if I let myself feel something for someone else, that would mean the relationship that had meant so much was really over. That it would make it real somehow.” He’d laughed self-deprecatingly then. “It doesn’t even make sense because it’s been over for a long time, but I didn’t realize how unfair I was being to you. So, I’m sorry.”
And though they made a point to see each other every night that next week, there was a newfound tension hanging between them that was starting to drive Sebastian mad going into Spring Break.
It was mid-week and they were sitting on the couch with some Thai takeout and an ‘80s movie marathon on the television when Sebastian decided he couldn’t take it anymore.
“I don’t do boyfriends,” he said.
Blaine shifted so he was looking at Sebastian, pulling a leg under him and raising an eyebrow. “Well that’s too bad,” he said slowly. “Because I don’t do casual.” His voice sounded slightly strained on the final word as a hurt look crossed his face, but it was quickly gone.
For a moment they just stared at each other, as though daring the other to break the stalemate. Sebastian, though, had known from the minute he spoke that he was going to lose this one. He leaned forward, crowding Blaine’s space as the other boy allowed himself to be pushed backwards into the couch cushions. Blaine watched, looking amused (damn him) and maybe a little relieved, as Sebastian hovered just over him.
“I guess we’re going to have to compromise then,” Sebastian murmured before pressing his lips to Blaine’s.
-----
Next installment: A Fine Mingling
Author: purplehrdwonder
Rating: PG-13
Genre/pairing: Sebastian/Blaine
Characters: Blaine, Sebastian, Sebastian's mother, peripheral Tina, Sam
Word count: 4,500
Spoilers: Through 4x22
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Summary: Blaine really thought he was moving on, but he'd been too caught up wallowing in his heartbreak to open up completely. Third in the Not Words 'verse.
Author’s Note: This follows “Not Words But Meanings” and “No Remedy For Love” and probably won’t make much sense without having read those. Title, as usual, comes from a Thoreau quote: “The heart is forever inexperienced.”
The Heart, Forever Inexperienced
It wasn’t until they were both back in New York that they saw each other again. Blaine’s brother had gotten into town the day after their park adventure and monopolized all Blaine’s time, and Sebastian had left for Paris on Boxing Day, staying with his mother until he had to return for classes in mid-January.
There was something liberating about spending those weeks in France; Julia was a free-spirited painter who generally left Sebastian to his own devices when he visited, her preferred parenting style being that he should make his own mistakes and live before he followed his father’s footsteps into law. Her longtime boyfriend, Jean, was decent enough, Sebastian supposed, but he couldn’t say he knew the man well.
The day he’d gotten off the plane and met his mother, she’d hugged him and then stepped back, hands clasped around his upper arms, looking him up and down.
“Something’s different about you,” she mused.
Sebastian raised an eyebrow; he’d last seen his mother for a couple of weeks in July, so undoubtedly many somethings about him were different to her. “I’m a New Yorker now,” he replied with a smirk. “I have the subway pass to prove it.”
Julia snorted and shook her head. “No, that’s not it.” She bit her lip and kept peering at him as they collected his baggage and returned to the apartment she shared with Jean. Her artwork was littered through the space, which doubled as her studio.
She knocked on the guest room door as he was unpacking after dinner. Sebastian was dead on his feet from jet lag, so was planning to send Blaine a quick message on Facebook to say that he’d arrived and then sleep for about twelve hours. He turned to see her leaning against the doorway with her arms crossed and a small smile on her lips.
“There’s someone,” she said.
Sebastian started. “What?”
“That’s what’s different,” Julia clarified. “There’s someone back in the States, isn’t there?”
“I-”
“Your entire aura is different, “Julia explained. Sebastian rolled his eyes at the hippie-sounding logic, but she plowed on. “You’re carrying yourself different. You seem looser, but also more upright. And you’ve been smiling,” she added as though that was the most damning piece of evidence she could offer.
“I smile,” Sebastian argued, indignant.
But Julia shook her head. “You smirk,” she corrected, though there was no judgment in her voice. She moved to sit on the bed next to his open suitcase and ran an absent hand around the edges. “But you’ve smiled more today than you did the entire time you were here over the summer. So tell me about him.”
Sebastian considered his words carefully, wondering if there was even anything to tell. Blaine was his friend-a friend who hadn’t given Sebastian any hints of interest beyond friendship until that evening in the park.
That had been a good night, Sebastian mused.
They laid in the snow, Blaine trying to catch some snowflakes on his tongue while Sebastian was distracted by the ones sticking to Blaine’s criminally-long eyelashes. Blaine wanted to make snow angels as well and Sebastian rolled out of the way and laughed while Blaine waved his arms and legs back and forth. His laughter earned him another snowball in the face for his trouble while Blaine smirked in victory.
Eventually, though, they’d conceded defeat to the snow, cold and wet as they were, so headed back to Sebastian’s car. They weren’t touching as they walked, but they did crowd each other’s space. Once they got back in the car, Sebastian turned on the heat full blast and Blaine sighed in relief when he started thawing out a few moments later. Sebastian laughed and Blaine glared weakly at him as they pulled out of the parking lot.
“You’re the one who had the bright idea to stuff snow down my back,” Blaine accused, crossing his arms petulantly.
“And you wanted to have a wrestling match in the snow,” Sebastian retorted without an ounce of regret.
“Obligatory payback.”
“Well, that didn’t end up so badly after all,” Sebastian said.
He glanced at Blaine out of the corner of his eye, searching for some clue from the other boy as to how he was reacting to what had happened. Blaine was still stinging over his last relationship, and with all the baggage between them, Sebastian was expecting regret to set in for Blaine at any moment.
He wasn’t sure how he’d feel once that inevitably happened-hurt, no doubt, but still wanting Blaine around in any capacity. After all, he was pretty sure it was too late for him when it came to Blaine, which was simultaneously terrifying and comforting-a leap over a seemingly bottomless chasm and a net stretched out beneath him all at the same time.
Because, watching Blaine when he’d stood atop the jungle gym with his arms spread wide and face tilted back to the sky, Sebastian was certain he’d stopped breathing. He’d never seen Blaine look like that-so open and free.
He looked alive.
He’d always thought that Blaine came to life on stage, embodying the music or role he was performing in a way Sebastian had never seen before, but performances couldn’t compare to what he’d witnessed, not when there was a wall between Blaine and the audience-the role.
But the moment in the park had seemed almost intimate, as Blaine dropped every wall and mask and just allowed himself to be.
He’d never been more beautiful.
“No,” Blaine agreed with a small smile. “It didn’t.”
Sebastian’s shoulders loosened in relief, and the rest of the relatively short drive passed by in comfortable silence. Sebastian pulled into the Andersons’ driveway and put the car in park.
“Thanks for today,” Blaine said, turning to look at Sebastian. “It was nice to just… let loose.”
“The pleasure was all mine,” Sebastian replied, lips twitching into a smirk. Sebastian had never been so electrified by a simple kiss. His entire body still felt like a livewire, nerves tingling everywhere Blaine had touched, even if it had been through a coat.
When it came to Blaine Anderson, Sebastian was coming to understand, there was no such thing as simple.
Blaine chuckled and shook his head. “Well, not all.”
Then he leaned in and Sebastian froze as Blaine pecked him on the lips before grabbing his bags from the back seat. He reached for the door, but glanced back; Sebastian hadn’t moved.
“Merry Christmas, Sebastian,” Blaine said with a soft smile.
“Merry Christmas,” Sebastian echoed as Blaine got out of the car and shut the door behind him.
Jesus Christ, he was in so much trouble.
“His name is Blaine,” Sebastian finally said. “And we’re just friends. There’s nothing else to tell.”
-----
The kiss in the Westerville park didn’t end up being the last one.
Sebastian and Blaine met up a few days after Blaine got back to New York, catching up over coffee at Aroma. Andrea wasn’t working that day, but their barista still gave them a knowing smile when they ordered their drinks. Sitting at what was becoming their table by the window, Blaine regaled Sebastian with stories about a Warbler reunion (which Blaine had been loath to attend but had anyway) that had devolved into a night of drunken karaoke, as Warbler parties were wont to do, and the New Directions New Year’s Eve party.
As it turned out, there had been two New Directions parties that night, one for the national champion team of Blaine’s junior year and one for the team of Blaine’s senior year-the one that Blaine referred to as his New Directions more than once, Sebastian noted with some interest. Blaine told Sebastian about one of the new members of New Directions-a “baby gay” named Bryan, Blaine said, who’d mostly been too shy to even look at him for most of the night (and Sebastian couldn’t help but be reminded of certain members of the Warblers Blaine had left behind, though he kept that to himself).
For his part, Sebastian told Blaine about Paris; Blaine devoured all of Sebastian’s stories about spending afternoons people watching at cafes or wandering through street boutiques. Sebastian had long since done all the touristy things at his mother’s behest, so he preferred to explore the more intimate areas of the city. Blaine listened with wide, wonder-filled eyes as Sebastian spoke, and Sebastian found himself drawing out his stories with as many details as he could just to keep Blaine looking at him like that.
It was getting late by the time they finished talking, and Blaine refused to let Sebastian walk him back to his apartment when it was so far in the opposite direction of campus. Instead, they lingered outside of the coffee ship, wrapped up in coats and scarves but not quite ready to go their separate ways.
Sebastian found himself glancing surreptitiously at Blaine as the other boy pulled his gloves on. They hadn’t talked about the kiss, and the entire evening had gone just like any of their other coffee outings with no indication that anything had changed. The more he thought about it-about the uncertainty of what the hell might be going on between them-the antsier he got. Sebastian wasn’t exactly the kind of guy to talk out his feelings, but the longer he had to wait for Blaine to tell him that no, the night in the park had been a mistake and they were just friends, the worse the rejection was going to be.
Blaine huffed, pulling Sebastian from his internal spiral. “Oh screw it,” he muttered before leaning up on his tip toes to kiss a startled Sebastian square on the lips. Sebastian’s eyes widened in surprise before they fluttered shut and he returned the kiss.
Blaine leaned back onto his heels and Sebastian followed him, leaning over slightly to deepen the kiss. He shivered when Blaine let out a breathy moan. They pulled apart-after what could’ve been seconds or hours for all that Sebastian could tell-and Sebastian opened his eyes to see a blush spreading across Blaine’s cheeks, though he was smiling.
“Goodnight Sebastian,” he said, voice slightly breathless, then turned and walked away.
Sebastian watched him disappear into the crowds dumbly.
Damn him.
-----
They didn’t talk about the second kiss either. Or the third after a study session at Aroma. Or the fourth when Blaine left Sebastian’s dorm after coming over to watch a movie and instead ended up playing video games with Sebastian’s roommate, James. Or the fifth when Sebastian walked Blaine back to his apartment despite Blaine’s protests after a movie marathon of Oscar nominees. Or the sixth after Blaine played his first open mic night back in the city despite not working on a project.
By the time Valentine’s Day rolled around, they’d done a whole lot of not talking.
Valentine’s Day fell on a Friday, and James had gone out to a club with some other guys on their hall; he’d said he wasn’t planning to come back for the night, and though Sebastian thought that was optimistic, he didn’t say anything (he was continuing to grow as a person). He’d entertained the idea of joining since Blaine had mentioned spending the night with Artie, Sam, and Tina but had eventually decided against it. Sebastian had never had much interest in Valentine’s Day, outside of the desperate singles gagging for anything they could get at Scandals, but Blaine seemed like the type to celebrate it.
Sebastian was decidedly not pondering what that said about their non-relationship at this point when there was a knock at his door. He frowned as he opened the door; he was ready to give James shit about striking out so early and forgetting his keys, but the words died on his lips when he realized it wasn’t his roommate at the door.
Blaine stood in the hallway, and he gave Sebastian a hesitant smile. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Sebastian greeted. “I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight.”
Blaine shrugged, looking slightly uncomfortable. “Yeah, uh, Artie convinced Sam and Tina that the solution to loneliness on Valentine’s Day was a marathon of bittersweet romantic movies. I had to get out of there when they decided on Moulin Rouge followed by The Notebook.”
Blaine’s expression was carefully neutral-enough for Sebastian to recognize that he was shoving some emotion down. Considering that those movies seemed like ones Blaine would eat up, Sebastian had the sinking sensation he knew exactly what this was about.
“Anyway,” Blaine added, falsely bright, “I know you’re not really into,” he waved his hands around generally, “today, so I thought we could do something in protest. Unless you have plans,” he added hesitantly.
“No, that sounds good. What did you have in mind?”
Blaine’s idea turned out to be using their fake IDs-which Sebastian was moderately surprised to find out that Blaine still had-to go to a bar. They ended up at one not far from campus so they could walk back, and it was crowded with lonely singles. Blaine and Sebastian sat at the bar, and Sebastian’s eyes widened slightly when Blaine ordered a shot and saluted Sebastian with it before throwing it back.
He grimaced, and Sebastian found himself unable to pull his eyes from Blaine’s throat, the way his Adam’s apple bobbed as the alcohol burned on the way down. He took a steadying breath before pulling his gaze from Blaine and flagged down the bartender for a beer. He nursed the drink, swiveling on his stool to put his back to the bar while Blaine ordered another shot and then yet another.
Glancing over the room, Sebastian eyed the Valentine’s decorations with distaste and watched the desperately seekings moving on the dance floor, some keeping beat with the music better than others. He caught more than one man and woman checking Blaine out, which put Sebastian on edge-especially the more Blaine drank.
Sebastian glared at a guy who started approaching them until he made a detour, then frowned over at Blaine. “Just how drunk do you plan on getting tonight, Killer?”
“Drunk enough to forget.”
And if that didn’t sound like a cue to cut Blaine off, Sebastian didn’t know what was. He ordered a water from the bartender then hooked an arm around Blaine’s waist and guided the other boy, who was pliant in his grip, to an empty booth in the back corner. He settled Blaine on one side of the table before sitting across from him. He slid the water across to Blaine and waited until he’d taken a long sip before speaking.
“What did you want to forget?”
Blaine looked down at the table and muttered something quietly, but the bar’s music drowned it out.
Sebastian leaned forward. “What?”
“Last Valentine’s Day,” Blaine repeated, looking up. His eyes were glassy and his expression pained as he toyed with the water glass in front of him. “Mr. Schue’s wedding was last Valentine’s Day. Well, failed wedding,” he amended. “All the graduated seniors came back.”
Oh. Shit. “Wedding hookups ensued, I take it.”
Blaine nodded miserably, and Sebastian felt a stab of anger toward Hummel for putting that look on Blaine’s face. He still didn’t know why they’d broken up in the first place-not that he was particularly sorry to hear it-or what had pushed them to cut ties, just that their cutting ties had been a mutual decision, since those were the only topics Blaine didn’t touch when they talked.
But instead of saying something disparaging about Kurt-a favorite high school pastime of his, to be sure-he tamped down on it since he knew Blaine wouldn’t appreciate it.
Moreover, it wasn’t what Blaine needed tonight.
“He kept saying we were ‘just friends,’ but I was so sure,” Blaine went on, the alcohol clearly having killed his filter. “I just knew he was going to come back to me.”
But he didn’t, Sebastian finished silently.
Blaine eventually decided he wanted to dance, so he pulled Sebastian up from the table and led him to the dance floor, throwing his arms around Sebastian’s shoulders and swaying to the music, though it was an upbeat song. Sebastian instinctually put his hands on Blaine’s hips, definitely not thinking about the last time they’d danced at a bar together and how poorly that had gone.
“You know this isn’t a slow song,” Sebastian said, his heart rate picking up as his skin pricked everywhere Blaine was touching him.
“M’not dancing to this song,” Blaine murmured, resting his head against Sebastian’s chest.
Right. It figured that Blaine was an affectionate drunk. “Then what are you dancing to?” Sebastian asked, swallowing.
Blaine felt small, almost fragile in his arms; he was hurting and had made himself completely vulnerable and placed himself in Sebastian’s unsteady hands anyway. Sebastian shifted his hands to rest on Blaine’s lower back and pulled him closer.
He wasn’t going to break this, not this time.
Blaine hummed a verse before Sebastian recognized the song and, chest tightening, sang along quietly.
“Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.”
-----
The next morning, Sebastian woke up in James’ bed-apparently his roommate had found somewhere to spend the night after all-and saw that Blaine was still fast asleep, not having moved since Sebastian deposited him in his bed the night before; he’d barely gotten his coat, shoes, and socks off before he was out cold.
Sebastian rolled his eyes, secretly pleased to have been allowed to see Blaine dropping his guard like he had the night before despite the hassle, and placed a glass of water and some aspirin on the nightstand before hopping in the shower. When he walked back into his room, toweling his hair dry, Blaine was just starting to stir. Sebastian pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt as Blaine groaned and stuffed his head-gel making his hair stick up in all directions-right back under the pillow.
Sebastian smirked. “You doing okay, Killer?”
“The light is too loud and your voice is too bright,” came the muffled reply.
Sebastian snorted and sat down on the bed at Blaine’s hip. “There’s aspirin on the table next to you.”
Blaine groped blindly for the pills, and Sebastian had to put a quick hand on the water glass to keep it from being knocked over.
“That would probably be easier if you actually looked.”
“Mmph.”
Sebastian laughed again, finding hungover Blaine unfairly endearing-especially when he usually hated dealing with anyone hungover-and eventually coaxed Blaine out from under the pillow. He handed him the pills and water, both of which Blaine downed immediately. Blaine took a quick shower and borrowed a pair of pants and shirt from Sebastian. Sebastian smirked when he saw Blaine swimming in his clothes.
“I can just wear my own clothes,” Blaine argued, rolling up the sleeves of the shirt.
“Your clothes smell like beer and smoke, and we’re going out.”
“Out?”
“What kind of friend would I be if I let you head back to your place in that condition without coffee?”
Blaine hummed noncommittally in response, and once he felt capable of facing the world, they headed out to the closest Starbucks. After grabbing drinks and pastries, they settled down at a table away from the window, though Blaine was still squinting against the sunlight.
“I’m sorry about last night,” Blaine said once he’d taken a few life-giving gulps of coffee.
“Sorry for what?”
Blaine shrugged and picked at the pastry in front of him. “I keep dropping my baggage on you.” He grimaced and sat back in his chair. “I really don’t even drink anymore, not since…” He shook his head. “Let’s just say, it’s been a while since I’ve had any alcohol.”
“Blaine, it’s okay.”
“I-”
Sebastian fixed him with a stare. “Do you really think I wouldn’t tell you if it wasn’t?”
Blaine opened his mouth but shut it again after a moment and shook his head. If Sebastian was anything, it was brutally honest.
“And isn’t that what friends are for or whatever?” Sebastian had never been the friendliest of people so didn’t have many legitimate friendships to his name.
Blaine’s smile looked strained. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
-----
In an unspoken agreement after Valentine’s Day, Blaine and Sebastian gave each other space. Blaine threw himself headfirst into his schoolwork, which was starting to pile up before midterms, and spent more time with Sam and Tina-and Artie when he was free. Sam and Tina teased him about actually seeing him for the first time in months while sneaking in questions about what had happened with Sebastian, but Blaine brushed them off.
He wasn’t actually sure what had shifted between them, only that he was feeling off-balance and that he needed to clear his head.
They still texted occasionally and sent Facebook messages, but Sebastian didn’t come to open mic nights and Blaine didn’t meet him for coffee.
It hit Blaine the second week of March when Tina came home from a date on a Friday night with a guy she’d met at the last open mic night-Blaine had finally managed to pull her on stage with him and the audience had loved her-and had gushed about how much she liked him. They were going out again the next week, and while Blaine was happy for her since she’d been struggling ever since she and Mike had broken up, her enthusiasm was making something itch underneath his skin.
He eventually excused himself, saying he had a headache and sending Sam an apologetic look as he had to stay and listen to the stories that Blaine usually loved to hear, and shut the door behind him. He wasn’t sure why Tina’s happiness was getting to him; it had nothing to do with her, that much he was sure of, so what?
He jolted when he heard his phone chime with an incoming text. With a sigh, he pulled his phone from his pocket and saw with a pang that it was from Sebastian.
Blaine missed Sebastian, even though he knew he needed the time apart. Reconciling with the other boy had been unexpected but needed, representing that connection to his Dalton life that he’d missed more than he would ever admit to any of his McKinley friends.
And true to his word, Sebastian really did seem to have turned over a new leaf. He still had jagged edges, but he made sure never to cut Blaine with them. But he also didn’t treat Blaine like he would break at any moment, and that had created a much-needed escape from his well-meaning roommates. They’d become friends again quickly; Blaine really thought they might have something more, and he’d caught Sebastian looking at him like he wanted more, but they hadn’t talked about it, even after crossing the lines of friendship over and over.
Same song, different verse, Blaine thought grimly. He’d told Kurt once that he was bad at romance, and here he was, proving that true over and over.
Every time he shut his eyes, he pictured Sebastian across from him saying, “What kind of friend would I be if I let you head back to your place in that condition without coffee?” and “And isn’t that what friends are for or whatever?”
Friends.
Just friends. He could still hear Kurt saying those words after the wedding. He’d been so sure that Kurt was just fooling himself and that he would figure out that he still wanted to be with Blaine soon enough, but after months of nothing but a friends-with-benefits situation, those words had taken on a sour taste on Blaine’s lips.
He could still hear Tina happily telling Sam about her night, and Blaine realized he was jealous. It had been a long time since he’d had that kind of effusive happiness; the night after he’d kissed Sebastian in the park had been close, but he’d still been too caught up wallowing in his heartbreak to open himself up to it completely.
He really thought he’d been moving on, but maybe he really had just been spinning his wheels the way Sam and Tina thought after all.
Maybe I don’t want to be ‘just friends’ anymore.
Blaine looked down at his phone again and called Sebastian’s number without reading the text.
“Hey,” he greeted when Sebastian picked up. “Do you want to get coffee tomorrow?”
-----
Sebastian stayed in New York for Spring Break since he wanted to get a jump on applying for summer internships at law firms around the city. The dorms closed for break, though, so when Blaine offered to let him stay on his couch for the week, Sebastian only needed to hear that Sam and Tina were both going home to agree. Blaine wasn’t going home either since his parents were going out of town for a business trip.
They had been dancing around each other over the last week since Blaine had called, apologizing for distancing himself for nearly a month. He’d needed to get his head on straight, he said.
“I think I was afraid to move on,” he’d explained over coffee. “That if I let myself feel something for someone else, that would mean the relationship that had meant so much was really over. That it would make it real somehow.” He’d laughed self-deprecatingly then. “It doesn’t even make sense because it’s been over for a long time, but I didn’t realize how unfair I was being to you. So, I’m sorry.”
And though they made a point to see each other every night that next week, there was a newfound tension hanging between them that was starting to drive Sebastian mad going into Spring Break.
It was mid-week and they were sitting on the couch with some Thai takeout and an ‘80s movie marathon on the television when Sebastian decided he couldn’t take it anymore.
“I don’t do boyfriends,” he said.
Blaine shifted so he was looking at Sebastian, pulling a leg under him and raising an eyebrow. “Well that’s too bad,” he said slowly. “Because I don’t do casual.” His voice sounded slightly strained on the final word as a hurt look crossed his face, but it was quickly gone.
For a moment they just stared at each other, as though daring the other to break the stalemate. Sebastian, though, had known from the minute he spoke that he was going to lose this one. He leaned forward, crowding Blaine’s space as the other boy allowed himself to be pushed backwards into the couch cushions. Blaine watched, looking amused (damn him) and maybe a little relieved, as Sebastian hovered just over him.
“I guess we’re going to have to compromise then,” Sebastian murmured before pressing his lips to Blaine’s.
-----
Next installment: A Fine Mingling