Fic: Miles of Clouded Hell [White Collar/Glee Crossover]
Title: Miles of Clouded Hell
Author:purplehrdwonder
Rating: PG-13
Genre/pairing: Gen
Characters: Blaine (Glee), Neal, Peter (White Collar)
Word count: 4,400
Summary: Blaine visits his brother in the wake of his breakup with Kurt. Fourth in the Brother I Still Remember 'verse.
Spoilers: Early season 4 for White Collar, episode 4.04 for Glee.
Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.
Author’s Note: This has gone incredibly AU in terms of Neal’s backstory, considering what we learned early on in season 4, but I’ll still try to work what I can into the stories. Story title comes from the Imagine Dragons song “It’s Time.”
Miles of Clouded Hell
Neal was nursing a cup of coffee with the newspaper spread out on the table in front of him when he heard a timid knock at his door. He frowned; June was out for Sunday brunch, Peter’s knock was more forceful, and Mozzie wasn’t likely to knock in the first place-or if he did, it would be in Morse Code or something. Anyone else likely would have called before coming over, especially on a weekend. He pushed himself out of his seat, crossed the room, and cautiously cracked the door open.
It took a moment for his brain to catch up with that his eyes were telling him.
“Blaine?” he breathed.
His little brother looked awful. His skin was pale, his normally coiffed hair was a mess of unruly curls, and his usually crisp clothes were disheveled. But it was the look on the kid’s face that had Neal throwing the door wide open; Neal had never seen Blaine’s eyes looking so vacant. Blaine was an expressive person who wore his heart on his sleeve, and his eyes had always been the best indicator of his mood. Seeing them so empty made something twist painfully in Neal’s chest.
“Blaine, what are you doing here?” he asked, pulling his brother into the apartment and shutting the door behind them. “I thought you weren’t coming for another couple of weeks?”
Blaine had been planning on spending his fall break in New York City; he was going to stay with Kurt, but spend the days Kurt was working with Neal. Peter had already OKed the plan, also hinting that he’d like the kid to meet El. And who was Neal to deny the lovely Mrs. Burke?
But something had gone wrong, that much was obvious.
Neal steered his brother to the couch and sat him down. Blaine was pliant, moving as Neal directed without so much as blinking. He sat with his hands loose in his lap and his gaze on the floor.
Neal made to rise and grab his brother a glass of water, but Blaine grabbed onto wrist, preventing him from moving. He still hadn’t looked up, though. Neal sighed and adjusted himself on the couch, turning to face his brother and pulling a leg under himself.
“You gotta talk to me, Squirt,” he said quietly when Blaine remained silent. The quiet, alongside the emptiness in Blaine’s face, was making Neal’s skin crawl.
“I screwed up, Coop,” Blaine finally whispered.
Neal blinked. That was probably the last thing he’d been expecting to hear. “What happened?”
“I did something I don’t think I can come back from.” Blaine shook his head. “I don’t deserve to come back from it.” The words, though damning, were eerily devoid of emotion. It was as though Blaine had completely shut down in the wake of whatever had happened.
Neal tried not to let worst case scenarios fly across his mind. He lived in a completely different world than Blaine and something that Neal couldn’t come back from would be completely different than something a high school kid couldn’t come back from. If only the unease in his chest would let him believe that.
“Blaine, whatever it is-”
“I cheated on Kurt.”
Neal’s words caught in his throat as the words registered. “Oh, Blaine.”
Blaine was a good kid-the best around, as far as Neal was concerned, not that he was biased or anything-and he loved Kurt. Whenever they spoke on Skype or on the phone, Neal always teased Blaine about being so stupidly head-over-heels for his boyfriend. But in truth, Neal was happy for him. Neal had lost the love of his life and never wanted his brother to hurt like that. He wanted the true love for Blaine that he himself had lost in an explosion two and a half years earlier.
“We hadn’t been talking much since Kurt left,” Blaine said, still in that dead voice. “I mean, we talked, but mostly Kurt talked at me about how much he loved New York and how happy he was to be away from Lima.”
Oh. That couldn’t have felt good.
“And then he got that job at Vogue.com. He was living his dream.”
“Without you,” Neal prompted. Blaine nodded tightly.
“The last time we talked on the phone, he, uh, he hung up on me telling him I loved him.”
And really, what could you say to that? Neal bit his lip. “Blaine-”
“It was Friday night and I just…” Blaine continued, his voice cracking with the first hint of emotion since he’d knocked on the door and Neal’s chest lurched at the sound. He shook his head and his fingers flexed in his lap. “I just felt so empty. I just wanted to feel something.”
Neal knew the feeling. After Kate had died, he’d been completely hollowed out and never thought he’d be able to fill the Kate-sized hole in his heart. He’d had flashbacks to the explosion that left him completely drained, not that he’d had much to give in the first place, so he’d thrown himself headfirst into work with Peter. He’d taken stupid risks while on the job just to feel alive again, even if it was only for a few moments. It wasn’t healthy and could lead to some serious consequences, but Neal got it.
“So I…” Blaine broke off and took a deep breath, visibly collecting himself. “I hooked up with a guy on Facebook.”
Neal’s jaw dropped and he opened his mouth to yell at his brother because Jesus Blaine, that’s incredibly dangerous! You could have been killed! But the words turned to ash in his throat as Blaine finally pulled his gaze from the floor. There was so much agony on his face that Neal couldn’t bring himself to add to it. He’d say something later, but now was not the time.
And he knew a cry for help when he heard one.
“Did you sleep with him?” Neal wasn’t sure he wanted to know, but figured he should ask anyway.
Blaine swallowed and shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. We went far enough. I knew exactly what I was doing the whole time. I hated myself the entire time, but I didn’t stop.”
“So you came out here to tell Kurt?” Neal guessed. If this had only happened on Friday night…
Blaine nodded miserably. “Mom and Steve are out of town on business again. They left a credit card for emergencies, and I booked a flight as soon as I got home. I just… I couldn’t deal with it, with him not knowing that I’d betrayed him.”
At least he hadn’t tried to hide it, Neal thought. That didn’t forgive the incredibly stupid thing Blaine had done, but lying about it would have been even worse. Neal knew a thing or two about having lies come back to bite him in the ass so could respect the direct approach.
“I told him last night. He won’t even speak to me. We went to bed last night but neither of us slept. He got up early.” Blaine snorted harshly and Neal barely masked a flinch at the sound. “I don’t think he could stand to share a bed with me.” He shrugged. “I don’t think I could either, in his shoes.” Blaine dropped his gaze again. “He left not long after I got up.”
“And then you came here.”
Blaine looked back up, tears brimming in his eyes. “I didn’t know where else to go, Coop.”
“I’m glad you did.”
Blaine had screwed up royally, but Neal loved the kid and was always going to be on his side. Neal had his fair share of screw ups in his past-some that had gotten him wanted by more than one government, even-but Blaine had taken his side even after learning that his brother was an infamous art forger and con man. That was what brothers were for.
And besides, Neal had a feeling there weren’t many people in Blaine’s life that would be on his side when it came to something like this.
And as though the kind words were too much, Blaine’s face crumpled completely and he launched himself at his brother. Neal braced himself against the couch at the sudden impact, but then wrapped his arms around Blaine as the kid’s shoulders heaved with broken sobs. Neal rocked Blaine gently as he remembered their mother doing for him, back before their lives had gone to hell, and felt his heart break alongside his brother’s.
-----
Neal put down the crossword he’d been trying, and failing spectacularly, to concentrate on and rose from his seat when he heard the second knock on his door that day. This knock was more forceful than the one that had turned his day on its head only a couple of hours before. He carefully avoided bumping the couch as he walked over to the door. When he opened it Peter stepped in, dressed down in a gray t-shirt, jeans, and a stern look.
“What’s so important that you couldn’t tell me on the phone?” he asked.
Neal shut the door and put a finger to his lips, nodding at the couch. Peter’s eyes widened as he took in Blaine’s sleeping form. Neal had covered him with a quilt after he’d fallen asleep and the kid hadn’t moved since, his slow breathing the only sign of life considering his pallor.
Peter looked back at Neal, who just inclined his head toward the balcony. He wasn’t going to wake Blaine up now that he’d finally fallen asleep. The kid was worn out, both physically and emotionally, and needed what little rest he could get. Peter pursed his lips but nodded, following Neal outside. Neal made sure to stand where he could see the couch through the window, just in case.
“Why is your brother here, Neal?” Peter demanded in a low voice. “I thought he was coming in a couple of weeks.”
“So did I,” Neal replied, running a weary hand through his hair. “But he showed up at my door a couple of hours ago.”
“What happened?”
Neal sighed and gave Peter an abbreviated account of what Blaine had told him. The details weren’t important-and they were Blaine’s to tell, anyway. “He cried himself out about half an hour ago and finally fell asleep. I don’t think he could have gotten any sleep until he completely exhausted himself.”
Peter glanced back at Blaine again before turning to Neal. “And then you called me.”
Neal nodded. “Peter, you know I’m happy to see him and want to help, but this,” he said, gesturing to his apartment, “is not a good place for him. Not right now.”
It wasn’t safe for a teenager with everything that had happened recently, especially with Ellen getting ready to leave with the Marshalls again. He couldn’t bring himself to put his brother at risk, especially when they’d finally reconciled after so long apart.
“He needs to get home.” Neal shook his head. “I can’t imagine what my mother would do if she knew where he was right now. I’m not exactly her favorite person these days.”
Peter nodded. “So what are you asking me to do here, Neal?”
Neal stuck his leg out and smiled self-deprecatingly. “I’d take him myself, but the airport isn’t exactly in my radius.”
Peter cracked a smile at that, clearly thinking about the times Neal’s radius hadn’t meant anything to him. “True enough.”
Neal gave his own smile at the same thoughts before shrugging. “I want to let him get some more sleep, but he needs to get home tonight. Hell, he has school tomorrow.” Peter barked a laugh and Neal raised an eyebrow. “Share with the class?”
“Sorry,” Peter said, a surprising look of mirth on his face. “It’s just, you’re sounding an awful lot like a responsible adult there, Cooper. Never thought I’d see the day.”
Neal rolled his eyes, though the irony was not lost on him. “He’s my brother, Peter.”
Peter sobered at that. “I know. And I rather like the kid, myself.”
Neal smiled. “So you’ll take him to the airport later?”
“How about I accompany both of you to the airport? I know you’ll want to see him off.”
A wave of gratitude washed over Neal at that. “Thank you.” He frowned. “But that will show up on the Marshall’s tracking data. Won’t that be suspicious? I know people have been poking around White Collar after everything that happened.”
Peter waved that off. “Doesn’t matter. What’s important right now is that brother of yours.”
Neal nodded and glanced back at the slumbering form on his couch. Worry had been gnawing at his insides since Blaine’s confession. Blaine wasn’t the type to do reckless or purposefully hurtful things. He jumped into things headfirst, yes, and rarely thought about the consequences, but that was always because he felt like he had something to prove. He wasn’t self-destructive, that much Neal knew for sure. Something else was going on, and the kid was going to need whatever support he could get.
“Yeah.”
-----
Blaine’s head was pounding as consciousness mercilessly returned. He opened his eyes only to shut them immediately again; the light was too bright. He felt hung over, though he didn’t remember drinking…
Memories of the last few nights slammed into him and he bolted upright with a gasp. Oh god, it was real. What have I done? Kurt…
A blanket pooled at his waist and he looked around uncomprehendingly. He was sitting on a couch in a large room he couldn’t place. It looked like he was in someone’s-extremely fancy-apartment, but he couldn’t remember how he’d gotten here. Something itched at the back of his mind but whatever it was stayed out of his grasp when he reached for it.
Blaine looked around, feeling his mouth going dry. Did I do it again? Why couldn’t he remember?
“Blaine?”
He looked over at the glass doors and saw a familiar figure stepping in. His breath caught in his throat as memories of that morning returned. Slowly, muscle by muscle, he was able to relax. He hadn’t made things worse. Kurt had left the apartment that morning without a word. Blaine hadn’t known where else to go, only knew he couldn’t stay, so had taken a cab to his brother’s place. He’d gotten the address in his planning stages for his trip during fall break, but didn’t have any concept of where it was in relation to Kurt’s place. It turned out to be a good thing that he’d nabbed Steve’s credit card because it had been a long drive from Bushwick, though Blaine could barely remember it in the haze of guilt and self-hatred.
Cooper had a concerned look on his face as he stood in the doorway. “How are you feeling?”
Blaine shrugged, assessing. His entire body ached, his head was throbbing, and he was pretty sure there was some kind of clamp squeezing his heart. “Like I got hit by a bus,” he said at last.
Cooper smiled humorlessly at that and nodded. “Not surprised. You were pretty out of it.”
Blaine frowned. “How long was I asleep?”
“About four hours,” Cooper replied.
Blaine flinched. “Coop, I-”
But his brother waved off the apology before Blaine could form the words. “Blaine, I want you to feel like you can come to me when something’s wrong. I know that me being in New York and,” he huffed out a mirthless laugh, “a criminal makes things difficult. But my door is always open. I’m just a phone call away.”
He sighed and crossed the room. Blaine absently noted that Cooper was barefoot, which seemed surprisingly casual for the suave Neal Caffrey. And as Cooper’s pants rode up with his steps, Blaine noticed that there was something hooked around his ankle.
Tracking anklet, Blaine realized. Cooper had mentioned it, that he had a two mile radius unless he was with Agent Burke, but Blaine had never really thought about it. Huh. He didn’t really know what to do with the realization, but it seemed to loosen up something inside him. Like it was a reminder that Blaine wasn’t the only person that made mistakes and that there was a way to make up for them. Somehow.
Cooper sat down next to him on the couch, his fingers twisting in the fabric of the blanket. “I know I haven’t been a good brother to you, but I want to be there for you now.”
Blaine shrugged uncomfortably. He’d done something horrible. He didn’t deserve sympathy. “Coop, you don’t have to-”
“Yes, I do,” Cooper said harshly. Blaine blinked in surprise and Cooper’s expression softened. “Blaine, the fact that you don’t think you deserve love right now is exactly why you need it.”
“I don’t-”
“I’m not whitewashing what you did. It was stupid, it was dangerous, and you hurt someone you love.” Blaine swallowed and nodded, gaze dropping to his lap. Cooper was right, he was a horrible person. He didn’t deserve Kurt. He didn’t deserve anything. “But the fact is, you’re beating yourself up far more than anyone else could ever hope to.”
Blaine looked back up in surprise at that. Cooper gave him a rueful smile. “I’ve been there.”
Blaine studied Cooper’s face for a long moment, but there was nothing but understanding there. He wasn’t sure what to do with understanding, couldn’t process it, so he thought back to what Agent Burke had told him about his brother’s past.
“With Kate?” he asked when he thought he understood what Cooper meant.
A look of pain crossed Cooper’s face at the name, but it was so quick Blaine thought he might have imagined it.
“Yes,” he said. “With Kate. I… made some bad decisions and she left me. It was no less than I deserved, but I spent a long time looking for her, trying to make my mistakes up to her. We hurt each other a lot during that time, but we never stopped loving each other.” He shook his head. “It only hurts so much because you love each other.”
Blaine nodded at that, unable to trust himself to speak.
“The point is, Blainey, you need someone in your corner, even when you screw up. Hell, especially when you screw up. And that’s always going to be me, OK?”
“I-”
“If anyone knows about making mistakes,” Cooper said wryly, pulling up his pant leg so Blaine got a good view of the tracking anklet and wiggling his foot, “it’s me.”
Though the support was more than Blaine thought he deserved, that didn’t stop the gratitude he felt. “Thanks, Coop.”
Cooper nodded and they fell into a silence that wasn’t entirely uncomfortable. After a few minutes, Blaine looked back around the apartment. It really was a beautiful space. The rooms he’d seen when the housekeeper had let him in had also been gorgeous.
“You’ve got a pretty nice place for an ex-con, bro.”
Cooper burst out laughing at that, and for the first time in what seemed like eternity, Blaine felt his lips twitch upward.
-----
Though Blaine had started to lighten up marginally during the day, he looked absolutely miserable as they walked into the airport that evening. Peter moved off to the side to give them some privacy, and Neal gave him a grateful nod before turning to his brother.
“Cooper, I… I don’t know if I can do this.”
“You have to go back home,” Neal said firmly. “You have school and a whole life in Lima.”
Blaine swallowed, his fingers clenching at his sides. “I have Kurt’s life back in Lima. And now I don’t have Kurt.” He’d tried calling his boyfriend a few times, but all the calls had gone to voicemail. Neal had watched on sadly as Blaine’s face had crumpled each time he hung up the unanswered call.
Blaine’s eyes widened as he realized what he’d said and the hurt came flooding back into his face.
“Blaine, listen to me,” Neal said, putting a hand on his brother’s shoulder, doing his best to pull the kid back from the ledge. He knew Blaine was going to be miserable for a long time, but he had to keep living his life, no matter how hard it might seem.
“Even if you transferred to McKinley for Kurt’s sake, it’s your school now. You’re the student body president.” And god, Neal had been proud when Blaine had told him that a few weeks before. “You’re the lead soloist of the national champion glee club. And you have your own relationships with these people outside of Kurt.”
“Do I?” Blaine asked morosely.
“Of course. It might not always feel like it,” and boy did Neal know about living a life that didn’t entirely belong to him, “but it is your life. You have to keep living it, even if it hurts.”
Those months Neal had spent pulling bigger and bigger cons to get Kate’s attention and maybe, just maybe, pull her out of hiding had been some of the most painful months of his life. The con was always a thrill, but there was an all-encompassing emptiness that went with it since he’d had no one to share it with. Mozzie was always happy to join in, but it just wasn’t the same.
Blaine sighed, the tension in his shoulders evaporating. Neal was a little surprised that Blaine didn’t collapse, but kept a firm grip on his shoulder just in case. “I don’t even know if we’re broken up or not,” he whispered brokenly. “I mean, we should be, but I guess you have to be speaking to actually say so.”
“Give him time. He has to work through this too.”
Blaine nodded, eyes dropping to the floor.
“And anyway, I’ll see you in a couple of weeks.”
Blaine looked up sharply at that. “Coop, I can’t-”
But Neal shook his head. “Just because you were planning to spend your break with Kurt doesn’t mean you can’t spend it with me now.” Blaine opened his mouth to object, but Neal cut him off. “You’ve already paid for the tickets, right?” He didn’t want for Blaine’s nod of agreement to continue. “No point in letting them go to waste. You’ll come out here and we’ll have an amazing time. Peter’s wife has already demanded to meet you, you know.”
Blaine’s mouth worked as he seemed to digest the information. “But your job…?”
“I was already planning on spending the days with you, remember? Peter gave his OK.” He smirked. “Though if you wanted a tour of the FBI, I’m sure we could make that happen.”
“Cooper, I don’t know.”
“What’s there to know? New York is a huge city.” He left the We’re not likely to run into Kurt hanging on the air, though Blaine seemed to hear it anyway, judging from his clenched jaw. “We can even spend the nights in, if you want.” He just couldn’t bear the thought of Blaine sitting in his room, with the blinds drawn and sappy pop music playing as he beat himself up for making a stupid, teenage mistake for the entirety of his break.
“But Mom and Steve…”
“Don’t have to know you’re not visiting Kurt.”
Blaine blinked at that. “You mean I should lie to them?”
“Blaine, you booked a ticket on our stepfather’s credit card while they were out of town and flew to New York on your own. Do you really think not telling them that you’re having relationship problems is a big stretch?”
“Touché.”
Peter coughed pointedly from his point of view and Neal rolled his eyes. “Not that I condone lying or anything.”
Blaine let out a small laugh at that, and Neal took it for the small victory that it was. “So I’ll see you in a couple of weeks?”
Blaine hesitated at that, but finally he gave a jerky nod. “OK.”
Neal let out a sigh of relief. “Good.” Giving Blaine something to hopefully look forward to seemed like the best option Neal had open to him. Blaine was struggling under some kind of heavy weight and he hated feeling helpless in front of all that pain.
He looked down at his watch and blinked. “Crap, your flight is leaving soon and you need to check in.”
“I- Yeah. OK.”
“Hey,” Neal said, “call me when you get back.” Blaine nodded. “And, you know, for anything else.” Neal squeezed his brother’s shoulder.
Blaine gave him a wan smile. “Thanks, Coop,” he said before gathering himself and heading toward the check-in kiosks.
Neal felt Peter step up next to him as they watched Blaine print out his boarding pass. “You’re a good brother, you know.”
Neal blinked and glanced over at his partner in surprise. “What?”
Peter shrugged. “I know you feel bad about leaving things with him the way you did after Kramer. But this? Was kind of impressive. He’s lucky to have you.”
Neal shrugged. He had no right to be in Blaine’s life in the first place, but the kid had let him back in despite everything he had done both as Cooper and as Neal. It still seemed like a miracle that he was granted the right to call himself a big brother again after all these years. He didn’t want to take advantage of that ever again.
“I think it’s the other way around, but thanks, Peter.”
They might doubt each other at times and question each other’s motives, but in the end, Neal knew he was lucky to have someone like Peter on his side. They might not always understand each other, but they could still have faith in one another. It was a strange thing, Neal thought, for someone to have faith in him, since he made so much of his life on lies. And yet it worked.
Peter clapped a hand on Neal’s shoulder, and Neal appreciated the anchor as he watched Blaine head toward the TSA. His brother turned back and waved once before walking off. As Peter and Neal headed back to the parking lot, Neal pulled out his cell and wrote a quick text to Blaine, hoping he’d get it before he had to shut his phone off.
Courage.