Math is evil
I want to know who thought it would all cool to make everyone learn Algebra. Cause you know what i think? I its stupid! Yeah i said it, S-T-U-P-I-D! I graduated when i was 15 and i haven't used math for four years! You know why i haven't used it for four years? Because yoou don't ever need to use it! Because it's useless!
Ok i'm going to stop now and breath. I just spent over an hour on only 19 math homework questions and now i just want to pull my hair out and rant. I wanna rant until i can't rant anymore. I mean it's enough with six classes during the week, homework from each one every day, mom being sick, Holly at home, planning my wedding, trying to save money, looking for a house/apartment, saving for both trips to Wisconsin, making my relationship not strain seeing as how me and Matt only see each other maybe two days out of the week now, struggle to make it through the day without fainting from malnurishment, finding time to sit and think and plan, make sure i have enough time to you know go to the bathroom, get to church every Sunday and really pay attention to service, pray (pray alot cause God is the only one getting me through all this), and try not cry when i get one quiet minuet to myself.
I don't have time to do anything that i enjoy anymore because if i do try to sit down and crochet, draw, paint, watch Food Network, or read one of any of the 20 books i'm dying to read, i feel like "Wait i can't do this! If i do this then that means i'm not studying and if i'm not studying then that means i'm not learning and if i'm not learning and remembering everything then i'm going to fail! I can't fail so i have to study which means i can't be doing this!"
Yeah that makes me sound crazy, but that's how my mind has been working since school started. So now when i get to see Matt it seems like maybe only an hour before i'm telling him bye and then crying my eyes out like some big 19 year old baby. Yeah i'm stressed out over the wedding. I mean it's bad enough his cousin (SNOB can't stand her) is getting married the Saturday before us and is going have this huge exspinsive wedding that going to outshine in wedding within the next year. That means mine is going to look like a formal lunch comparred to her Princess Diana of wedding to his side of the family and any of our friends that hears about it. I know the way people talk, "Did you hear about Mandy's wedding? Oh it's was so beautiful! It was amazing! Heather and Matt got married the saturday after her. Oh it was nothing compared to Mandys, nothing."
I didn't want my wedding to be anything to impress anyone. I just want to it to be about me and Matt. I want it small, but at the same time the thought of her wedding being a mere 7 days before me and Matt makes me think back to when she showed us her igagement ring two months ago, "Oh i know it is beautiful isn't it? It better be seeing as how it is two k." and she just looked at it then looked at me and smiled like "Nothing you'll have will ever compare to me." I mean she's going to go buy her wedding dress and probably only look at the tag price so she can tell everyone how much paid for it, "Well it better be beautiful. It was $900." Oh i can hear it now.
I don't care that i got my dress for $99 that was the point. I got my dream dress for $99 at David's Bridal! But yet i feel so small because i'm ahving to pinch pennies about ever detail. And its bad enough i was going over the guest list yesterday and i realized when i walked into church none of my old friends even looked at me, so why am i stressing over who to invite? DO they care anyways? NO!
God what is wrong with me? I thought this was supposed to be the happiest time of my life right now? And all that's really going on is my head feeling like its going to explode and all i wanna do is cry. My wedding is going to be perfect, everything that i want is possible it's just not what others might expect. My dream wedding is about nothing other than me and Matt and all those closest to us. So why is all this crap bothering me? Why is it bugging me when people say, "Your getting married? But you don't have a ring yet? Oh." What does that matter? I'm getting a ring! Matt is going to propose to me at Disney World at Cinderella's Castle on Christmas Day (this isn't comfirmed, but 99.99% positive this is how he's going to do it) In Matt and I hearts we're already married anyways. We've made and commitment to each other and God, we're just planning the party now.
I wish today wasn't like this. All stress and everything that's wrong with me to deal with it by myself. I wish i could just breath. Close me eyes breath, go eat some Ben & Jerry's cookie dough ice cream, watch and episode of That 70's Show and laugh, not care about anything wrong, and curl up in Matt's arms. That's what i want right now.