(no subject)
Julia said the animal that i remind her of is a bird. This made more happy than she can imagine. Sometimes i wish i was a bird, then i could fly away. I could be free. I truely think that if God hadn't saw it fit to make me a human He would have made me a bird. A pure white dove, a blue jay, or a red cardnail.
I woke up late. Thats all i've been doing all week is waking up late. Mom fussed at me for not eating breakfast, but hey it was already 10:oo when i got into the kitchen and i eat lunch everyday at 11:oo. Gosh they act like if i'm not hungry the least little bit that i'm killing myself or something. She didn't eat breakfast either but i didn't see anyone jumping down her throat. I'm a fat cow anyways so what are they worried about? I'm just going to end up the same weight i was at last year. At least thats my fear.
I like who i am now. I'm so absolutily different from last year. Last year i had a few number of friends which mostly was just Liz. I was 155lb and size XL/14. I didn't talk to anyone. I had zero selfconfidence. I felt very alone. I was scared of people, of what they might say about me. I had trouble making conversations with anyone. I compared myself to everyone (which i still do sometimes but have gotton better at that). I didn't really know how i was. I was afraid to even look isnide myself and see me. I had this shell, a wall around me that no one could get through. No one really knew 'Heather'. They knew this quiet girl who was nice.
Haha thats not me anymore. Wow i don't even know that girl anymore. It's hard to believe she even existed.
Me and Katie got the new skit together. WOOT WOOT! I really like it. Matt was so hyper last night. He was like a kid with ADHD. A side i don't get to see of him too much, but i liked it. Before he left last night i followed him outside to give him one last kiss and i think...just think he may have been going in for the big first french kiss, but i pulled away then kissed him again real quick before running back inside. I don't know maybe i was just imagining things. Sometimes i think i'm too nervous. And i have this bad habbit of having my eyes open when i kiss him. He says i'm a great kisser, but i don't know. Maybe i suck.
Then again when i'm around Matt everything gets calm. I'm happy and peaceful. When i kiss him it's perfect every time. I can't wait for Saturday. Just to be with him the whole day. I need out of my house. I think my family is going to drive me nuts. I'm so edgy it's like i break and lash out at any little thing. Just like what dad said last night about he saw me go outside to give Matt a kiss and "Don't be doing that no more." he sounded so serious. After i lashed out and got mad i found he was kidding, but it upset the crap out of me. Like i'm not supposed to kiss my boyfriend.
I was up late just reading my bibe and praying. I don't know i just feel so...everywhere. Like i'm being jerked around every which way, but yet i'm chained down. I have a very short corn and my rubber band snaps so easily and whoever is around me better watch out when it snaps. I don't like being that way. I just don't know whats wrong with me. Well i know i'm stressed out thats for sure. Holly cusses me out and lashes at me at will, Gary and Alisha are getting a divorce cause Gary is a butt hole cheater, i feel like i have no freedom,i have no job yet or car, i feel like a disapointment, i don't know anymore what my purpose is, my book still isn't finished, i've had a month long blank spell, and i'm so unravled.
Well i know God is trying to show me something. Everytime i do my bible study thats what it is saying. It's just those moments that i want to get out of the house and have no exscape at all except to my room which is invaded without knocking. I just need alittle space. I thought when you got older you got more space, but instead it seems like my space is getting smaller and smaller. It's like my parents want me to talk to them but when i do they don't understand or are not listening at all. They are so confusing to me sometimes. And the biggest problem is so am i...
I'm hungry again. I guess i should just wait till 5:oo rolls around.
Until next thought... ::heavy sigh::
I woke up late. Thats all i've been doing all week is waking up late. Mom fussed at me for not eating breakfast, but hey it was already 10:oo when i got into the kitchen and i eat lunch everyday at 11:oo. Gosh they act like if i'm not hungry the least little bit that i'm killing myself or something. She didn't eat breakfast either but i didn't see anyone jumping down her throat. I'm a fat cow anyways so what are they worried about? I'm just going to end up the same weight i was at last year. At least thats my fear.
I like who i am now. I'm so absolutily different from last year. Last year i had a few number of friends which mostly was just Liz. I was 155lb and size XL/14. I didn't talk to anyone. I had zero selfconfidence. I felt very alone. I was scared of people, of what they might say about me. I had trouble making conversations with anyone. I compared myself to everyone (which i still do sometimes but have gotton better at that). I didn't really know how i was. I was afraid to even look isnide myself and see me. I had this shell, a wall around me that no one could get through. No one really knew 'Heather'. They knew this quiet girl who was nice.
Haha thats not me anymore. Wow i don't even know that girl anymore. It's hard to believe she even existed.
Me and Katie got the new skit together. WOOT WOOT! I really like it. Matt was so hyper last night. He was like a kid with ADHD. A side i don't get to see of him too much, but i liked it. Before he left last night i followed him outside to give him one last kiss and i think...just think he may have been going in for the big first french kiss, but i pulled away then kissed him again real quick before running back inside. I don't know maybe i was just imagining things. Sometimes i think i'm too nervous. And i have this bad habbit of having my eyes open when i kiss him. He says i'm a great kisser, but i don't know. Maybe i suck.
Then again when i'm around Matt everything gets calm. I'm happy and peaceful. When i kiss him it's perfect every time. I can't wait for Saturday. Just to be with him the whole day. I need out of my house. I think my family is going to drive me nuts. I'm so edgy it's like i break and lash out at any little thing. Just like what dad said last night about he saw me go outside to give Matt a kiss and "Don't be doing that no more." he sounded so serious. After i lashed out and got mad i found he was kidding, but it upset the crap out of me. Like i'm not supposed to kiss my boyfriend.
I was up late just reading my bibe and praying. I don't know i just feel so...everywhere. Like i'm being jerked around every which way, but yet i'm chained down. I have a very short corn and my rubber band snaps so easily and whoever is around me better watch out when it snaps. I don't like being that way. I just don't know whats wrong with me. Well i know i'm stressed out thats for sure. Holly cusses me out and lashes at me at will, Gary and Alisha are getting a divorce cause Gary is a butt hole cheater, i feel like i have no freedom,i have no job yet or car, i feel like a disapointment, i don't know anymore what my purpose is, my book still isn't finished, i've had a month long blank spell, and i'm so unravled.
Well i know God is trying to show me something. Everytime i do my bible study thats what it is saying. It's just those moments that i want to get out of the house and have no exscape at all except to my room which is invaded without knocking. I just need alittle space. I thought when you got older you got more space, but instead it seems like my space is getting smaller and smaller. It's like my parents want me to talk to them but when i do they don't understand or are not listening at all. They are so confusing to me sometimes. And the biggest problem is so am i...
I'm hungry again. I guess i should just wait till 5:oo rolls around.
Until next thought... ::heavy sigh::