I am angry. I am hurt.
I just want him to stop being so self absorbed or at least admit he is self focused. I want to hear him say, and mean, "I am an asshole. I don't take your life seriously. I fully expect you to support my every move because I need that. I NEED your help and your support and you. I need you." I want him to ask how my fucking day was. Apologize when I have a shitty day because he wishes he could help. Wishes he was around more. Apologize that he's chasing after a stupid dangerous and risky job and acknowledge such. Because I'm not crazy. I'm not wrong for feeling deserted and stressed and Less Than. I'm tired of being his Other and Less Than. I'm tired of being left to do all of the dirty work and then told to be grateful. To be told my life isn't exhausting and disgusting and boring. Miserably boring. I want him to say "I know you have up everything for this family. You gave up your body, your goals, your dreams, your happiness. You left it all behind to be a mother and wife - two things you had no interest in." I want him to say - and Mean - Thank you. Really mean it. Not a, thanks for folding my socks and hanging up my uniform ... Again ... For the fourth time this week. It matters. You matter. Everything you do, matters. And I couldn't live without you, and even if I could, I wouldn't want to. Because you are my world. You are molly's and Charlie's world. We need you and all that you work so hard for everyday.
I want him to FEEL and BELIEVE any of that. Not even say it. But truly have those feelings and thoughts in his mind and soul. Because it would all show, it would all shine through. He wouldn't ruin the laundry or ignore dishes becuase he "wasn't thinking." Or was "too tired." He would know those things take my time and energy.
He wouldn't tell me I have poor time management with a serious face, because he knows I get everything done in a timely fashion all the while not being helped, instead being hindered. Not being supported, instead being insulted. Not being appreciated, instead being a nag and a stresser.
The little things I do, would matter. The way I feel, would matter. I would matter.
Except I don't. I haven't for a long, long time. I am easily ignored, easily overlooked, easily written off. I'm emotional, I'm unstable, I'm mean, I'm lazy. I certainly couldn't matter while also being all of those things.
It's a miracle I'm still alive.
I want him to FEEL and BELIEVE any of that. Not even say it. But truly have those feelings and thoughts in his mind and soul. Because it would all show, it would all shine through. He wouldn't ruin the laundry or ignore dishes becuase he "wasn't thinking." Or was "too tired." He would know those things take my time and energy.
He wouldn't tell me I have poor time management with a serious face, because he knows I get everything done in a timely fashion all the while not being helped, instead being hindered. Not being supported, instead being insulted. Not being appreciated, instead being a nag and a stresser.
The little things I do, would matter. The way I feel, would matter. I would matter.
Except I don't. I haven't for a long, long time. I am easily ignored, easily overlooked, easily written off. I'm emotional, I'm unstable, I'm mean, I'm lazy. I certainly couldn't matter while also being all of those things.
It's a miracle I'm still alive.