(no subject)
(i miss you. keeping in touch is really difficult and talking online is SO AWKWARD. oh well.)
today was a snow day, which was wonderful because i practiced all morning, but then i lost motivation and didn't do much work. this is a truism for everyone, i think, but the contrast between ideal me and practical/actual me is so frustrating. i love music and i know that's true and will always be true (how could it not?) and completely honestly i don't know what else i could do. sometimes i'll be sitting in physics or spanish or something, playing music in my head as usual, and i'll literally get this physical feeling in my arms of longing to be holding an instrument and playing. sometimes i finger notes on my desk (as susannah and i were talking about ahaha) and i'm just so desperate to be playing and i'm just overflowing with love for it all. but then i go to practice and a lot of the time it's satisfying and fulfilling if not especially productive, just sound, sound, sound and i'm making something with it, maybe not real music but something like it. other times i procrastinate and read magazines and look at the clock and get frustrated with myself for not letting music (or practicing, which is actually so different from music making, too often) overtake me and i don't know what to do. if i feel like this how can i say i truly love music? but i do, i know i do. and it's hard to see myself at conservatory or professional if i can't even practice now consistently. it's not like there's something i'd rather be doing, it's just...i don't even know. oh music. oh life. i really need gbyso now.
and this essay is so so hard...writing is so frustrating.
much love.
today was a snow day, which was wonderful because i practiced all morning, but then i lost motivation and didn't do much work. this is a truism for everyone, i think, but the contrast between ideal me and practical/actual me is so frustrating. i love music and i know that's true and will always be true (how could it not?) and completely honestly i don't know what else i could do. sometimes i'll be sitting in physics or spanish or something, playing music in my head as usual, and i'll literally get this physical feeling in my arms of longing to be holding an instrument and playing. sometimes i finger notes on my desk (as susannah and i were talking about ahaha) and i'm just so desperate to be playing and i'm just overflowing with love for it all. but then i go to practice and a lot of the time it's satisfying and fulfilling if not especially productive, just sound, sound, sound and i'm making something with it, maybe not real music but something like it. other times i procrastinate and read magazines and look at the clock and get frustrated with myself for not letting music (or practicing, which is actually so different from music making, too often) overtake me and i don't know what to do. if i feel like this how can i say i truly love music? but i do, i know i do. and it's hard to see myself at conservatory or professional if i can't even practice now consistently. it's not like there's something i'd rather be doing, it's just...i don't even know. oh music. oh life. i really need gbyso now.
and this essay is so so hard...writing is so frustrating.
much love.