It's a long one
Gah! I have been rather busy these last couple of weeks, but at the same time I seem to have gotten very little done. This is extremely frustrating, and that makes me feel even more frustrated. I’m not explaining myself very clearly am I? You see, since the beginning of February I seem to have become one permanently angry person; I am angry at my situation, I am angry because nobody appears to me helping me even when they are, I am angry because nothing is getting done by either the Council or myself, and I’m angry because every time I turn around to do even the slightest little thing I find I can’t anymore because of my current situation. I can’t wear what I want, or go where I want, or spend what I want, or watch what I want, or even eat what I want. I can’t do anything I want to do and it just keeps grinding me down, wearing away at what little strength I have left to deal with this all.
I’m seriously beginning to crack now. I started off all cheerful, dealing with everything nice and politely, and being thankful that I had accommodation and food and that I wasn’t dead. Even in that first week when I was threatened with homelessness and when all the authorities were turning me away I managed to remain cheerful; it was hard but I did it. But in the last fortnight nothing is progressing at all and I feel like I’ve been left in this horrible kind of limbo; I have nothing to distract me anymore and so I suppose I am focusing on my problems more which is severely unhelpful.
I’m also aware of the fact that I STILL am not dealing with university; I’m not attending lectures and I’m not doing the work and I have no excuse for it anymore. This is depressing to me! Especially since at the beginning of this term I had just started to turn things around and then boom! Something else comes along to fuck up the process. This makes me even more frustrated, but this time I am angry at myself and what I perceive to be my own laziness in this matter; I COULD have gone into college last week, and I COULD have done the work for this week, but I didn’t, and I haven’t. Why? Why can’t I do any of that? It is the simplest stuff in the world to do, and you would think that for all my bitching a moment ago about not being busy anymore and not being distracted would translate into me throwing myself into my college work but no! Apparently I am incapable of obeying such simple logic.
All of this then just adds up to one whole lot of anger, mixed up with self-recrimination, and depression, and hate. I hate my situation, but even more I hate the people who have put me here. This is something else which has me slightly worried, the strength of feeling I have towards this Mr. Savage who was responsible for that bloody fire. Do you know that he has already been re-housed? Ahead of everybody else, even those people with young children? Why is that? I can’t see the fairness of it myself because if anybody should be made to wait around it should be him. But no, he jumps straight to the front of the queue much to the chagrin of absolutely everybody else from Harrow Court. And then do you know what he had the gall to do last week? He dared to turn up at the leisure center for a meal, as if he was entitled to them! He has his own place now; he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with claiming free food like that! I tell you, he was bloody lucky that I don’t go there anymore, because if I had seen him I would have tried to kill him. Seriously, I HATE that man! If I EVER meet him in person then I don’t think I could be held responsible for my actions; I would just see red and attack. And I sincerely believe that I would try and kill him. That bastard has ruined my life, he has taken away some OF the possessions that were most important to me, things I can never replace and which were utterly precious; he has thrown me out of my own home and he has put my life on hold; he has stopped me from continuing the progress I was making with regards to my depression and my schooling and my career; AND he has utterly utterly pissed me off. He should spend the rest of his fucking life praying that he doesn’t ever run into me. Because I will spend the rest of my life utterly utterly pissed at him and when he dies I will go and dance on his fucking grave. Bastard!
FAMILY: God, but that whole rant has made me feel so much better already. I have stopped ranting to people I know because they either don’t understand my anger, like lutonairport, or because it is unfair to continually subject them to it, like my poor mother. Anyway, I suppose I should really get on with writing something constructive in this entry shouldn’t I? Will do that when I get back from uni.
UNIVERSITY: Is going crappy, but we all know that don’t we, so I won’t whine about it anymore. Except to say this - what is it with the 797 Green Line bus service? The only thing that is reliable about that service is that it is always running late. So the one day that I myself am running a bit late the bloody bus only turns up on time doesn’t it! And what is it with bus drivers? Do they have selective sight or something? Are they trained to ignore the mad woman running up the road towards the bus? Or do they just find it funny to wait until you are JUST within reach of the doors before they drive away? Is it just me who has these sort of problems or does everyone? What are your opinions on buses?
WORK: Is going quite well actually, and I am not bored with it yet at all! Miracles will never cease! I just missed out on being made the Sunday supervisor at the gift shop, which was shitty, but they have given me enough overtime these last couple of weeks to make up for it somewhat. Not that I was all that grateful last weekend, when we had to re-arrange all the displays after Mothering Sunday; my manager seems to think she is God’s gift to displays and she is not - she is crap at them! And I mean really crap! The front of the store now looks awful and every time I walk into it I have to restrain myself from throwing it all to the ground and starting again. Not that I am boasting about my prowess at creating fantastic shop displays or anything ^__^
In other news, I also had a job interview yesterday at the bookies down in Royston. It went quite well I think, and I really hope I get the job; it will provide me with at least 16 hours a week work which would be really useful financially. Plus with the summer coming up there would be the opportunity for a lot of overtime at the weekends and in the evenings and things. They would also train me up in some management skills too as a matter of course, so that will look quite good on my CV. The rate of pay isn’t fantastic, just 5.20 an hour (10.40 on Sundays), and it would cost me 6.40 a time on train tickets, so that is a bit of a bugger. But I think I would really like the job, so wish me luck! I should hear back from them in a couple of weeks as to whether I’ve succeeded or not.
THE FLAT: Will not be ready to move back into until August at the earliest now. The Council have confirmed this, which is good I suppose because at least now I have a definite date for when I’ll be able to move back in. Of course, that all depends on whether my aunt will actually let me move back in, or on whether she wants to sell the place or rent it out properly to someone else, or all sorts of other things. So at the moment I am waiting on the Council to find out if I will be entitled to a temporary flat in the meantime; it would just be a tiny one bedroom place but at least it is better than being stuck in a hotel. And because I lost all my furniture in the fire the Council will have to furnish the place for me too, so that is a bit less to worry about. I also managed to get the Head of Housing looking into my Housing Benefit claim too so yay! Or rather, it was the fact that she remembered me as a little girl going to the pantomimes with my grandparents that got her looking into it; sometimes having a well-respected ex-mayor as a grandfather can prove really useful when dealing with the Council…
Also found out about the rent money the cheeky buggers want to charge us; it will be 45 pound a week to be paid from the 22nd March. Which is still too much for me to afford but never mind!
RUGBY: What the f**k do the England rugby team think they are up to? Useless bastards…I would rant on this some more but I’m in a good mood now and can’t be arsed. Expect it all on Saturday instead, because if we lose to bloody Italy of all people then I shall be slightly miffed.
I’m seriously beginning to crack now. I started off all cheerful, dealing with everything nice and politely, and being thankful that I had accommodation and food and that I wasn’t dead. Even in that first week when I was threatened with homelessness and when all the authorities were turning me away I managed to remain cheerful; it was hard but I did it. But in the last fortnight nothing is progressing at all and I feel like I’ve been left in this horrible kind of limbo; I have nothing to distract me anymore and so I suppose I am focusing on my problems more which is severely unhelpful.
I’m also aware of the fact that I STILL am not dealing with university; I’m not attending lectures and I’m not doing the work and I have no excuse for it anymore. This is depressing to me! Especially since at the beginning of this term I had just started to turn things around and then boom! Something else comes along to fuck up the process. This makes me even more frustrated, but this time I am angry at myself and what I perceive to be my own laziness in this matter; I COULD have gone into college last week, and I COULD have done the work for this week, but I didn’t, and I haven’t. Why? Why can’t I do any of that? It is the simplest stuff in the world to do, and you would think that for all my bitching a moment ago about not being busy anymore and not being distracted would translate into me throwing myself into my college work but no! Apparently I am incapable of obeying such simple logic.
All of this then just adds up to one whole lot of anger, mixed up with self-recrimination, and depression, and hate. I hate my situation, but even more I hate the people who have put me here. This is something else which has me slightly worried, the strength of feeling I have towards this Mr. Savage who was responsible for that bloody fire. Do you know that he has already been re-housed? Ahead of everybody else, even those people with young children? Why is that? I can’t see the fairness of it myself because if anybody should be made to wait around it should be him. But no, he jumps straight to the front of the queue much to the chagrin of absolutely everybody else from Harrow Court. And then do you know what he had the gall to do last week? He dared to turn up at the leisure center for a meal, as if he was entitled to them! He has his own place now; he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with claiming free food like that! I tell you, he was bloody lucky that I don’t go there anymore, because if I had seen him I would have tried to kill him. Seriously, I HATE that man! If I EVER meet him in person then I don’t think I could be held responsible for my actions; I would just see red and attack. And I sincerely believe that I would try and kill him. That bastard has ruined my life, he has taken away some OF the possessions that were most important to me, things I can never replace and which were utterly precious; he has thrown me out of my own home and he has put my life on hold; he has stopped me from continuing the progress I was making with regards to my depression and my schooling and my career; AND he has utterly utterly pissed me off. He should spend the rest of his fucking life praying that he doesn’t ever run into me. Because I will spend the rest of my life utterly utterly pissed at him and when he dies I will go and dance on his fucking grave. Bastard!
FAMILY: God, but that whole rant has made me feel so much better already. I have stopped ranting to people I know because they either don’t understand my anger, like lutonairport, or because it is unfair to continually subject them to it, like my poor mother. Anyway, I suppose I should really get on with writing something constructive in this entry shouldn’t I? Will do that when I get back from uni.
UNIVERSITY: Is going crappy, but we all know that don’t we, so I won’t whine about it anymore. Except to say this - what is it with the 797 Green Line bus service? The only thing that is reliable about that service is that it is always running late. So the one day that I myself am running a bit late the bloody bus only turns up on time doesn’t it! And what is it with bus drivers? Do they have selective sight or something? Are they trained to ignore the mad woman running up the road towards the bus? Or do they just find it funny to wait until you are JUST within reach of the doors before they drive away? Is it just me who has these sort of problems or does everyone? What are your opinions on buses?
WORK: Is going quite well actually, and I am not bored with it yet at all! Miracles will never cease! I just missed out on being made the Sunday supervisor at the gift shop, which was shitty, but they have given me enough overtime these last couple of weeks to make up for it somewhat. Not that I was all that grateful last weekend, when we had to re-arrange all the displays after Mothering Sunday; my manager seems to think she is God’s gift to displays and she is not - she is crap at them! And I mean really crap! The front of the store now looks awful and every time I walk into it I have to restrain myself from throwing it all to the ground and starting again. Not that I am boasting about my prowess at creating fantastic shop displays or anything ^__^
In other news, I also had a job interview yesterday at the bookies down in Royston. It went quite well I think, and I really hope I get the job; it will provide me with at least 16 hours a week work which would be really useful financially. Plus with the summer coming up there would be the opportunity for a lot of overtime at the weekends and in the evenings and things. They would also train me up in some management skills too as a matter of course, so that will look quite good on my CV. The rate of pay isn’t fantastic, just 5.20 an hour (10.40 on Sundays), and it would cost me 6.40 a time on train tickets, so that is a bit of a bugger. But I think I would really like the job, so wish me luck! I should hear back from them in a couple of weeks as to whether I’ve succeeded or not.
THE FLAT: Will not be ready to move back into until August at the earliest now. The Council have confirmed this, which is good I suppose because at least now I have a definite date for when I’ll be able to move back in. Of course, that all depends on whether my aunt will actually let me move back in, or on whether she wants to sell the place or rent it out properly to someone else, or all sorts of other things. So at the moment I am waiting on the Council to find out if I will be entitled to a temporary flat in the meantime; it would just be a tiny one bedroom place but at least it is better than being stuck in a hotel. And because I lost all my furniture in the fire the Council will have to furnish the place for me too, so that is a bit less to worry about. I also managed to get the Head of Housing looking into my Housing Benefit claim too so yay! Or rather, it was the fact that she remembered me as a little girl going to the pantomimes with my grandparents that got her looking into it; sometimes having a well-respected ex-mayor as a grandfather can prove really useful when dealing with the Council…
Also found out about the rent money the cheeky buggers want to charge us; it will be 45 pound a week to be paid from the 22nd March. Which is still too much for me to afford but never mind!
RUGBY: What the f**k do the England rugby team think they are up to? Useless bastards…I would rant on this some more but I’m in a good mood now and can’t be arsed. Expect it all on Saturday instead, because if we lose to bloody Italy of all people then I shall be slightly miffed.