Im really sorry
Lately ive been a total bitch. i feel so lost right now i thought i was doing okay but i was told the other day by my boss that i suck basicly theyve said to me that if i dont improve they are going to fire me and thats been hang over my head and ive been really horrible and nasty mostly to my friends lee and pete because they are so happy and in love and everything seems so right for them right now. i bet under the surface its not. have you ever seen how to make an amercian quilt? there is a charactor in that thats all bitter and twisted and mean and im watching myself become that person because im so unhappy that i cant stand other people being happy. a few years ago i had a job i loved but it paid so poorly i got myself into so much debt that i had to leave to earn enough money to keep a roof over my head. since then ive had such crappy jobs that i cant like because i had this dream job where i was seen as one of the best employees in the country. i was so nervous about going to work today that i threw up three times and i started crying at breakfast much to the surprise of allan zena and clare i never cry they told me i was staying home and that i didnt have to go back ever again if i dont want to. so im siting at home hoping that i can find another job today. zena was saying that i should try to have more self confidence but how am i when people keep telling me at that job that i should take all the crap they throw at me and not stick up for myself i cant do that ! one of the guys at work Neil told me yesterday that i should just keep my head down and ill be fine. they keep firing people. no matter what happens im not gonna have a job but Allan is trying so hard to be there for me hes been all hugs and kisses since i called him yesterday and told him what they said to me, what they said to me hurt. i mean really hurt. i didnt cry though at least they didnt see that. it makes me think have i tried to be myself to much lately within our coupledom. ive always wanted to be whole by myself not one half of a couple you know. maybe i have been wrong ...