(no subject)
i miss you so much. i miss being able to talk to you about each and every little thing. i miss hearing your voice at 2 am, because you called me just cuz you were thinking about me. i miss trusting you. i miss laughing with you and wanting you. i feel betrayed. i feel defeated. i feel like there's nothing in this entire world that i could have possibly done to prevent this from happening. at the very beginning, i told you that i would be totally understanding of you having any sort of relationship with anyone, because i understood the difficulties of the distance. but i remember clearly asking, all i want is the truth. i promised that i would be completely okay with you being with someone else, as long as i knew and that i had the truth. you don't even have the decency to tell me yourself. i don't understand why you did what you did. i'm so confused about everything right now. you're such a good liar. i'm so gullible. the two just don't mix. i know this is my sign that you never wanted anything in the first place. but what gets me, you've been lying this entire time. and i've been believing you. but i don't understand. you told me you dropped your phone in the toilet. but then you gave me your house number. and you called me from your house number multiple times. so why in hell did you even bother lying?! and what's even worse, i could have checked to see if you had been using your phone the entire time, which i did eventually, but i trusted you so much that i didn't even bother. why did you tell me those things if you wanted nothing to do with me anyway? why didn't you just say you had things with jamie, and i could have moved on with it. but no, you had to prolong it with more and more lies. you had to make me believe every little thing you said so you could watch my misery later. it just doesn't make any sense. all the things you said, down the shitter. i'm completely boggled. it's like tracking a motive for a killer without a cause. there's no obvious reason for this. i will not cry over you. i will not be sad that i've lost you, only angry because i believed you. part of me knows that she will hurt you AGAIN and i will get a call someday, apologizing. part of me wants to forgive you with everything i am and let you come back so i can love you again. love you in a way that i can trust, and i can hold on to, and that i can know that no matter who comes along, you will still love me the same. but the other part of me is so afraid of forgiving you. i don't want to be hurt again. i miss you. there's nothing i can say to change anything and it hurts. it's like watching a cherished work of art shatter into a million pieces. it's like watching someone die, knowing there's nothing you can do but lay helpless, unable to do anything about the situation. when will i learn?