(no subject)
whew...
this weekend has been so incredibly boring. but what can i say, it's peaceful. yesterday i marched the christmas parade and came home and napped all day long. it was beautiful. today i sang in church..and the fire alarm went off in the middle of my song. o well. emotions...yep...yet again. completely confused. so much going on, nothing different, but still so much. i'm always stressed with school, but i haven't really been caring lately, not sure why. so now i realize that i have..um..a ton of homework. god knows how i'll ever finish it all. i still miss alex like crazy. i saw her today in einstein's and i wanted to go behind the counter and hug her for the rest of my life, but all i got was a tiny half smile. that smile of complete sorrow. she thinks she's happy, at least it seems like it. but i know deep down there's no way she can be happy in the least bit. i just want to be able to talk to her again. hmph. and the boy life....i'm scared he only cares when he's drunk. he says such beautiful, amazing, tantalizing things to me, but it seems as though he says them now only when he's under the influence of alcohol. so i'm left to wonder whether or not he really feels what he says. i think that he feels half of it...maybe. gah i just don't know. today's going to go by quickly unfortunately. i want nothing more than to fall into his arms and stay there forever. safe and warm, no matter what happens. i want so much to live with him and die with him. but only god knows what will happen. i want to leave that option wide open. the other night he asked me if i've cried over him yet..happy tears. i couldn't lie and i told him i've never cried happy tears before. but i was listening to one of my favorite songs last night...iris, by goo goo dolls. there's a line that says "you can't fight the tears that ain't coming" and right then and there i just broke down. but i'm not so sure they were happy tears. i mean i'm so happy to have him..if i have him at all. he makes me happier than anyone i've ever met. so in that sense, they were happy tears in so many regards. but they were sad tears because i can't have him. i have to wait for so long, and i am more than willing to do so...but it makes me sad to think that its so possible that nothing will ever happen. i want him so badly. i love talking to him, i love listening to him, i love everything about him...good and bad. oh...heavy sigh. but now i'm on the phone with him...so off i go.
this weekend has been so incredibly boring. but what can i say, it's peaceful. yesterday i marched the christmas parade and came home and napped all day long. it was beautiful. today i sang in church..and the fire alarm went off in the middle of my song. o well. emotions...yep...yet again. completely confused. so much going on, nothing different, but still so much. i'm always stressed with school, but i haven't really been caring lately, not sure why. so now i realize that i have..um..a ton of homework. god knows how i'll ever finish it all. i still miss alex like crazy. i saw her today in einstein's and i wanted to go behind the counter and hug her for the rest of my life, but all i got was a tiny half smile. that smile of complete sorrow. she thinks she's happy, at least it seems like it. but i know deep down there's no way she can be happy in the least bit. i just want to be able to talk to her again. hmph. and the boy life....i'm scared he only cares when he's drunk. he says such beautiful, amazing, tantalizing things to me, but it seems as though he says them now only when he's under the influence of alcohol. so i'm left to wonder whether or not he really feels what he says. i think that he feels half of it...maybe. gah i just don't know. today's going to go by quickly unfortunately. i want nothing more than to fall into his arms and stay there forever. safe and warm, no matter what happens. i want so much to live with him and die with him. but only god knows what will happen. i want to leave that option wide open. the other night he asked me if i've cried over him yet..happy tears. i couldn't lie and i told him i've never cried happy tears before. but i was listening to one of my favorite songs last night...iris, by goo goo dolls. there's a line that says "you can't fight the tears that ain't coming" and right then and there i just broke down. but i'm not so sure they were happy tears. i mean i'm so happy to have him..if i have him at all. he makes me happier than anyone i've ever met. so in that sense, they were happy tears in so many regards. but they were sad tears because i can't have him. i have to wait for so long, and i am more than willing to do so...but it makes me sad to think that its so possible that nothing will ever happen. i want him so badly. i love talking to him, i love listening to him, i love everything about him...good and bad. oh...heavy sigh. but now i'm on the phone with him...so off i go.