[Criminal Minds] What I've done
Title: What I've done
Rating: G
Genre: Character study, Song!fic
Characters: Spencer Reid
Spoilers: 2x18 Jones
Warnings: None beyond what's in the episode
Summary: They hadn't seen each other for years. And still Ethan had been able to help where Reid's team members couldn't.
The title is from the Linkin Park song of that name which I used for this song!fic.
Disclaimer: All characters are property of CBS, Jeff Davis, Edward Allen Bernero and sadly not mine. I just take them along for the ride. I also don't own the lyrics to this great song. Special thanks to my dear friend Sarah for all her help and encouragement and being a great beta. Thanks to everyone who read and/or reviewed one of my others stories.
Spencer sat in a chair at the jazz club and listened to Ethan’s music. They had closed the case a few hours ago and the young agent had slipped away unnoticed as soon as possible.
Here there was no need to be on guard all the time. Here he wasn’t watched.
His gaze was directed to the stage where his friend was playing the keyboard, but his mind was focusing on his thoughts.
In this farewell
There is no blood
There is no alibi
Tomorrow he would fly back to Quantico with the team, so he thought he’d spent his last night in New Orleans here, at the place where he had reached a decision with the help of the dark-haired musician.
Ethan wasn’t even a profiler and yet he could see right through the protective wall that Reid had carefully built up.
Cause I've drawn regret
From the truth
Of a thousand lies
His friend had made him face the fact that every member of the team was aware that Spencer had some serious problems and was fighting to come in terms with them. That his colleagues weren’t fooled by the young agent’s constant reassurance that he was fine.
Spencer clearly remembered every lie of his said since Georgia, most of them for pure self-protective reasons, the list ending with the one to Morgan and Prentiss the day before about having no cell phone reception when the latter had called him while he had been in the club with Ethan.
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
Without a doubt he knew that neither of them had bought it. Yet they had accepted the answer and hadn’t asked any further, for which he was really grateful.
He just had to try and see if he could go on without the job.
Since the kidnapping he hadn’t felt that he was able to face the UnSubs and talk them down anymore. So he was glad that he hadn’t had to test it those hours ago.
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
The talk with Ethan helped Spencer to mentally take an inventory of everything that was going on with him; the cravings, the withdrawal symptoms, the nightmares, the feelings of insecurity and the doubts of being able to do his job.
And for the first time he felt ready to see past them.
When he had left the club he had come to the conclusion that he couldn’t walk away, that his job at the BAU was too important to him to just step back and quit. And knowing what it was like to be a victim, he wanted to catch the UnSubs even more than before.
He didn’t want anyone to have to make the same experience he had if he could help it. Having made the decision he finally was able to focus on their current case.
Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
Having reached some distance to everything that had happened since Georgia, he now realized that out of all of the team members, Prentiss probably was the one who had been most on the receiving end of his anger.
Maybe because he had hoped to get away with his behavior since she wasn’t on the team that long and would most likely be fooled by his excuses.
Their confrontation in front of the shelter for the homeless in Houston during the previous case he regretted the most. When she had called him on his behavior - the only one of his colleagues who had - he had tried to push her away by stating that she didn’t know him at all.
He had hoped that if she was angry at him, she would simply leave him be.
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I've done
Now he could only hope that she would forgive him and take the time to get to know the person he really was.
The one he had been prior to Georgia; the one he was determined to try and become again.
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
But in order to do that he knew he had to be honest to himself and also to the rest of the team. So he had started doing just that in the conversation with Gideon a few minutes ago.
He had been on the verge of tears admitting his fears and doubts but it had been worth it. Not because his mentor’s words helped him.
But because he realized it wasn’t a burden he had to carry alone anymore.
For what I've done
I'll start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I'm forgiving what I've done
Spencer was smart enough to know that it was far from being over but he had taken the first step in the right direction. And he was confident that with the help of his friends he was able to go all the way and overcome every obstacle he would encounter.
Recalling their conversation, it hadn’t gone unnoticed by him that Gideon hadn’t said a word at neither his at times unprofessional behavior over the course of the last few cases, nor his denial of the fact that he needed help.
I'll face myself
To cross out what I've become
Erase myself
And let go of what I've done
So he took it as a sign that the older agent had noticed his determination to climb up again the distance he had spiraled down over the last weeks, to deal with the problems instead of ignoring them.
What I've done
Forgiving what I've done
The past few days had made it clear to Reid that, despite his doubts, the decision to become a profiler had been the right one. And that he was strong enough to continue working at the BAU.
Like he had told Gideon he wouldn’t miss another plane again.