Shitty Place
I had to come on here and write something because I feel I am going out of my mind. Honestly, since me and Chris broke up I have not been good.
I have to move out of the house we share as it is his house and he has someone moving into the third room and we can't go on sharing with one another because he wants to move on. so yer the logical solution is to come back to Wales but I don't want too, I love Reading and want to stay here....this is where I want to be...I know that makes me sound selfish and ignorant but I want to be here, I've even been looking at some shared accomodation but handing in my resignation means I have to find a job pretty darn quickly!!! so Ive decided to app0ly for three good jobs and see what happens if it all goes to pot I will be back in newport at the beginning of october.
I feel so alone and so confused. me and chris fight over his inability to feel anything about this and well im not going to try and explain over livejournal but im hurting due to some of the things he has said to me. some of the things i found out too were just awful really. needless to say he isnt the man i thought he was and yet i want to be with him, i wish I didnt and i know that makes me sound sad but i do. I miss waking up to kisses on the forehead, snuggling up on a sunday afternoon, walking through town hand in hand, snuggling at the cinema all the little things u think are insignificant I MISS THOSE!!! I hate being alone and I do not work well alone if I'm going to be honest. Take saturday for instance we all went to the pub and it wasn't even his resonsibility but he took care of me, bought me drinks, made sure I got the chips I was rambling about and even took off my boots for me and got me water, lol I wasn't as bad as it sounds and even when I tol him it wasnt his job anymore he still did it, he told me he would never leave me alone and that he would always be there for me but it isn't enough, I don't get him anymore and that sucks so bad.
So I'm lost completely lost, I have no idea how to take the days and you'd think I would want to get out of Reading but I don't I in fact love this place....so what do I do? someone should tell me because I have no clue and I'm scared that I will come back to Newport and do nothing, just settle back into my old routine of relying on my parents for it all....I have independence here..or some kind of dependence anyway, Chris is right I have no drive and no real ideas of my own, I relied on him too much and look what happened. I feel like nothing is right at the moment, I want things to go back the way they used to be, why can't that happen? I know I'm sounding all sad and whiny but if you can't do it on here then where can you?
I can't imagine not walking out of my door and seeing all the things I see everyday, the place that I have come to recognise and the people that I get to see, also the job I had to quit because if I do come home I needed to give notice....I just don't want to leave this place.
I need someone to tell me what I should do because even if I move home and the decide I want to come back I don't know whether I can do it on my own.
xXxXxXxXxXxXx