More Therapy?
This is a cut and paste of an e-mail I sent to a friend early this past Friday morning. I am putting it here as more therapy (I suppose). The only reason is that I noticed that just before I hit the send button on that e-mail, that I was sending it to my wife and not the friend that it was supposed to go to. Freudian slip I suppose, but I caught it in time. Maybe she will see it one day, maybe not.
I think I am going to go ahead and go to bed. I am just totally worn out. Just means I will be up by about 1pm or so....too early....big truck tonight!
Having the second half of this night off really did not help me in more ways than one. First, I cannot afford to be taking that much time off with these hours cuts (but at least I know I am not alone in that one since you are going to be home today and most everyone except the "pets" are going through it too). I have enough financial problems as it is. And being as I still have not gotten the raise that Butch promised me for going to overnights (but then again not surprising), that is really starting to weigh even heavier than before.
And yes, this whole "you know who" thing has me pretty down tonight. Like I said in the earlier e-mail, at least I was prepared for the emotions this time. I knew when she got on the plane on Sunday that I would go through it eventually. Tonight just happened to be the night.
Tonight I have gone through all the same emotions I went through the night she left. I guess it is that final viewing before the casket is closed kind of feeling right now. But at least maybe the grief ends tonight, and I can go on now (probably not, but one can hope...can't they?). I guess part of loving someone is just to be happy for them, no matter whether they are with you or not...just as long as they are happy. I am still trying that concept...hasn't worked yet though.
In the past 4 months, I have loved her, missed her, been confused by her, and totally frustrated by her. I wish hating her like she seems to hate me was one of those emotions, but unfortunately, I have never been through that one. That might have helped. The way I feel tonight is just the reason why I have been telling you that I needed something (someone) to look forward to in the future. She was my future and I now know that will never be. I know I am not ready to find someone else right now. I would probably find a way to ruin that just like I ruined mine and her marriage (I still have no idea how I did it, but I obviously did a good job of it). I have gone through these emotions so many times already that they will not stop until I have a reasonably good idea there will be someone in my life in the coming months. I certainly don't have that assurance right now. And see no one on the horizon that could give that to me. And frankly, why should I even be looking? I know I will never love anyone the way I loved her!
And I know that you are going to tell me, just like you always do, that things will work out ....it will just take time. Most of the time, I can be an extremely patient person. But when it comes to the total loneliness that I feel right now, my patience has worn thin already.
OK...I have babbled long enough and probably brought you down too early in the morning. Sorry about that, just had to vent. Again, thank you for being there to listen to me everytime I go through this stuff. Hopefully this will be the last time. You are still the only person I have that I can talk to about it. Mom is too preoccupied with the move (and rightfully so since it appears that they now are going to have to leave sometime late next week instead of at the end of Feb.) and Jennifer's divorce to give me the time I need.
Time for me to go to bed, let Charity jump on my stomach for a few minutes of scratching, and cry myself to sleep yet again. How many times have you heard that line.....lol.
Call me this afternoon if you don't have anything going on. I know I don't have any plans (I know that surprises you....lol).
See.....I guess I can end things on a funny note. Even if it is a sad kind of funny.....lol.
I think I am going to go ahead and go to bed. I am just totally worn out. Just means I will be up by about 1pm or so....too early....big truck tonight!
Having the second half of this night off really did not help me in more ways than one. First, I cannot afford to be taking that much time off with these hours cuts (but at least I know I am not alone in that one since you are going to be home today and most everyone except the "pets" are going through it too). I have enough financial problems as it is. And being as I still have not gotten the raise that Butch promised me for going to overnights (but then again not surprising), that is really starting to weigh even heavier than before.
And yes, this whole "you know who" thing has me pretty down tonight. Like I said in the earlier e-mail, at least I was prepared for the emotions this time. I knew when she got on the plane on Sunday that I would go through it eventually. Tonight just happened to be the night.
Tonight I have gone through all the same emotions I went through the night she left. I guess it is that final viewing before the casket is closed kind of feeling right now. But at least maybe the grief ends tonight, and I can go on now (probably not, but one can hope...can't they?). I guess part of loving someone is just to be happy for them, no matter whether they are with you or not...just as long as they are happy. I am still trying that concept...hasn't worked yet though.
In the past 4 months, I have loved her, missed her, been confused by her, and totally frustrated by her. I wish hating her like she seems to hate me was one of those emotions, but unfortunately, I have never been through that one. That might have helped. The way I feel tonight is just the reason why I have been telling you that I needed something (someone) to look forward to in the future. She was my future and I now know that will never be. I know I am not ready to find someone else right now. I would probably find a way to ruin that just like I ruined mine and her marriage (I still have no idea how I did it, but I obviously did a good job of it). I have gone through these emotions so many times already that they will not stop until I have a reasonably good idea there will be someone in my life in the coming months. I certainly don't have that assurance right now. And see no one on the horizon that could give that to me. And frankly, why should I even be looking? I know I will never love anyone the way I loved her!
And I know that you are going to tell me, just like you always do, that things will work out ....it will just take time. Most of the time, I can be an extremely patient person. But when it comes to the total loneliness that I feel right now, my patience has worn thin already.
OK...I have babbled long enough and probably brought you down too early in the morning. Sorry about that, just had to vent. Again, thank you for being there to listen to me everytime I go through this stuff. Hopefully this will be the last time. You are still the only person I have that I can talk to about it. Mom is too preoccupied with the move (and rightfully so since it appears that they now are going to have to leave sometime late next week instead of at the end of Feb.) and Jennifer's divorce to give me the time I need.
Time for me to go to bed, let Charity jump on my stomach for a few minutes of scratching, and cry myself to sleep yet again. How many times have you heard that line.....lol.
Call me this afternoon if you don't have anything going on. I know I don't have any plans (I know that surprises you....lol).
See.....I guess I can end things on a funny note. Even if it is a sad kind of funny.....lol.