days post exam
I finally took the exam. It's over, for now. After some vegetating, I finally drew strength to write this.
(O_o golly... I was re-reading this before posting, and I didn't realise it's so... depressing :p Proceed with caution, I was merely venting out -_- Sorry, I'm not proud of it but well, I do learn quite a few things from this, and I think it's a good experience. I hope I'm stronger now.)
The last week of revision was anti-climatic. I thought I would be revising, losing sleep, then maybe emerge victorious somehow. But I wasn't as strong as I was led to believe. I ran. It's not something I'm proud of. I realise words are powerful and I shouldn't be doing it, but I kept on repeating 'I'm gonna fail' to my colleagues, so of course I was gearing myself to fail. I've had enough :( I was nauseous with tummy pain all the time. It's weird being a doctor and not realising what symptoms I was having. It took my mom to tell me that I have peptic ulcers :p
I found myself more. I know I'm an escapist. I give up too easily... Deep down, I was wondering, what am I doing this for?
Then after wandering around in cold rainy London streets post exam, I learnt a few things.
1. Words are powerful. I have to stop saying I'm failing before the exam, despite me thinking that way. It the midst it did occur to me that with God everything is possible, but I was scared :( So I ran away. I ran whilst telling myself it's OK to fail. I ran and I busy myself building the nice hideout to keep the world away. I deny everything. I drop everything and I ran. To the world of alcoholic, buffered only by me not being able to buy any without ID (which I never carry around). I stop eating, I stop caring. Whenever I tried to study either the nausea or fear stop me. And so I snap.
2. Biggest lesson I learnt: When things go wrong, look inside first. I can't change the outside, but I can change me to make things better. No study leave? I can take more ownership of my revision. Blaming circumstances may induce a sense of security since I would think it's not all my fault. But it's not productive, really. I can't kep on letting circumstances defeat me.
3. I may be dyslexic. Or have ADHD. Or both. I dunno :p Whatever.
I find it strange that I find it really hard to retain simple things. Like how I have to google 'diaphysis' 5 times on different days, and I can never tell the difference between pulmonary oedema and pleural effusion despite understanding the pathophysiology behind it (geektalk, yeah, sorry). It's as if my 'instinct doesn't know, and even though my brain understand I can't function without 'getting it.'
I couldn't remain attentive during conversation, and obviously I can't retain them (which is bad since boss give orders verbally. I would then miss it, and then die the next day when boss ask about the progress. Happen so many times...) This probably explain why my teachers hated me in the past, how my face is always blank in class and how I can only either draw in lecture theatre, or stare absent mindedly at wall......... I was blur, and now I'm even blur-er :p
I have mild knight's move thinking (randomly coming out with conversation so off topic from the current one you wonder how my mind function) which I can curb a little, but it does show up when I talk. Come on, don't you find it weird that I could suddenly talk about dogs when we're talking about a patient? (yeah it wasn't so bad when I'm in singapore, but I'm realising it worse and worse now :p)
And worse, whenever I want to study the words just start to play around me and refused to get into my brain. It's a staring battle between me and computer/book.
(If you're wondering how I pass JC, it was all past year questions. I did not read any of them notes... plus math/physics was fun isn't it)
4. Must stop procrastinating.
5. My brother called after exam. Must be God. Bro didn't know it was my exam day after all, and he very rarely call me.
Whilst I wasn't crushed after exam nor sad, my phone rang shortly after I had a strong yearning to go home. I miss my family. I don't miss their presence like a homesick teenagers do. I miss my family's involvement in my life, I have been away, they never asked and I never really know how to tell them about my life. So slowly our life are not intertwined anymore. I never asked about home and how everyone' doing either, since I foolishly thought 'what can I do so far away?'
It was nice hearing from home, and God reminded me again that He's always there.
6. I realise I'm... lonely. Not in the conventional way of having nobody around me to keep me sane. I have wonderful friends and family, and besides I like being alone. I'm lonely because... I think I'm just yearning to share my heart out. Because I want to get rid of the way sometimes I feel that I'm the only one in the world. I want to love and be loved (not romantically, but I can't explain it very well)...
I think... I just want a reason. A reason to exist, a reason to keep working and trying hard (money and fame doesn't interest me... I would imagine that would make it easier for me to stick around medicine otherwise).
And then it hit me again. My purpose is God. His will. His plan. But I was so foolish, I to far from Him to hear His directions.
7. In the end, it's all again about God. I remembered before this hoo-haa of orthopaedics, life was idyllic and hence there's little reason in seeking God (bad!). So I asked God for stirring up things so I can get close to Him. Then BAM....... The irony is? I was too busy drowning that I didn't magically get closer to God.
Lesson? I can't keep on running away from God's testing thinking that I will pass the next one.
Again, now I learn it's not about circumstances, but about my heart. To praise Him when I'm happy or sad, to love Him with all my heart. To seek Him with my everything.
Life is but a journey. everything shall pass. Nothing is permanent besides God. Us human too are but a grain of sand in the beach, swept away by waves to be replaced by new ones in time. What use would anything (forget richness and fame), without our souls, without God? Even happiness and comfort would be taken away if our hearts are not in the right place.
Life only has 1 lesson. To love God. It's not as easy, that's why we have the whole lifetime to learn it. But don't be complacent, a lifetime isn't as long as we think. And stay alert, not everyone make it if they don't make the right choices.
(O_o golly... I was re-reading this before posting, and I didn't realise it's so... depressing :p Proceed with caution, I was merely venting out -_- Sorry, I'm not proud of it but well, I do learn quite a few things from this, and I think it's a good experience. I hope I'm stronger now.)
The last week of revision was anti-climatic. I thought I would be revising, losing sleep, then maybe emerge victorious somehow. But I wasn't as strong as I was led to believe. I ran. It's not something I'm proud of. I realise words are powerful and I shouldn't be doing it, but I kept on repeating 'I'm gonna fail' to my colleagues, so of course I was gearing myself to fail. I've had enough :( I was nauseous with tummy pain all the time. It's weird being a doctor and not realising what symptoms I was having. It took my mom to tell me that I have peptic ulcers :p
I found myself more. I know I'm an escapist. I give up too easily... Deep down, I was wondering, what am I doing this for?
Then after wandering around in cold rainy London streets post exam, I learnt a few things.
1. Words are powerful. I have to stop saying I'm failing before the exam, despite me thinking that way. It the midst it did occur to me that with God everything is possible, but I was scared :( So I ran away. I ran whilst telling myself it's OK to fail. I ran and I busy myself building the nice hideout to keep the world away. I deny everything. I drop everything and I ran. To the world of alcoholic, buffered only by me not being able to buy any without ID (which I never carry around). I stop eating, I stop caring. Whenever I tried to study either the nausea or fear stop me. And so I snap.
2. Biggest lesson I learnt: When things go wrong, look inside first. I can't change the outside, but I can change me to make things better. No study leave? I can take more ownership of my revision. Blaming circumstances may induce a sense of security since I would think it's not all my fault. But it's not productive, really. I can't kep on letting circumstances defeat me.
3. I may be dyslexic. Or have ADHD. Or both. I dunno :p Whatever.
I find it strange that I find it really hard to retain simple things. Like how I have to google 'diaphysis' 5 times on different days, and I can never tell the difference between pulmonary oedema and pleural effusion despite understanding the pathophysiology behind it (geektalk, yeah, sorry). It's as if my 'instinct doesn't know, and even though my brain understand I can't function without 'getting it.'
I couldn't remain attentive during conversation, and obviously I can't retain them (which is bad since boss give orders verbally. I would then miss it, and then die the next day when boss ask about the progress. Happen so many times...) This probably explain why my teachers hated me in the past, how my face is always blank in class and how I can only either draw in lecture theatre, or stare absent mindedly at wall......... I was blur, and now I'm even blur-er :p
I have mild knight's move thinking (randomly coming out with conversation so off topic from the current one you wonder how my mind function) which I can curb a little, but it does show up when I talk. Come on, don't you find it weird that I could suddenly talk about dogs when we're talking about a patient? (yeah it wasn't so bad when I'm in singapore, but I'm realising it worse and worse now :p)
And worse, whenever I want to study the words just start to play around me and refused to get into my brain. It's a staring battle between me and computer/book.
(If you're wondering how I pass JC, it was all past year questions. I did not read any of them notes... plus math/physics was fun isn't it)
4. Must stop procrastinating.
5. My brother called after exam. Must be God. Bro didn't know it was my exam day after all, and he very rarely call me.
Whilst I wasn't crushed after exam nor sad, my phone rang shortly after I had a strong yearning to go home. I miss my family. I don't miss their presence like a homesick teenagers do. I miss my family's involvement in my life, I have been away, they never asked and I never really know how to tell them about my life. So slowly our life are not intertwined anymore. I never asked about home and how everyone' doing either, since I foolishly thought 'what can I do so far away?'
It was nice hearing from home, and God reminded me again that He's always there.
6. I realise I'm... lonely. Not in the conventional way of having nobody around me to keep me sane. I have wonderful friends and family, and besides I like being alone. I'm lonely because... I think I'm just yearning to share my heart out. Because I want to get rid of the way sometimes I feel that I'm the only one in the world. I want to love and be loved (not romantically, but I can't explain it very well)...
I think... I just want a reason. A reason to exist, a reason to keep working and trying hard (money and fame doesn't interest me... I would imagine that would make it easier for me to stick around medicine otherwise).
And then it hit me again. My purpose is God. His will. His plan. But I was so foolish, I to far from Him to hear His directions.
7. In the end, it's all again about God. I remembered before this hoo-haa of orthopaedics, life was idyllic and hence there's little reason in seeking God (bad!). So I asked God for stirring up things so I can get close to Him. Then BAM....... The irony is? I was too busy drowning that I didn't magically get closer to God.
Lesson? I can't keep on running away from God's testing thinking that I will pass the next one.
Again, now I learn it's not about circumstances, but about my heart. To praise Him when I'm happy or sad, to love Him with all my heart. To seek Him with my everything.
Life is but a journey. everything shall pass. Nothing is permanent besides God. Us human too are but a grain of sand in the beach, swept away by waves to be replaced by new ones in time. What use would anything (forget richness and fame), without our souls, without God? Even happiness and comfort would be taken away if our hearts are not in the right place.
Life only has 1 lesson. To love God. It's not as easy, that's why we have the whole lifetime to learn it. But don't be complacent, a lifetime isn't as long as we think. And stay alert, not everyone make it if they don't make the right choices.