(no subject)
I haven't posted in a while. Kind of a lot went on. i don't really remember what i talked about last, but i'm out of a job right now. that REALLY sucks. but it's going to be ok, i'm going to school now, every morning. so it's nice change of pace.
i finally caught up with the rest of the world and made a facebook page. i dont quite know how to feel about that.. i keep debating whether to take it down or what. i dont have any friends, so i dont know why i made one to begin with.. debating still.
my grandma is really sick, with cancer. she's gonna die soon. probably by the end of the year.
my feelings about my family still up in the air. i know this is probably very normal for many people, but for me it's not. it's ALWAYS been very clear who was who in my family and what position and side everyone held. but none of that's the same anymore.
i'm just trying to settle into a nice, boring, plateau type office job. i'm not sure why exactly i'm doing that, maybe its for the constant sameness nature of the idea. i dont know. after 6 years of an unknowing type work schedule and whatnot, consistency might be a nice change.
i've been thinking about when i was a kid, and i would be thinking about music a lot. and i would come up with tunes in my head. i have several different memories of actually doing this. i was young, like, 6 or 7, and i would just think up a tune. and, to me, they would sound nice. and only now, being older, i realize now what those tunes were were catchy. but back then i just thought of them as sounding good. i went thru this period of making songs & tunes for a few years. when my family moved to bakersfield when i was 9, i don't remember this period of music making continuing. and i believe it stopped because that was also the year my social hardships began.
the hardships continued almost every year after that until i graduated from high school. my difficult social experiences began to mix with my academic experiences, because it all happened at school. so naturally they would mix. so together, it became so powerful, it overshadowed some things i found pleasure in. one of them being thinking of music. i just stopped thinking of music.. until recently in the last few months.
i dont know why it all came back to me the way it did. but in retrospect, i can see the moments that stick out (there were few & far between) that were signs of what was to come. and the signs didn't come until i was out of high school, probably because i was able to mentally note them without the toxic social/academic nagging leaving me impaired.
so, i would hear songs on the radio or on itunes and they would catch my attention. and at the time i didn't know why, i only found that i liked them and for some reason they sounded vaguely familiar. and it wasn't until i heard a britany spears song called 'phonography' that i realized why that one and a few others i'd heard in the previous couple of years sounded familiar. it was because they were so incredibly similar to the songs and tunes i would think up as a child. and even as i write this i think back on the tunes i thought of years & years ago and the word 'similar' just doesn't seem to cut it to describe the closeness of my music and the music i was hearing on itunes and the radio.
well, at the time of this realization all i could think of was amazement. i just couldn't believe that these songs that were now available to the masses sounded so much like what i had thought of when i was 6. and i thought that those artists were very lucky, if only i knew back then that what i had was a gift.
since my realization, i kind of stopped keeping track of the tunes i'd hear that sounded incredibly similar to the ones in my head as a kid. and i kind of let it all go for a while because this knowledge didn't really have a place in my life at the time. so i let it go for the time being.
but since i lost my jobs this year i've really been doing some soul searching i guess you can call it. i've kind of realized that for me to survive i've got to come up with something, something that's outside the box for me. it's what i felt in my gut that i had to investigate for myself. i'm still looking, but so far what my findings have brought me is my music, once again, and storytelling and possibly art. With these findings i've realized there is so much in me that i can create for more music, and to venture into the uncharted territory (at least for me it's uncharted) of story making. so it's what i'm doing. i'm trying to cover my bases by getting my 'consistent' office job, and leave the rest of my energy to making music and stories. and i know it's only the beginning and there's a lot to do but there's some comfort in knowing i dont have to do for the rest of my life what i was brought up to believe i had to do.
i'll try to write more often with what i'm doing next in my new project : )
i finally caught up with the rest of the world and made a facebook page. i dont quite know how to feel about that.. i keep debating whether to take it down or what. i dont have any friends, so i dont know why i made one to begin with.. debating still.
my grandma is really sick, with cancer. she's gonna die soon. probably by the end of the year.
my feelings about my family still up in the air. i know this is probably very normal for many people, but for me it's not. it's ALWAYS been very clear who was who in my family and what position and side everyone held. but none of that's the same anymore.
i'm just trying to settle into a nice, boring, plateau type office job. i'm not sure why exactly i'm doing that, maybe its for the constant sameness nature of the idea. i dont know. after 6 years of an unknowing type work schedule and whatnot, consistency might be a nice change.
i've been thinking about when i was a kid, and i would be thinking about music a lot. and i would come up with tunes in my head. i have several different memories of actually doing this. i was young, like, 6 or 7, and i would just think up a tune. and, to me, they would sound nice. and only now, being older, i realize now what those tunes were were catchy. but back then i just thought of them as sounding good. i went thru this period of making songs & tunes for a few years. when my family moved to bakersfield when i was 9, i don't remember this period of music making continuing. and i believe it stopped because that was also the year my social hardships began.
the hardships continued almost every year after that until i graduated from high school. my difficult social experiences began to mix with my academic experiences, because it all happened at school. so naturally they would mix. so together, it became so powerful, it overshadowed some things i found pleasure in. one of them being thinking of music. i just stopped thinking of music.. until recently in the last few months.
i dont know why it all came back to me the way it did. but in retrospect, i can see the moments that stick out (there were few & far between) that were signs of what was to come. and the signs didn't come until i was out of high school, probably because i was able to mentally note them without the toxic social/academic nagging leaving me impaired.
so, i would hear songs on the radio or on itunes and they would catch my attention. and at the time i didn't know why, i only found that i liked them and for some reason they sounded vaguely familiar. and it wasn't until i heard a britany spears song called 'phonography' that i realized why that one and a few others i'd heard in the previous couple of years sounded familiar. it was because they were so incredibly similar to the songs and tunes i would think up as a child. and even as i write this i think back on the tunes i thought of years & years ago and the word 'similar' just doesn't seem to cut it to describe the closeness of my music and the music i was hearing on itunes and the radio.
well, at the time of this realization all i could think of was amazement. i just couldn't believe that these songs that were now available to the masses sounded so much like what i had thought of when i was 6. and i thought that those artists were very lucky, if only i knew back then that what i had was a gift.
since my realization, i kind of stopped keeping track of the tunes i'd hear that sounded incredibly similar to the ones in my head as a kid. and i kind of let it all go for a while because this knowledge didn't really have a place in my life at the time. so i let it go for the time being.
but since i lost my jobs this year i've really been doing some soul searching i guess you can call it. i've kind of realized that for me to survive i've got to come up with something, something that's outside the box for me. it's what i felt in my gut that i had to investigate for myself. i'm still looking, but so far what my findings have brought me is my music, once again, and storytelling and possibly art. With these findings i've realized there is so much in me that i can create for more music, and to venture into the uncharted territory (at least for me it's uncharted) of story making. so it's what i'm doing. i'm trying to cover my bases by getting my 'consistent' office job, and leave the rest of my energy to making music and stories. and i know it's only the beginning and there's a lot to do but there's some comfort in knowing i dont have to do for the rest of my life what i was brought up to believe i had to do.
i'll try to write more often with what i'm doing next in my new project : )