just a quick minute...actually long minute
i have been wanting to post for a few days now. i have so much going on right now. but the majority of it is that it is a ll good. except for one little thing.
right now i just finished reading blu's entry. and i got to agree with her. on everything. the completeness , the nervousness , the laughter, just everything she said. i do feel complete. i feel better. i feel like i can really talk to someone now. someone who will not judge like i have felt on the times i acutally did share with someone. it is crazy. i knew i missed her alot. but i finally how much a lot was.
we hung out like nothing happened. we talked about things like we used to in the past. things that i cannot tell joanie about b/c it would be weird. and i am not sure what happened but i got really emotional one night. it was crazy but it was good. i was able to just cry about it. i think i cried for the last year. sure of all the crap that has happened i have cried about the stuff. but sometimes i would cry to joanie but i just did not get the right kind of comfort i guess i could say. i am not sure on how to explain it. but i just cried that night. i was able to just cry about all the stuff. i was able to release some feeling. not all the feeling b/c i think i would of had blu up all night and i would of have taken advantage of it if i did not have to wake up at 6 the next morning. but she gave me some sense of release. or some kind of ... i was just able to feel. i was able to not hide anything. or any feelings or any thought i might have about myself. i felt comfort. something i needed. and there is still some thoughts on my mind and i am sure i will probably talk her ear off again. b/c as of right now there is still more on my mind more that i would like to talk about to her. she understands me in such a way that i cant explain.
rick asked me about her. i would tell him how i was sad and stuff that she was not in my life. once i told him that she was back he got really happy for me. on the way to alb this past weekend he asked me about her and our friendship. he wanted to know more and understand why she is so special to me. at first he even asked me if it was a crush. i laughed at him and said no. so i explained more of our years together and how if i did not stay that whole week when her honey was out of town we probably would not have got so close. he just understood.
my life now finally feels good. maybe i needed that test of the last year or so. i do not know. i guess the only thing i need to get back on track now is my faith and my Faith in GOD. i have been building it up again but there is still a lot of work on my part.
and right now i am working on my past. i am trying to sort out my feelings on the whole "ex" thing. i miss him so much. lately i have not been able to get him out of my head. i am so serious. missing him and loving him is sticking out right now. and i am not sure where it is coming from. i cant figure out my feelings and it is depressing me in some way or another. technically he is not my ex. we never broke up at all. i wish ... i am not sure on what i wish for. with him it is just so hard. i am not even sure on how to feel. i feel guilty at times. i feel hurt at him. i feel hatred for him. but most of all i just feel so much love for him. it is just so confusing right now b/c i have met this wonderful guy. he is perfect for me. i am happy. extremely happy. joanie says that i glow everytime she sees me with him. she says how happy i look. and that this is the happiest she has ever seen me. i do love him and everything she says is true in my eyes. but lately the past week and a half i cannot get him out of my mind. i do not know what is wrong with me. hm... i just wish i knew how to handle this part in my life.....
right now i just finished reading blu's entry. and i got to agree with her. on everything. the completeness , the nervousness , the laughter, just everything she said. i do feel complete. i feel better. i feel like i can really talk to someone now. someone who will not judge like i have felt on the times i acutally did share with someone. it is crazy. i knew i missed her alot. but i finally how much a lot was.
we hung out like nothing happened. we talked about things like we used to in the past. things that i cannot tell joanie about b/c it would be weird. and i am not sure what happened but i got really emotional one night. it was crazy but it was good. i was able to just cry about it. i think i cried for the last year. sure of all the crap that has happened i have cried about the stuff. but sometimes i would cry to joanie but i just did not get the right kind of comfort i guess i could say. i am not sure on how to explain it. but i just cried that night. i was able to just cry about all the stuff. i was able to release some feeling. not all the feeling b/c i think i would of had blu up all night and i would of have taken advantage of it if i did not have to wake up at 6 the next morning. but she gave me some sense of release. or some kind of ... i was just able to feel. i was able to not hide anything. or any feelings or any thought i might have about myself. i felt comfort. something i needed. and there is still some thoughts on my mind and i am sure i will probably talk her ear off again. b/c as of right now there is still more on my mind more that i would like to talk about to her. she understands me in such a way that i cant explain.
rick asked me about her. i would tell him how i was sad and stuff that she was not in my life. once i told him that she was back he got really happy for me. on the way to alb this past weekend he asked me about her and our friendship. he wanted to know more and understand why she is so special to me. at first he even asked me if it was a crush. i laughed at him and said no. so i explained more of our years together and how if i did not stay that whole week when her honey was out of town we probably would not have got so close. he just understood.
my life now finally feels good. maybe i needed that test of the last year or so. i do not know. i guess the only thing i need to get back on track now is my faith and my Faith in GOD. i have been building it up again but there is still a lot of work on my part.
and right now i am working on my past. i am trying to sort out my feelings on the whole "ex" thing. i miss him so much. lately i have not been able to get him out of my head. i am so serious. missing him and loving him is sticking out right now. and i am not sure where it is coming from. i cant figure out my feelings and it is depressing me in some way or another. technically he is not my ex. we never broke up at all. i wish ... i am not sure on what i wish for. with him it is just so hard. i am not even sure on how to feel. i feel guilty at times. i feel hurt at him. i feel hatred for him. but most of all i just feel so much love for him. it is just so confusing right now b/c i have met this wonderful guy. he is perfect for me. i am happy. extremely happy. joanie says that i glow everytime she sees me with him. she says how happy i look. and that this is the happiest she has ever seen me. i do love him and everything she says is true in my eyes. but lately the past week and a half i cannot get him out of my mind. i do not know what is wrong with me. hm... i just wish i knew how to handle this part in my life.....