what more can i say ...
what else can i say that i have not already said. same thing just different day. what am i to do. do not know. although i did go to the counselor today. i do not know if tehre was much progress. or not. i told her all about my symptoms of what i am feeling right at this particular moment. but it was weird. she kept on telling me that i needed to find a doctor so i can talk to the doctor and talk about meds. i do not know it was weird. she did tell me that i was going to make myself sick which i agreed on. she said that if i kept at the pace i am going that i might even end up in the hospital.i am not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing of what she said but i did agree with her. i agreed b/c right now it does not seem like such a bad idea. i cant be alone. i am going through a lot. i went through kind of the same thing last year. but this year is ten times worse. i do not know what to do anymore. i feel like i am losing control. i know i cant let the mind win. i know i have to beat this somehow. but saying and actually doing are two different things. i cant help but wonder what is wrong with me. i know people tell me taht there is nothing wrong with me. but i cant help thinking it. i am not strong anymore. i do not have any strength left. i really do not. i cant find the strength and i have tried. what can i do to help myself. i am fighting this battle and it is winning. i am tired of feeling this way. i am tired of having this weigh in on me. i do not have the desire anymore to make it right. i know that it is bad to say.
i still am trying very little. yesterday instead of being in the classroom i helped move our store of my job to another location. well i was still feeling like i was. but there was one point i felt normal. there was a power tool. i wanted to try it so bad and i did. i had so much fun taking off the screws from the wall. i smiled for the first time in such a long time. but it felt like so much work had to go into it. i cant explain that feeling but it was hard. but it reminded me of who i used to be. it reminded me that i used to be a little happy. and it also told me that it was so long ago and it felt so far away. when i smiled it felt like i was just looking through a mirror of some sort. it did not even feel like me. that is when i knew how down and out i really am. i never been this far. i do not know what to do. i do not even know anything.
i guess something that i did do taht made me somewhat a little happy today was i finally bought my plane ticket. i will be leaving el paso on thursday the 13 of sept. and getting in dc at 700. i will leave dc on sun the 16 and arriving in el paso at like 645 or 8. something like taht. i will be doing the duck that i have been wanting to do for awhile. i bought that ticket as well. and going to espn zone. and doing other things. i am not sure what else we have planned. but i think it will be good for me. or who knows... and maybe it will help me in this little rut that i am going through. the next thing that got me even more happy as well is that i bought myself a nickelback concert ticket. i wanted to go so badly last year when they came and i promised myself that i would go to the concert if they ever came back. and i got the ticket. however i am going by myself. but i got it. so i cant wait for that one either. on the 14 is when they are coming so it will be busy that for me. i go to work get out at 430 and go to a counseling session at 500 and straight from there i will go to the concert. i cant wait. that actually has made me very happy with that.
but i was just alerted that the computers are going to turn off soon. so i have to go. always when i want to go on and on this happens.
......
i still am trying very little. yesterday instead of being in the classroom i helped move our store of my job to another location. well i was still feeling like i was. but there was one point i felt normal. there was a power tool. i wanted to try it so bad and i did. i had so much fun taking off the screws from the wall. i smiled for the first time in such a long time. but it felt like so much work had to go into it. i cant explain that feeling but it was hard. but it reminded me of who i used to be. it reminded me that i used to be a little happy. and it also told me that it was so long ago and it felt so far away. when i smiled it felt like i was just looking through a mirror of some sort. it did not even feel like me. that is when i knew how down and out i really am. i never been this far. i do not know what to do. i do not even know anything.
i guess something that i did do taht made me somewhat a little happy today was i finally bought my plane ticket. i will be leaving el paso on thursday the 13 of sept. and getting in dc at 700. i will leave dc on sun the 16 and arriving in el paso at like 645 or 8. something like taht. i will be doing the duck that i have been wanting to do for awhile. i bought that ticket as well. and going to espn zone. and doing other things. i am not sure what else we have planned. but i think it will be good for me. or who knows... and maybe it will help me in this little rut that i am going through. the next thing that got me even more happy as well is that i bought myself a nickelback concert ticket. i wanted to go so badly last year when they came and i promised myself that i would go to the concert if they ever came back. and i got the ticket. however i am going by myself. but i got it. so i cant wait for that one either. on the 14 is when they are coming so it will be busy that for me. i go to work get out at 430 and go to a counseling session at 500 and straight from there i will go to the concert. i cant wait. that actually has made me very happy with that.
but i was just alerted that the computers are going to turn off soon. so i have to go. always when i want to go on and on this happens.
......