i wish i had more happier times to report.........
everytime i even get the chance to write in this i always wish i had more happier things to say. for some odd reason it never happens that way. sorry that this has been dreary and sad.....
life has been one hard circumstance right after another for a couple of months now. not all of it has been bad at all until this past week. one of my life long friends (one of my best friends from socorro) has just died. it has been such a weird and awkward time for me. i have gone through so many emotions since i first found out. i have gone through happy (for our times shared and that GOD brought him into my life), sadness, tears, confusion, and anger. i think the anger has been the strongest so far. you see he for the most part committed suicide. i just feel so much anger for him being so selfish in doing that. and then when i think about the anger i am feeling i start to feel bad.
last night i talked to his girlfriend. and she explained more of the situation to me. oh my goodness. i have not felt pain like that in so long. it really felt like a knife was really cutting into my heart. at one moment i was slightly having trouble to breathe. it was so weird.
i keep on thinking about him. starting from the day we first met until that last moment i hung out with him on christmas. all us friends got together at dennys since the last time we all hung out together at the same time has been about four years.
what also sucks is that he would of been twenty five years old. instead of him celebrating his life, we all will be putting him in the ground two days before his birthday.
at night is the hardest. i cant sleep at all. all i do is think. i cant stop thinking about it. all these thoughts go throughout my brain. but tonights thoughts were different. in the past few days images in my brain have been of our past and times we all shared. but tonights thoughts have been different. Maybe b/c i know now when the funeral is:
i was at a friends house just visiting. well i was getting tired and was starting to close my eyes and try to fall asleep. but when my eyes were closed and i was drifting off my thoughts turned to a funeral. in my image i saw two friends of mine that will be pallbearers walking along side a casket. and it scared me. i woke up right away. that may explain my sudden reason for not sleeping tonight. i cannot scrape that image. and i am literally scared to go to the funeral.
my eyes now are starting to feel heavy. so i think it is time to go to bed hopefully. it is about two hours earlier than what i have been going to bed. so hopefully when i turn this machine off i will be able to fall asleep.
thanks blu for everything you are doing for me. you are the greatest. thanks for my big distraction today. and human. thank you also for today. you made me laugh like no other person can and that is exactly what i needed. i love both you guys.
but now i am off to bed (i hope)!!!
purple
life has been one hard circumstance right after another for a couple of months now. not all of it has been bad at all until this past week. one of my life long friends (one of my best friends from socorro) has just died. it has been such a weird and awkward time for me. i have gone through so many emotions since i first found out. i have gone through happy (for our times shared and that GOD brought him into my life), sadness, tears, confusion, and anger. i think the anger has been the strongest so far. you see he for the most part committed suicide. i just feel so much anger for him being so selfish in doing that. and then when i think about the anger i am feeling i start to feel bad.
last night i talked to his girlfriend. and she explained more of the situation to me. oh my goodness. i have not felt pain like that in so long. it really felt like a knife was really cutting into my heart. at one moment i was slightly having trouble to breathe. it was so weird.
i keep on thinking about him. starting from the day we first met until that last moment i hung out with him on christmas. all us friends got together at dennys since the last time we all hung out together at the same time has been about four years.
what also sucks is that he would of been twenty five years old. instead of him celebrating his life, we all will be putting him in the ground two days before his birthday.
at night is the hardest. i cant sleep at all. all i do is think. i cant stop thinking about it. all these thoughts go throughout my brain. but tonights thoughts were different. in the past few days images in my brain have been of our past and times we all shared. but tonights thoughts have been different. Maybe b/c i know now when the funeral is:
i was at a friends house just visiting. well i was getting tired and was starting to close my eyes and try to fall asleep. but when my eyes were closed and i was drifting off my thoughts turned to a funeral. in my image i saw two friends of mine that will be pallbearers walking along side a casket. and it scared me. i woke up right away. that may explain my sudden reason for not sleeping tonight. i cannot scrape that image. and i am literally scared to go to the funeral.
my eyes now are starting to feel heavy. so i think it is time to go to bed hopefully. it is about two hours earlier than what i have been going to bed. so hopefully when i turn this machine off i will be able to fall asleep.
thanks blu for everything you are doing for me. you are the greatest. thanks for my big distraction today. and human. thank you also for today. you made me laugh like no other person can and that is exactly what i needed. i love both you guys.
but now i am off to bed (i hope)!!!
purple